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Old 2008-03-07, 08:03   Link #761
Keroko
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Eh? My version was of the computer club scene though, not the Nagato explanation scene.

Though yes, I did edit a lot of lines to make Kyonko's naration sound more feminine.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:16   Link #762
panzerfan
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I wonder who here knows Legend of Galactic Heroes...


made an error with the arm band. will adjust this.
Spoiler for A little fanfic to go with this picture...:
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Last edited by panzerfan; 2008-03-07 at 12:16.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:21   Link #763
setsuna89
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post

Oh, you misunderstand. Them using doujins to finance their computers is not what I have a problem with, not at all. Wat I meant was that renrutal wrote that they are making those doujinshi using the school funds. Now, we know that the clubs hardly recieve any funds at all, which makes me wonder 'what funds is he talking about?'
hmm you do have a point there. guess that has to be dealt with. A suggestion that i would like to put in is that they use the funds together with their own money. that would make it sound plausible.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:23   Link #764
Jintor
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Yeah, if the Computer Club used their own money to buy their computers, what's wrong with the female CC using their own money to finance their doujins?

I'd say skip the doujin step entirely but it creates a pretty funny gag.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:32   Link #765
Keroko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by panzerfan View Post
I wonder who here knows Legend of Galactic Heroes...



Spoiler for A little fanfic to go with this picture...:
I've watched up to episode... 5 I think? I can imagine the scene though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by setsuna89 View Post
hmm you do have a point there. guess that has to be dealt with. A suggestion that i would like to put in is that they use the funds together with their own money. that would make it sound plausible.
Or simply cut the 'using school funds' line. It's not like it's needed in that scene anyway, Haruki is bribing, not blackmailing.

Though in my opinion the whole bribe thing sort of drained the strength from the scene.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:35   Link #766
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Originally Posted by Jintor View Post
I assume from here on in DKellis is gonna deal with the genderswap? Or further up, it really doesn't matter.
Okay, while I'm halfway through the deviation from the novels, I have to admit that I'm feeling a lot more tired than I expected, so I may have to leave it to tomorrow. However, since I don't want to imply that I'm "reserving" any portion of the story, I should probably mention explicitly that if anyone wants to post their own take on the problem, feel free to do so.

The problem in question is: How is Kyonko going to get home after visiting Yuuki? Above all, remember that Kyonko is now a girl, and remember all the warnings given about women out alone at night.

Right now I'm having Itsuko pick her up in a mysterious taxi, and then they'll have the slightly-altered conversation that Kyon and Itsuki have after Mikuru had told Kyon about her time-travelling. So basically, instead of the order of revelations being Yuki, Mikuru, then Itsuki, now it's Yuuki, Itsuko, then Mitsuru.

The other option I could think of was for Yuuki to escort Kyonko back home, which would imply that he knows about gentlemanly behaviour to do this at least, as well as any attempts at conversation Kyonko might make during the walk back (which would take twenty minutes while cycling).

If anyone else has any insights, feel free to share them.

Now I'm going to collapse into bed.

(Also, whatever happens, Kyonko's mother is probably going to scold her for recklessly going out at night. Go into as much detail as you want with that.)
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:36   Link #767
tshouryuu
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
Spoiler for Integrated something or other:


The entire explanation of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity can probably be copied-and-pasted with little editing, since it's an infodump.

EDIT TO ADD: Also: the next part (which will take place directly after the infodump) will be changed from the novels thus far. It's an attempt to solve a problem with the genderswap, and while I'd be open to alternate solutions, I'd rather not the problem be handwaved away.

More later. Dinner now.
Nice read but two parts in particular seemed to have some minor problems.

Spoiler for 1st part:

This line no matter how I look at it seems unnatural. The younger brother calling Kyon-chan like this feels off. I suggest you either remove the words "Kyon-chan" to form "Where are you going?" or Move Kyon to the front but remove the suffix like "Kyon, where are you going?". Personally I prefer the former but its up to you.
Spoiler for 2nd part:
Kyon-chan here accepts the drink too easily. She has expressed misgivings on going to as well as entering Yuuki's home and yet she accepts the drink just like that? Perhaps you should introduce some thoughts of her wondering is it safe to drink it and have her imagination go wild and later have Yuuki do something and ask is something wrong. maybe something alongs the lines of this.
Spoiler for suggestion:
I'm a lousy writer so use this as a guideline if you like or ignore them if you wish.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:43   Link #768
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tshouryuu View Post
This line no matter how I look at it seems unnatural. The younger brother calling Kyon-chan like this feels off. I suggest you either remove the words "Kyon-chan" to form "Where are you going?" or Move Kyon to the front but remove the suffix like "Kyon, where are you going?". Personally I prefer the former but its up to you.
Easy change, consider it done.

Quote:
Kyon-chan here accepts the drink too easily. She has expressed misgivings on going to as well as entering Yuuki's home and yet she accepts the drink just like that? Perhaps you should introduce some thoughts of her wondering is it safe to drink it and have her imagination go wild and later have Yuuki do something and ask is something wrong. maybe something alongs the lines of this.
Slightly more complicated change, but very good point. I had not considered that when writing.

