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Old 2008-03-07, 18:07   Link #841
Kristen
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ_RockmanX View Post
(I see you're still sticking to Minoru. I can't shake Shiraishi out of my head every time that name's brought up. Remember that Mitsuru is a cool name too.)



Shall I designate you as the one to give our novels the girlish touch that Kyon-chan's tsundere nature needs?
Heh... You can designate me as the "Girl who just writes fake dere-dere style journal entries because she finds it fun".

I'm just sticking with Minoru because I remember it. I don't want to look for the real name.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:12   Link #842
Kaisos Erranon
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Originally Posted by Jintor View Post
EDITJOB GET!

Spoiler for tl;dr:
It's great, (Thanks!) though I got rid of the Yellow Fever reference on purpose. Two things relating to Africa in the same paragraph seemed a bit much...
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:13   Link #843
Jintor
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Righto. Edited to correct that.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:14   Link #844
Kaisos Erranon
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Righto. Edited to correct that.
Also, one of your "ifs" you misspelled as "iff".

Or was that me?
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:15   Link #845
Jintor
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I'll correct it regardless.

/EDIT Did I correctly identify the Three Crones thing as a reference to the Greek Goddesses of Fate? Or am I waaaaay of? The Hecate pop up in a number of Western mythologies... so I added "weaving" instead of "writing". 's that OK?
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:17   Link #846
Kaisos Erranon
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I'll correct it regardless.
Thanks.

lolcharacterlimit
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:20   Link #847
Kristen
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Righto. Edited to correct that.
Should the Taniguchi stuff towards the end be talking about how there were so many cute girls at the workplace, or guys?
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:21   Link #848
Kaisos Erranon
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Originally Posted by ChrissieXD View Post
Should the Taniguchi stuff towards the end be talking about how there were so many cute girls at the workplace, or guys?
Taniguchi is a slutty girl in this version, so cute guys.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:27   Link #849
Kristen
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Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
Taniguchi is a slutty girl in this version, so cute guys.
Oh, wow. I just read the story wrong the first time and saw "Cute girls". Stupid eyes... Why do you always deceive me?
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:36   Link #850
Kaisos Erranon
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Originally Posted by ChrissieXD View Post
Oh, wow. I just read the story wrong the first time and saw "Cute girls". Stupid eyes... Why do you always deceive me?
Get glasses?


Aaand another, bigger this time, part done.

Spoiler for Chapter One, part 5:


I've given Haruki this formal tone the original doesn't have...

Constructive criticism, please and thanks.
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Last edited by Kaisos Erranon; 2008-03-10 at 15:59.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:43   Link #851
DJ_RockmanX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
Get glasses?


Aaand another, bigger this time, part done.

Spoiler for Chapter One, part 5:


I've given Haruki this formal tone the original doesn't have...

Constructive criticism, please and thanks.
I can feel Haruki's irritation in his forced formalities. He wants to explode in a mass of GAR, I know it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
"F-for a while, I think."
She studdered. Moe...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
"Every single one of them was silly and childish! I cannot engage in a serious relationship with them! Each one of them expects to be taken out to dinner and paid for, with candles! Often a sappy romantic movie beforehand, for a “heart-pounding experience”! And at the end of the day, all they’d say is a shy “see you tomorrow” and then walk away!"

"I don’t see much that’s wrong with that," I thought to myself; but there’s no way I’d say that out loud. If Haruki says it's bad, then to him, it’s bad. No exceptions.
A glimpse of hot blood peeking out to bash the ideal shoujo fanfare.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:45   Link #852
dreamoflife
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I liked it. :3 I only have a couple of comments: one, you left in the different colors for the different days of the week, but didn't mention Haruki including any weird colored things in his hairstyles. And two, Haruki sounds unnatural sometimes because there don't seem to be many contractions in his speech, it sounds more awkward than formal IMO.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:50   Link #853
dkellis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Not every place in the world is filled with gangsters that drag girls of bikes, you know... In fact, barring Haruhi, the place where they live seems pretty quiet.
My view is more that regardless of how safe it may be, girls will be told not to be out after dark anyway, where "after dark" is anytime after the sun goes down. (In the canon, Kyon meets Yuki when it's already considered "night" at a glance, so this counts.)

