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Old 2009-10-17, 00:03   Link #17141
Nanya01
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It's that time again...

Day in the Life

Chapter 25

Trust

As per usual lately, expect a multi-post chapter. :3

Spoiler for Trust PT I:


Edit: Page Claim for multi-post chapters!
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Last edited by Nanya01; 2009-10-17 at 01:03.
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:04   Link #17142
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Spoiler for Trust PT II:
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:06   Link #17143
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One last thing...

HAD to do this for the fun of it!

Spoiler for Omake - Don't let idiots do summoning:
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:25   Link #17144
AdmiralTigerclaw
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Too bad nobody seems to remember that Freakazoid showed us how to break Candlejack's spell.

*Holds up a cage with Candlejack in it.*

You catch HIM!
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:28   Link #17145
Nijiru
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@Nanya: Nice work, as always. Just a couple mistakes I noticed.

Part 1: Repeat of these two lines.
Lindy's eyes softened. "Ah, yes..."
"Where is Nanoha, anyway?" Momoko wondered, looking at the clock. "She said she wouldn't be out long."

Part 2: Same thing.
Miyuki didn't think anything in the world could make her blush at this point, and was soundly proven wrong as her blush deepened. It was pretty obvious what Shamal wanted, even if she'd somewhat danced around the issue with her wording.
"Tell me when to stop," she murmured, and leaned down, giving the blond a deep, gentle kiss.

I think it's probably something to do with copying it and posting it here.
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:29   Link #17146
SulliMike23
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Yowza! Shamal and Miyuki finally did it!
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:33   Link #17147
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
@Nanya: Nice work, as always. Just a couple mistakes I noticed.

Part 1: Repeat of these two lines.
Lindy's eyes softened. "Ah, yes..."
"Where is Nanoha, anyway?" Momoko wondered, looking at the clock. "She said she wouldn't be out long."

Part 2: Same thing.
Miyuki didn't think anything in the world could make her blush at this point, and was soundly proven wrong as her blush deepened. It was pretty obvious what Shamal wanted, even if she'd somewhat danced around the issue with her wording.
"Tell me when to stop," she murmured, and leaned down, giving the blond a deep, gentle kiss.

I think it's probably something to do with copying it and posting it here.
Ah, my fault when it came to copying it to my master copy. Already fixed both issues on my copy. Thanks for pointing them out. Glad you liked.
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:33   Link #17148
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
@Nanya: Nice work, as always. Just a couple mistakes I noticed.

Part 1: Repeat of these two lines.
Lindy's eyes softened. "Ah, yes..."
"Where is Nanoha, anyway?" Momoko wondered, looking at the clock. "She said she wouldn't be out long."

Part 2: Same thing.
Miyuki didn't think anything in the world could make her blush at this point, and was soundly proven wrong as her blush deepened. It was pretty obvious what Shamal wanted, even if she'd somewhat danced around the issue with her wording.
"Tell me when to stop," she murmured, and leaned down, giving the blond a deep, gentle kiss.

I think it's probably something to do with copying it and posting it here.
Ah, I already mentioned part 2 to Nanya but I don't know how I missed part 1... thanks for catching that.
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:38   Link #17149
Nijiru
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No problem. Gives me something to do.
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:42   Link #17150
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
No problem. Gives me something to do.
Still, thank you for noticing. It really helps.
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Old 2009-10-17, 00:43   Link #17151
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Alternatives Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:

Last edited by Satashi; 2009-10-17 at 10:04.
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Old 2009-10-17, 01:00   Link #17152
Nijiru
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@Satashi: Nice, and thank you for using what I pointed out. Just noticed a bit that reads weirdly to me.
Spoiler for Nitpicking:

Spoiler for Possible Edit:

Tell me if you want me to do this some other way, anyway.
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Old 2009-10-17, 10:05   Link #17153
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
@Satashi: Nice, and thank you for using what I pointed out. Just noticed a bit that reads weirdly to me.
Spoiler for Nitpicking:

Spoiler for Possible Edit:

Tell me if you want me to do this some other way, anyway.
Changed first one, leaving the second the way it is for future possibilities that I don't know yet :3

thank you ^_^
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Old 2009-10-17, 11:14   Link #17154
Satashi
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AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
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Old 2009-10-17, 11:18   Link #17155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Offhand, why are the Aces down a rank? Hayate was mentioned as S+ earlier rather than her actual SS, and here Fate is listed as S instead of S+.

