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Old 2009-01-23, 16:34   Link #12021
Satashi
Vividly Vivio
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Random short, for your reading pleasure.
Spoiler for something new? Nanoha's POV:
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Old 2009-01-23, 16:48   Link #12022
Nina.Wolken
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Random short, for your reading pleasure.
Spoiler for something new? Nanoha's POV:
Spoiler for ...:
__________________

Last edited by Nina.Wolken; 2009-01-23 at 18:51. Reason: sorry~
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Old 2009-01-23, 17:10   Link #12023
SulliMike23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
Fate-chan of course!
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Old 2009-01-23, 18:31   Link #12024
Satashi
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@Nina.Wolken: Use spoilers! T_T

Quote:
Originally Posted by SulliMike23 View Post
Fate-chan of course!
please make your vote large and pink and the letter of the one you're voting for <3
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Old 2009-01-23, 18:45   Link #12025
yuiseppe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
Weeeehaaaaaaa

We're BACK!

Just some small things first though:

'allyway' --> 'alleyway'

'The paper was void of words' --> 'the sheet/piece of paper was void of words'

'Several pellets of metal embedded in the stone behind us and the concrete beneath our bodies.' --> '... got/became embedded ...' or '... embedded themselves ...' (point here is that a verb is needed, otherwise the use of 'embedded' is that of an adjective, which leaves the sentence hanging.

And I sure hope the bits of metal got embedded into the concrete beneath them BEFORE they landed there....

Spoiler for the other story:



OH oh...A
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Old 2009-01-23, 19:00   Link #12026
DezoPenguin
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@JimmyC: Upon reflection, I've decided that you're right, but I've also decided that the place to mention it is also Chapter 4, when Vivio and her classmate are talking. Since I'd used that scene to introduce the "Vivio gets snarky at being Heika-ed" concept, it makes sense to tag on a "If it bugs you so much, why do you stay at the Saint Church school where you're surrounded by way too many people who do that" comment, which lets Vivio explain, in turn, why she didn't take the obvious route of transferring to a TASB military academy when she's already decided to become a combat mage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
How about a teaser?
Spoiler for Retriever:
This looks like an intriguing teaser, but I don't recognize the material the AU is based on. Got to love Badass!Yuuno, though!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw View Post
"Where's Nanoha?"

"I'll tell you where she's not..."

"Where?"

"Safe."
Heh. Is that taken from the source-I-don't-know or just a good original line?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki View Post
Spoiler for Visitors, pt. 6:
Jack gets all the good lines. Nice reference to A's Ep. 1, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Now then.

My system still isn't up yet, but we got my hardware backed up so I can access my files on my father's computer. As such, I got the chance to finally finish chapter three of Bless the Broken Road.

On the downside, this now means I need to save it on my flashdrive so I can load it onto my computer when the system starts again and keep it up-to-date.

(The repair disc is coming any day now...)

Anyway, I present to you: chapter 3 of Bless the Broken Road!

Spoiler for Bless the Broken Road: From the Picket Fence:

Woot! BTBR3 at last! We have Ominous Hints about Elise, and we also have Elise being protective over Nanoha (and an explicit clearing up of what I mistook for a love triangle...though to be fair, I also thought Elise was about 5-7 years younger than she is).

I liked the Blaze/Fury/Glory scene; even if they are just generic bad guys, it's good to give them some character with their evil. If they're not generic bad guys, of course, then it's vital that we the readers get to see more of them that "Hurt! Maim! Kill!" Watching A's with my wife once the DVDs came (my second time through, her first), it was fun watching her go through the "I WANT THOSE WOLKENRITTER DEAD!" stage into being fans of them once we started getting their side of the story.

(On the other hand, I want to take the Lieze twins and subject them to fates that I normally reserve to wish upon international terrorists and the New York Yankees, but I digress).

Fiasse/Miyuki honestly seems kind of random, like a thrown-in subplot. Of course, I haven't seen the OVA, so you may just be following canon there. Still, it reminds me of romance novels in which the author lets the love bug get away from her and starts pairing off the entire supporting cast to each other. You've already got Nanoha/Fate there, and you've already said that the Zarf pairing is tied in with the plot so that makes for a good secondary romance; a tertiary romance seems kind of in the way.

On the subject of "familiar rights," I have a slightly different take than that Vie. While familiars are inherently subservient entities by their very nature, they are full sentients and just because a person is in a subservient position to another doesn't mean that they have a right to be victimized. I compare it to minor children; kids are subject to a lot of legal restrictions by which their parents can control their actions (and are likewise held responsible for their actions), but there are laws in place to protect children's rights as well--and in many countries, those laws do not exist. So "familiar rights" could work as well on that kind of basis.