I remember a lot of arguments my sister had with my parents when she found out that I could stay out with my friends until two in the morning (because we had concert band practice until about midnight) while she had to be home by dinnertime. And this is Singapore, supposedly one of the safest countries in the world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ_RockmanX View Post
We could also put in some foreshadowing that wasn't in the original, and have Asakura Ryo watching them from afar with a sinister look hidden within his handsome smile.
I was actually going to put this into my version of the story.

This is entirely because if you read the official manga (by Gaku Tsugano), Asakura Ryoko does exactly this. (Volume 1, page 54; she watches from the balcony of the apartment.)

Ryoko: Ara ara... looks like it cannot wait any longer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ_RockmanX View Post
Where you at Kaisos? And dkellis, if you could fulfill Kaisos's request to periodically bring up a compilation of rewrites so far, I could also modify the first post for easier access later.
Will do. Will also post a cleaned-up version in a bit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jintor View Post
/EDIT Did I correctly identify the Three Crones thing as a reference to the Greek Goddesses of Fate? Or am I waaaaay of? The Hecate pop up in a number of Western mythologies... so I added "weaving" instead of "writing". 's that OK?
You have it mostly correct: Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos are the Moirae, the three Greek Goddesses associated with fate and the whole weaving motif.

The Greek Fates used to be depicted as crones (or at least have "forbidding appearances", whatever the heck that means), but after the idea of the Norns (Norse Fates: Urdr, Verdandi, Skuld, which should be familiar to anyone who watched Ah My Goddess) and the Maiden/Mother/Crone trinity spread, they began to be depicted like that as well.

Hecate used to not have anything to do with any of this, but since she gets portrayed as a Triple Goddess anyway (being the Goddess of crossroads, among others), she also got associated with the various triumvirate Fates. (And witchcraft, via the Wyrd Sisters, which are in turn influenced by the triad Fates anyway.)

In short: no problems here.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:51   Link #854
Kaisos Erranon
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Originally Posted by dreamoflife View Post
I liked it. :3 I only have a couple of comments: one, you left in the different colors for the different days of the week, but didn't mention Haruki including any weird colored things in his hairstyles. And two, Haruki sounds unnatural sometimes because there don't seem to be many contractions in his speech, it sounds more awkward than formal IMO.
The original doesn't mentions the colored things either. That's something that Kyoto added, IIRC.

As RmX said, the awkwardness is due to the contained amounts of GAR.

Edit: Yeah, Jintor, I was trying to reference the Fates...

And now I'm tired and so am going to stop for now and go start a new file on Kingdom Hearts. However, I will leave you with one of my favorite scenes:

Spoiler for Chapter Two opening scene:
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:54   Link #855
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
I was actually going to put this into my version of the story.

This is entirely because if you read the official manga (by Gaku Tsugano), Asakura Ryoko does exactly this. (Volume 1, page 54; she watches from the balcony of the apartment.)

Ryoko: Ara ara... looks like it cannot wait any longer.
That's interesting to know. And now more and more I want it to appear in the final version.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
Will do. Will also post a cleaned-up version in a bit.
Hope you can get everything together soon. I messaged Onizuka-GTO, the current head of Baka-Tsuki. With any luck we may be posting all the stuff over there, while critiques and reviews remain here.
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Old 2008-03-07, 18:57   Link #856
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Is it just me or can I expect Kyonko punching Haruki in a Tsundere fashion with Haruki shaking it off with a manly laugh a running gag?
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Old 2008-03-07, 19:03   Link #857
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Nope, I just checked, the colors were in the original too. My point was that if they're going to discuss colors, there needs to be something going on with his hair to trigger it-- a different headband every day? My initial thought was temporary streaks, but IIRC the Japanese school system isn't too hot on unnatural colors.

Edit: Oh, wait, I see what you mean, Haruhi's comment was sort of out of the blue in the original, too. Nevermind. ^^;;

I see your point with the forced formalities, I just think there might be a better way to convey it than lack of contractions, because that's not really how people talk even when they're trying to be polite in real life. And either way I don't think they work too well with the shouting, because I think that's supposed to be him breaking free of his forced politeness (or at least normality), if it's an outburst of emotion wouldn't it follow that he'd talk more naturally?
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Old 2008-03-07, 19:06   Link #858
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Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
What is he trying to do to me by bringing me here? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!
[/SPOILER]
That made me lol XD!
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Old 2008-03-07, 19:07   Link #859
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamoflife View Post
Nope, I just checked, the colors were in the original too. My point was that if they're going to discuss colors, there needs to be something going on with his hair to trigger it-- a different headband every day? My initial thought was temporary streaks, but IIRC the Japanese school system isn't too hot on unnatural colors.

