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Old 2009-01-22, 07:50   Link #12001
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by satashi View Post
PornStar!Vivio 7
An additional comment. You need to better integrate Space's scene with Vivio in the gym with the reconciliation here. As is it, that scene might as well not have happened with the way ch7 is written now. Ok, so Vivio might not yet completely understand outsiders' views of sex, but she sounded like she understood that she had betrayed Syn's trust back then. So she should apologize for that now that's Syn's talking to her again, at least.

Quote:
Originally Posted by satashi View Post
the exact term I have in mind Vivio saying is around: "I want you to love me while I'm doing my job, not just loving me while accepting it."
Doesn't sound affectionate enough. How about, "Can you love me while...?"
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Old 2009-01-22, 10:45   Link #12002
TerranReaper
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Spoiler for KOTR 23:
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Old 2009-01-22, 11:17   Link #12003
Satashi
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I'm planning on elaborating the next scene from the first version. When Syn and Vivio were talking about everything, Syn was talking about trust while Vivio was specifically talking about how her job wasn't bad. I plan on adding into the next part where the two of them realize that they aren't seeing eye-to-eye and are talking about differnt things. From there I will go on to elaberate each girl's side. Complications like this arn't solved in one topic, it might take two or three to really understand what the other is saying. Misunderstandings are common and I wanted to put that in.
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Old 2009-01-22, 11:46   Link #12004
SulliMike23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
I'm planning on elaborating the next scene from the first version. When Syn and Vivio were talking about everything, Syn was talking about trust while Vivio was specifically talking about how her job wasn't bad. I plan on adding into the next part where the two of them realize that they aren't seeing eye-to-eye and are talking about differnt things. From there I will go on to elaberate each girl's side. Complications like this arn't solved in one topic, it might take two or three to really understand what the other is saying. Misunderstandings are common and I wanted to put that in.
That goes without saying. But both trust and understanding one's work are both big topics in a relationship; and let's just face it, misunderstandings happen in every form of relationship. Any misunderstanding can really take things too far.
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Old 2009-01-22, 16:18   Link #12005
Satashi
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How about a teaser?
Spoiler for Retriever:
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Old 2009-01-22, 16:41   Link #12006
Keroko
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Evil mastermind Yuuno? Me like. >:3
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Old 2009-01-22, 16:43   Link #12007
AdmiralTigerclaw
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"Where's Nanoha?"

"I'll tell you where she's not..."

"Where?"

"Safe."
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Old 2009-01-22, 17:41   Link #12008
Evangelion Xgouki
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Spoiler for Visitors, pt. 6:


Part 01
Part 02
Part 03
Part 04
Part 05
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Old 2009-01-22, 17:45   Link #12009
Kaix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Rick View Post

Spoiler for Opening Theme: Eternal Darkness:


Spoiler for Chapter 3: Something has come:


Spoiler for Ending theme: Once Upon a December:




Spoiler for The Bag:


Typos? I think I finally made it
Although that was probably not the intention, I began laughing when the mayor just decided to pray for his life. It was probably knowing that it wouldn't make a difference. His death didn't come as a surprise at all. Seeing Vivio was surprising as she manages to actually look older than the usual Vivio we see. I always forget this takes place 10 years after VK1 and people usually age in 10 years.

I don't get one thing: "the sound broke all the windows on the place, I fell covering my eyes, the sound was horrible." Vivio is covering her eyes from sound? I realize the second time that she was covering her eyes from the broken window pieces, but the mention afterwards that the sound is horrible makes it peculiar that she doesn't cover her ears as first instinct. Or even better - attempt to cover her whole head.

Also:
Spoiler for chapter 3 typos:

There's less and less errors with each chapter. And some of these were plain old keyboarding mistakes. Also, something that I noticed: There's quite a lot of sentences that are very... long and with lots of commas, that just never end. I think it might help the flow to shorten some of them.
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Old 2009-01-22, 17:49   Link #12010
ghazghkull
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki View Post
Spoiler for Visitors, pt. 6:


Part 01
Part 02
Part 03
Part 04
Part 05
*snorts*

Oh Jack. You never cease to amaze me XD
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Old 2009-01-22, 20:06   Link #12011
Evangelion Xgouki
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
*snorts*

Oh Jack. You never cease to amaze me XD
Jack O'Neill: Saying the right things at the right times.

>_>

<_<

*snicker*
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Old 2009-01-22, 21:36   Link #12012
RadiantBeam
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Now then.

My system still isn't up yet, but we got my hardware backed up so I can access my files on my father's computer. As such, I got the chance to finally finish chapter three of Bless the Broken Road.

On the downside, this now means I need to save it on my flashdrive so I can load it onto my computer when the system starts again and keep it up-to-date.

(The repair disc is coming any day now...)

Anyway, I present to you: chapter 3 of Bless the Broken Road!

Spoiler for Bless the Broken Road: From the Picket Fence:


Spoiler for Author's Notes and Ramblings:
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Old 2009-01-23, 02:28   Link #12013
Vie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Now then.

My system still isn't up yet, but we got my hardware backed up so I can access my files on my father's computer. As such, I got the chance to finally finish chapter three of Bless the Broken Road.

On the downside, this now means I need to save it on my flashdrive so I can load it onto my computer when the system starts again and keep it up-to-date.

(The repair disc is coming any day now...)

Anyway, I present to you: chapter 3 of Bless the Broken Road!

Spoiler for Bless the Broken Road: From the Picket Fence:


Spoiler for Author's Notes and Ramblings:
I hope you get that disc, fast.

Liking Elise and Fiasse more and more with every chapter; hard not to when both are so protective of Nanoha. The Arf/Zafira familiar rights issue seemed too sudden to me, because familiars have always been under servitude(mostly) to their creators so 'rights' seem to be rather pointless. A familiar's lifeforce is powered by his/her master and all commands given have to be obeyed, so giving them rights would be like bypassing the master's control. Of course, it'd be better when you're filing for insurance and everything, but wouldn't it all depend on the masters instead? Now I'm just rambling...

Love the NanoFate, even if it's not really NanoFate. XD I still can't wait for the angst to really hit. XP
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Old 2009-01-23, 11:22   Link #12014
Satashi
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Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
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Old 2009-01-23, 11:26   Link #12015
ghazghkull
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
*snip*[/SPOILER]

For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
......Hmm....I vote.... B: FATE!!!
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Old 2009-01-23, 12:05   Link #12016
BPHaru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
Nice, it's great to have Vampire!Fate going on again! Thanks for the update Sa-nyan!
Voting A for Nanoha, because I don't remember what happened to her

EDIT: New vote! Voting B for more Fate!

Cuídense y sigan sonriendo

Last edited by BPHaru; 2009-01-23 at 14:20.
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Old 2009-01-23, 13:02   Link #12017
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BPHaru View Post
Nice, it's great to have Vampire!Fate going on again! Thanks for the update Sa-yan!
Voting for Nanoha, because I don't remember what happened to her

Cuídense y sigan sonriendo
She was attacked along with Subaru. Nanoha passed out after running for a while and Subaru was knocked out :3
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Old 2009-01-23, 13:32   Link #12018
Raging Heart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate

I go for Fate that mean BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
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Old 2009-01-23, 14:19   Link #12019
BPHaru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
She was attacked along with Subaru. Nanoha passed out after running for a while and Subaru was knocked out :3
Ok, thanks for the brief summary.
I'm changing my vote then ^^

Cuídense y sigan sonriendo
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Old 2009-01-23, 14:26   Link #12020
Kirika-chan
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For Vampire Fate : B !!!

Yay, the next of the story !! *-*Thank you Satashi !
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