Here's hoping he's picking his words out of the smoldering, electrified remains of his ass after the next chapter...
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Old 2009-10-17, 11:19   Link #17156
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Here's hoping he's picking his words out of the smoldering, electrified remains of his ass after the next chapter...
Interesting thing to hope for.
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Old 2009-10-17, 11:24   Link #17157
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Offhand, why are the Aces down a rank? Hayate was mentioned as S+ earlier rather than her actual SS, and here Fate is listed as S instead of S+.
Because I forgot what their ranks really were :3 I'll have to fix that >.<

Quote:
Here's hoping he's picking his words out of the smoldering, electrified remains of his ass after the next chapter...
XD maybe
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Old 2009-10-17, 12:03   Link #17158
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Bleh, I hate having this week off. Really messes me up. Can't wait to go back to school on Monday, even if I have one mid term that day and three on Tuesday. Haven't studied at all yet. Been too busy playing Bleach: The 3rd Phantom into the wee hours of the morning. I now have the chronic condition of sporatically shouting out BANKAI every five minutes

Suffice it to say, I haven't done any writing either, but I figure I should address what seems to be a long standing issue with my work before I do more. A common criticism I get on my fics is that my Yuuno is always out of character, is a Gary Stue, and is an author self insert. Is there any validity to these claims or are people just being mean? If it is true, what exactly do I do that makes him OOC/a GS/a SI? How can I prevent this?
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Old 2009-10-17, 12:33   Link #17159
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Suffice it to say, I haven't done any writing either, but I figure I should address what seems to be a long standing issue with my work before I do more. A common criticism I get on my fics is that my Yuuno is always out of character, is a Gary Stue, and is an author self insert. Is there any validity to these claims or are people just being mean? If it is true, what exactly do I do that makes him OOC/a GS/a SI? How can I prevent this?
[The Hitchhiker's Guide to OOC/GS/SI Busting]

1. Watch Nanoha Again.

OR

1. Ask someone who's watched it a billion times before for a brief description of Yuuno's characteristics.
1b. Ask another someone who's watched it a billion times before for a second opinion.
1c, 1d, 1e... Yeah, you get the picture. Ask as many people as you think it takes. Take note of Occam's Razor, though, some things are best left at a certain point, because going any further may or may not leave you more confused than before.

2. I'll give you this one free: Yuuno is primarily a barrier-defense based mage. Attacks, well hell maybe he has one or two. But primarily, he's your...I find it hard to call him a meatshield. Okay, fine, Mage-Tank. Here's to you, MMORPGs.

3. Figure out what hells or heavens you're going to drop the lad into.

4. Based on 1a, 1b, and 2, figure out what he may or may not do in 3. Try as much as possible to make sure that it somehow makes logical, flowing sense.

For example:

- I want Yuuno to have a harem made out of Nanoha and Fate.
- Hence, I need to think of something that would make them come together in the antechamber without all the damn backstabbing, and without Yuuno ending up with Riot Zamber between his ribs - or Raising Heart stuffed midway down his gullet.
- Cue thought process involving events convoluted or otherwise for Yuuno to ditch his monogamic folly, and for Nanoha and Fate to ditch their burgeoning yuribunny tendencies to get together for brilliant 3P!

- And I'm done with my preliminary idea: Now to proofread it. I suggest you read it out loud - to yourself, or better yet, to your immediate family. You can get your dog too, just anything but a goldfish. If it sounds like any of these five things:

a. Pretty Stupid
b. Pretty Hilarious
c. A Carbon Copy of You
d. Something You'll Never Live Down

or

e. It's Just Awesome! What Else Is There To Say?

then rinse and repeat till you get it right. Because these five indicators are a sure-as-hell sign that something isn't right.

5. The exception to this rule is if it's just too damn HILARIOUS or just too EPIC for us to deny you your fun. But unless and only unless you're certain this is going to work...Please don't do it.


DISCLAIMER: This is the Hitchhiker's Version of the main product. If you have any inquires about the HARDCORE version, PM me anytime. Just prepare for a much longer message than this one.

Last edited by XenahortCharybdis; 2009-10-17 at 14:05. Reason: It's COLORFUL Now...By the Power of the Rainbow!
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Old 2009-10-17, 12:34   Link #17160
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Bleh, I hate having this week off. Really messes me up. Can't wait to go back to school on Monday, even if I have one mid term that day and three on Tuesday. Haven't studied at all yet. Been too busy playing Bleach: The 3rd Phantom into the wee hours of the morning. I now have the chronic condition of sporatically shouting out BANKAI every five minutes

Suffice it to say, I haven't done any writing either, but I figure I should address what seems to be a long standing issue with my work before I do more. A common criticism I get on my fics is that my Yuuno is always out of character, is a Gary Stue, and is an author self insert. Is there any validity to these claims or are people just being mean? If it is true, what exactly do I do that makes him OOC/a GS/a SI? How can I prevent this?
I haven't read your stuff to comment specifically, but generally making a character OOC is just simply moving him/her from what people associate him with. For example, are you trying to make Yuuno too "cool" or "powerful" or anything? He's a book worm, doesn't fight (MAGE TANK! Love it!), and I would consider him "innocent" as well.

If you're adding small things to a character, its normally leaning to a self insert. If you make them too powerful, its a mary/gary sue normally.

Not sure if that even helped any since your question was specifically on your Yuuno, but hopefully it'll aid you in examining it yourself.

@XenahortCharybdis: nice guide!

.....now I want Nanoha/Fate/Yuuno bunny time T_T
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