I see your point with the forced formalities, I just think there might be a better way to convey it than lack of contractions, because that's not really how people talk even when they're trying to be polite in real life. And either way I don't think they work too well with the shouting, because I think that's supposed to be him breaking free of his forced politeness (or at least normality), if it's an outburst of emotion wouldn't it follow that he'd talk more naturally?
A different colored hairband might work, but I'll wait for the consensus on that one.

I agree that the lack of contractions is a little too unnatural at times. He's restraining himself, but he's not pulling himself back that far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
However, I will leave you with one of my favorite scenes:

Spoiler for Chapter Two opening scene:
How did I miss this post?
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Old 2008-03-07, 19:08   Link #860
dkellis
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Quick link URL: http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...&postcount=860

The Genderbending of Haruhi Suzumiya Story Archive

This post will be updated as new chapters are added.

If I miss any, please PM me with a link to the post in question, and I'll add it in. Also, if your text is an edit of someone else's, please mention it explicitly in the post.

Kaisos Erranon (Former Official Scribe, now Retired)
Spoiler for Volume 1:


Volume 2, Prologue (Discreet's edit) - Harukidickery

Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, Prologue and part 1 (Discreet's edit of prologue, Discreet's edit of part 1) - Haruki Kender
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 2 (Discreet's edit) - Training montage
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 3 (Discreet's edit) - Let's go to the ball game
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 4 (Jintor's edit) - Blowout
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 5

[b]Currently looking for a new Official Scribe(s). Please read the FAQ.

-----

Other authors:
(In alphabetical order, followed by As Posted order)

Aaron008R
Day of Sagittarius, opening scene, draft (Jintor's edit)
Day of Sagittarius, part 2
Day of Sagittarius, part 3
Day of Sagittarius, part 4 (Akkuseru Jeshii's edit)

Aebliss
Volume 1, Chapter 7, part 3

BookOfMages
Yuuki vs Ryou

cicero
Wandering Shadow part 1 (Beanbrew's edit)
Wandering Shadow part 2

ClockworkAngel
Remote Island Syndrome Introduction
Remote Island Syndrome Part One (Beanbrew's edit, including previous Introduction)
Remote Island Syndrome Part Two
Remote Island Syndrome Part Three (Beanbrew's edit, including part 2)
Remote Island Syndrome Part Four (Beanbrew's edit)
Remote Island Syndrome Part Five (Valentine's edit)
Remote Island Syndrome Part Six (Valentine's edit)
Remote Island Syndrome Part Seven (Red225's edit)
Remote Island Syndrome Part Eight
Remote Island Syndrome Part Nine
Remote Island Syndrome Part Ten A
Remote Island Syndrome Part Eleven B (wait, what happened to Ten B and Eleven A?)

colorado storms
Adventures of Asahina Mitsuru Episode 00 part 1
Adventures of Asahina Mitsuru Episode 00 part 2

CrowKenobi
Volume 2 Prologue

Someday in the Rain script part 1

DKellis
Asahina Mitsuru joins the SOS Brigade

Asakura with knife, without knife (May not be Official anymore, since we seem to be going for the sword.)

Asahina Mitsuru, all grown up

Koizumi Itsuko's first appearance

Yuuki explains the Data Entity

SOS Brigade's day out: Kyonko and Mitsuru

Asakura with sword

The Computer Club issues a challenge

Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody, part 1

Sound Around - Picking Instruments

dreamoflife
Yuuki escorting Kyonko home

Charmed at First Sight LOVER part 1

Filled Insanity
Haruki Theatre Act 1 part 1
Haruki Theatre Act 1 part 2
Haruki Theatre Act 1 part 3
Haruki Theatre Act 1 part 4
Haruki Theatre Act 1 final