What I don't see is that Fury's attack would jeopardize "familiar rights." I mean, when a familiar attacks, the usual response isn't "Man, familiars are dangerous; we have to control them" but "Okay, who sent his/her familiar after me and what do they want?" There's an inherent assumption that familiars are doing the work of their masters (one of the bigger surprises of A's, after all, was that the Wolkies were acting on their own; the TSAB all assumed that the minion entities were being, well...minions).

The difference between "strong Nanoha" in Fate's memory and "weak Nanoha" in real life, was, in the dialect of the Internet, "made of pure win." This whole last scene was exceptional, and I look forward to how you work with this matter. Could we be seeing hints of how the emotionally-dependent Fate of A's develops into the equal-partnership Fate of StrikerS?

Spoiler for Technical points:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Random short, for your reading pleasure.
Spoiler for something new? Nanoha's POV:
Interesting end. Though it's gotten to the point where with Nanoha's significant others I never make assumptions until I get a name. Actually, I actively assume that if I don't get a name in the first paragraph that the reader is being set up for a twist ending. I was half expecting through the first half of the story that she was talking to Arisa about something having nothing to do with romance.

Come to think of it, she might have been talking to Arisa. There's been no gender pronoun used, not even...
Spoiler for Um...it's a spoiler?:


Oh, and B. Let's stick with the rescuers for a while before we see what N&S need to be rescued from.
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Old 2009-01-23, 20:49   Link #12027
NorthernFallout
The Interstellar Medium
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Longest writing in one sitting I've done...and 1.5k is much for being ME. Part 3 of DRG is done, answers some questions, raises some more.

Dimensional Reminiscing: Revelations
From the void of space we come, to the void of space we shall return.
Spoiler for Part 3:
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Old 2009-01-24, 00:09   Link #12028
Seraph42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
Do my eyes deceive me Is V!F really back
YAY!!! It is!!!

Oh and B please
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"For Life is experience, and longevity is, in the end, measured by memory, and those with a thousand tales to tell have indeed lived longer then any who embrace the mundane."
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Old 2009-01-24, 00:27   Link #12029
SulliMike23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
@Nina.Wolken: Use spoilers! T_T



please make your vote large and pink and the letter of the one you're voting for <3
Okay. B That better?
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Old 2009-01-24, 00:35   Link #12030
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
@JimmyC: Upon reflection, I've decided that you're right, but I've also decided that the place to mention it is also Chapter 4, when Vivio and her classmate are talking.
Sounds like an excellent choice, I'll be looking forward to seeing it. Still need to revise Fate's line in ch7 slightly, I think.

On another matter, why does almost everyone who uses Vivio as a combat mage think 16 is a good age for her to start? In your own fic, she's still in training (though you did put her in the field once at 12, has she been outside more since then?) In Allquall's she's got her first posting, and in Satashi's Synergy, she just entered the academy. There were two or three others too, all with her at 16 in similar stages.
Compare that to every other mage in the series. The Aces went from working part time to full time with the Bureau at 16. Erio was a Private and Caro was working at the Nature Reserve at 10. Subaru and Tea were in RF6 by 16, after being on duty for 2 years. Having Vivio start out at 16 is slow compared to their pace and actually requires an explaination instead of being treated as "normal."
There's only one fic I can remember that has Vivio with a career pace similar to the rest of the cast. Magical Girl Lyrical Vivio with Vivio undertaking her first solo mission as an Enforcer at 12.
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Old 2009-01-24, 01:29   Link #12031
MeisterBabylon
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And in every unwritten fic in my head, too. In Magical Lyrical BetrayerS the doujin, she is crowned King at 6.

Vivio's anything but normal. She's the prophesized one who would bring balance to the Force after all!
__________________
白露型駆逐艦の4番艦、夕立です。第三次ソロモン海戦では、けっこう頑張ったっぽい★?
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Old 2009-01-24, 01:38   Link #12032
Seraph42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
And in every unwritten fic in my head, too. In Magical Lyrical BetrayerS the doujin, she is crowned King at 6.

Vivio's anything but normal. She's the prophesized one who would bring balance to the Force after all!


so are we going to add DARTH in front of her name now
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Old 2009-01-24, 01:53   Link #12033
MeisterBabylon
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"Search your feelings, you know its true..."



In all due seriousness though, that last statement was just metaphorical.
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白露型駆逐艦の4番艦、夕立です。第三次ソロモン海戦では、けっこう頑張ったっぽい★?
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Old 2009-01-24, 02:04   Link #12034
Nya~n
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
She's the prophesized one who would bring balance to the Force after all!
I can see it now. Darth Vivio, Dark Lord of Belka.
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Old 2009-01-24, 02:18   Link #12035
Seraph42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
"Search your feelings, you know its true..."