It'll take a while to insert the fixes and make it flow, or at least it will take more brainpower than I currently have, so I'll leave it to tomorrow, but consider the point well made.
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Old 2008-03-07, 08:49   Link #769
setsuna89
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
How is Kyonko going to get home after visiting Yuuki?
i think she would be cycling back home in view of the strip that had her cycling out to meet Yuuki in the first place.
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Old 2008-03-07, 09:10   Link #770
tshouryuu
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
Okay, while I'm halfway through the deviation from the novels, I have to admit that I'm feeling a lot more tired than I expected, so I may have to leave it to tomorrow. However, since I don't want to imply that I'm "reserving" any portion of the story, I should probably mention explicitly that if anyone wants to post their own take on the problem, feel free to do so.

The problem in question is: How is Kyonko going to get home after visiting Yuuki? Above all, remember that Kyonko is now a girl, and remember all the warnings given about women out alone at night.

Right now I'm having Itsuko pick her up in a mysterious taxi, and then they'll have the slightly-altered conversation that Kyon and Itsuki have after Mikuru had told Kyon about her time-travelling. So basically, instead of the order of revelations being Yuki, Mikuru, then Itsuki, now it's Yuuki, Itsuko, then Mitsuru.

The other option I could think of was for Yuuki to escort Kyonko back home, which would imply that he knows about gentlemanly behaviour to do this at least, as well as any attempts at conversation Kyonko might make during the walk back (which would take twenty minutes while cycling).

If anyone else has any insights, feel free to share them.

Now I'm going to collapse into bed.

(Also, whatever happens, Kyonko's mother is probably going to scold her for recklessly going out at night. Go into as much detail as you want with that.)
I have a crazy suggestion. Have Kyonko start going back in a slight daze from the amount of info from Yuuki and then get Haruki to suddenly show up 37 seconds after she left Yuuki's apartment building and scaring her unexpectedly. He thens proceeds to persuade her to join him on chasing down some sort of weird rumor (maybe about aliens appearing at this late time or something) and promises to escort her back home when she resists his initial persuasions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
Easy change, consider it done.

Slightly more complicated change, but very good point. I had not considered that when writing.

It'll take a while to insert the fixes and make it flow, or at least it will take more brainpower than I currently have, so I'll leave it to tomorrow, but consider the point well made.
You don't have to you know, these are just suggestions and the others don't seem to have problems with those 2 scenes except for me.
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Old 2008-03-07, 09:25   Link #771
toran
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Oops. I meant to quote the female computer club scene not the Integrated Identity snippet.

On that note. I think the Nagato scene was good myself. very believable in my opinion.

Edit: Previous post fixed to reflect what what I meant.

Last edited by toran; 2008-03-07 at 09:59.
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Old 2008-03-07, 10:27   Link #772
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
The other option I could think of was for Yuuki to escort Kyonko back home, which would imply that he knows about gentlemanly behaviour to do this at least, as well as any attempts at conversation Kyonko might make during the walk back (which would take twenty minutes while cycling).
Let's leave it as Yuuki not knowing, but Kyon-chan insists to him that "Hey, you should be a gentleman and escort me home!"

Problem solved. Yuuki will follow her orders.
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Old 2008-03-07, 10:35   Link #773
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Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
Let's leave it as Yuuki not knowing, but Kyon-chan insists to him that "Hey, you should be a gentleman and escort me home!"

Problem solved. Yuuki will follow her orders.
That works for me!

On the scolding bit, we don't have to be there for it, but Kyonko could be feeling down the next morning in school... and of course Haruki will pick up on that and... what could happen?

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Old 2008-03-07, 11:28   Link #774
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If we assume that Kyon-chan was only at Yuuki's for about an hour or so-- judging from the length of the infodump-- that means it's still probably before half past eight at night. They seem to live in a fairly suburban area from what I've seen, so I honestly don't think Kyon-chan would be too concerned about being out alone at that time. She might take the long, better-lit route home, but especially if she's on a bike-- it's faster than walking, less chance of getting randomly grabbed from a dark alley-- I don't think there's really any huge reason for her to worry.
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Old 2008-03-07, 11:32   Link #775
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Originally Posted by dreamoflife View Post
If we assume that Kyon-chan was only at Yuuki's for about an hour or so-- judging from the length of the infodump-- that means it's still probably before half past eight at night. They seem to live in a fairly suburban area from what I've seen, so I honestly don't think Kyon-chan would be too concerned about being out alone at that time. She might take the long, better-lit route home, but especially if she's on a bike-- it's faster than walking, less chance of getting randomly grabbed from a dark alley-- I don't think there's really any huge reason for her to worry.
Still. It's known as "asking for it" by many.

I'm in support of Yuuki escorting Kyon-chan home, followed up by a snide remark by her little brother about coming home with a guy, followed up by a flustered Kyon-chan.
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Old 2008-03-07, 11:36   Link #776
Keroko
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Not every place in the world is filled with gangsters that drag girls of bikes, you know... In fact, barring Haruhi, the place where they live seems pretty quiet.
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Old 2008-03-07, 11:39   Link #777
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Just throwing the possibility out there. And I'm trying to maximize comedy to the extent that I can.
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Old 2008-03-07, 11:42   Link #778
Keroko
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Sorry, sorry. It's just that the amount of paranoia people throw around on the net can drive me up the wall at times.
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Old 2008-03-07, 11:45   Link #779
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We could also put in some foreshadowing that wasn't in the original, and have Asakura Ryo watching them from afar with a sinister look hidden within his handsome smile.
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Old 2008-03-07, 11:52   Link #780
Keroko
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Ooh, I like the sound of that one. Problem is, since everyting is from Kyonko's prespective, how will we make it clear that she's being watched?
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