Jintor
Yuuki further explaining the Data Entity

Kagedanji
Day of Sagittarius, Computer Club challenge
Day of Sagittarius, from training to victory (Beanbrew's edit) (rewritten below)
Day of Sagittarius, training to opening skirmishes
Day of Sagittarius, to victory

Rewritten below:
Day of Sagittarius: Challenge (Aebliss's edit)
Day of Sagittarius: Battle (Aebliss's edit)

Ryou vs Yuuki (Old version)

Keroko
Computer Club blackmail, male version, first draft

Kogetsu Shirogane
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 1
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 2
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 3
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 4 (Self-edit)
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 5
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 6
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, part 7
Boredom of Haruki Suzumiya, End

Mysterique Sign, part 1
Mysterique Sign, part 2
Mysterique Sign, part 3
Mysterique Sign, part The End

MrZombie
Sighs of Haruki Suzumiya, chapter 1, part 1

NejinOniwa
Volume 1, Chapter 3, part 2 - Maid costume Mitsuru

Volume 1, Chapter 4, part 2 - Explaining time travel

Volume 1, Chapter 2, part 1 - Haruki takes over the Literature Club room

panzerfan
Snippet from Endless Eight

Pip
Sighs of Haruki Suzumiya, chapter 1 part 1
Sighs of Haruki Suzumiya, chapter 1 part 2 (Kogetsu Shirogane's edit, Pip's re-edit)

Redlar
Volume 2, Chapter 1, part 1
Volume 2, Chapter 1, part 2

renrutal
SOS Brigade versus Fujoshi Computer Club

S_Reed
Chapter 1
Selected edits from Chapter 2

shaoron
Lone Island Syndrome part 1
Lone Island Syndrome part 2
Lone Island Syndrome part 3
Lone Island Syndrome part 4
Lone Island Syndrome part 5
Lone Island Syndrome part 6
Lone Island Syndrome part 7

Prologue - Summer (for Endless Eight)
Endless Eight part 1
Endless Eight part 2
Endless Eight part 3 (Aebliss's edits for parts 1 to 3)
Endless Eight part 4
Endless Eight part 5 (Aebliss's edits for parts 4 and 5)
Endless Eight final part (Aebliss's edit)

Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody part 1
Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody parts 2 and 3

Disappearance prologue (Aebliss's psionic edit, Filled Insanity's edit, Discreet's edit)
Disappearance part 1 and 2 (Edits incorporated)
Disappearance Chapter 1 part 3 or something like that (Beanbrew's edit, Aebliss's edit of Beanbrew's edit)
Disappearance Chapter 2 part 1 (Aebliss's edit)
Disappearance Chapter 2 part 2 (Aebliss's edit)
Disappearance Chapter 3 part 1 (Aebliss's edit)
Disappearance Chapter 3 part 2 (Aebliss's edit)
Disappearance Chapter 4
Disappearance Chapter 5
Disappearance Chapter 6 and epilogue (Fumeiryou's edit)

Vodrake
Volume 2 Prologue

-----

Fanfiction

Aebliss
Something something something

The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 1
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 2
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 3
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 4
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 5
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 6
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 7
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 8
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 9
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 10
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 11
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 12
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 13
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 14
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 15
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 16
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 17
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 18
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 19
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 20
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 21
The Setsubun of Suzumiya Haruki, part 22


Ayanokoji
Practical Joke

DKellis
Bridge, Cross, Later
The Fanclub of Yuuki Nagato

Kogetsu Shirogane
Kyonko no Bouken! Episode 01, part 1
The Assault of Itsuko Koizumi

otai
Loli Teacher Kyonko (and non-Seitenkan Mother's Day Special)
Loli Teacher Kyonko - Computer Club Extortion Scene

Roger Rambo
Failure to escape from the bunnysuit

sonicspin
Suzumiya Haruhi no Tsuji

Triple_R
War scene (swtrooper42's response)

Tsochar
The Introduction of Haruki Suzumiya part 1
The Introduction of Haruki Suzumiya part 2

Unknown
Suzumiya Haruhi no Tenkan (translated by waigore)

-----

Radio Drama
Yes, we have voices.

Volume 1 WIP
Volume 1 completed and archived

-----

For the Crossroads of Haruhi Suzumiya Visual Novel Project Archive, see here.
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Last edited by dkellis; 2009-09-11 at 10:38.
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