In all due seriousness though, that last statement was just metaphorical.
I know, but the mental Image just popped in my head

Both as Darth Vader and Darth Maul
... and now the Emperor

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nya~n View Post
I can see it now. Darth Vivio, Dark Lord of Belka.
But what would Syn be...
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Old 2009-01-24, 04:36   Link #12036
MeisterBabylon
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Darth Saber, or what was once Vivio Takamachi, liege to the Darth Sidious, Empress Hayate, of the Imperial Lesbian Army~~~

Isn't that you guys are so fond of? ( XD )

Syn would be Obi-Wan! XD

Syn: "I loved you, Vivio! You were my sister!!!"

...deshou?
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白露型駆逐艦の4番艦、夕立です。第三次ソロモン海戦では、けっこう頑張ったっぽい★?
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Old 2009-01-24, 04:46   Link #12037
AdmiralTigerclaw
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
Darth Saber, or what was once Vivio Takamachi, liege to the Darth Sidious, Empress Hayate, of the Imperial Lesbian Army~~~

Isn't that you guys are so fond of? ( XD )

Syn would be Obi-Wan! XD

Syn: "I loved you, Vivio! You were my sister!!!"

...deshou?
Stand by...

Breaker coming down in...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Spoiler for DELIVERING ORDINANCE:
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Old 2009-01-24, 10:52   Link #12038
TheShinySword
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
Darth Saber, or what was once Vivio Takamachi, liege to the Darth Sidious, Empress Hayate, of the Imperial Lesbian Army~~~

Isn't that you guys are so fond of? ( XD )

Syn would be Obi-Wan! XD

Syn: "I loved you, Vivio! You were my sister!!!"

...deshou?
No way.....

....
...
..
.
Zaffy is Obi-wan get it right
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Old 2009-01-24, 11:55   Link #12039
Evil Rick
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kai the Reaper View Post
Although that was probably not the intention, I began laughing when the mayor just decided to pray for his life. It was probably knowing that it wouldn't make a difference. His death didn't come as a surprise at all. Seeing Vivio was surprising as she manages to actually look older than the usual Vivio we see. I always forget this takes place 10 years after VK1 and people usually age in 10 years.

I don't get one thing: "the sound broke all the windows on the place, I fell covering my eyes, the sound was horrible." Vivio is covering her eyes from sound? I realize the second time that she was covering her eyes from the broken window pieces, but the mention afterwards that the sound is horrible makes it peculiar that she doesn't cover her ears as first instinct. Or even better - attempt to cover her whole head.

Also:
Spoiler for chapter 3 typos:

There's less and less errors with each chapter. And some of these were plain old keyboarding mistakes. Also, something that I noticed: There's quite a lot of sentences that are very... long and with lots of commas, that just never end. I think it might help the flow to shorten some of them.
Gott it, I fixed chapter 1, I still need to correct the event and the Bag's scroll tough

And... ups... I was trying to say "ears" Sorry, I don't know in what I was thinking O.o

Quote:
Originally Posted by TerranReaper View Post
Spoiler for KOTR 23:
Thinks don't look very well after the Armageddon, I can't imagine how many people died... at least Vita's okay

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Starting at part 1 now, as it's the first part after picking back up. I'm going to do this like I did PS!Vivio, as in quoting my past posts when I add a new one.

Spoiler for Vampire Fate pt. 1:


For any new people, you vote by giving me a large, pink letter for who's POV you want to continue with.
A.) Nanoha
B.) Fate
Good to see thath Vampire Fate is running again, the chapter is a bit short tough and don't say much

I pic A I'd like to know what's going on with Nanoha

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShinySword View Post
No way.....

....
...
..
.
Zaffy is Obi-wan get it right
I though that Zaffy was Chewbaka

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Grammar Question: I have 2 grammar questions this time

1) Exactly in wich time or situation you use "in" or "on"?

2) The female of Sorcerer is Sorceress, right?

Thanks
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Old 2009-01-24, 12:01   Link #12040
TheShinySword
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Rick View Post



I tough that Zaffy was Chewbaka

Grammar Question: I have 2 grammar questions this time

1) Exactly in wich time or situation you use "in" or "on"?

2) The female of Sorcerer is Sorceress, right?

Thanks
Zaffy is chewbaka in the SW we talked earlier in the thread. He's Obi-wan in this one and you're missing a T in thought

1) missing and h in Which.
You use In when something is going inside of something (EX: He went in the house)
On is when something is going on something (EX: He stood on the roof. He put the pin on his chest)

My explanations may be vague but that's because these are really basic English words that are hard for me to explain.
2) yes
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