|2015-12-20, 18:33||Link #1|
Join Date: Dec 2015
Is my light novel worth publishing?
Probably no ,but some friends say that it's good (I don't trust them.)
Even if it sucks I still own the rights to this piece.
Enjoy Reading and seriously good luck.
It’s the story of a homeless man who goes in a specific restaurant where there is an old man who gives him food for free.
One day a group of men came in the restaurant and assaulted the old man because he owes them money and he couldn’t pay them back.
Main bad guy: “Hey grandpa, give us our money!!”
Old man: “Please…hh…help.”
Main bad guy: “You better have the money now, or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes tonight.”
The old man keeps asking for pity, but nothing works and everyone is too afraid to help him or even call the police.
At that moment, the hobo was calmly sipping his lukewarm chicken soup. It took him some time to realize what was happening, but the scene reminded him of how tough his life was. This is when he realized that if the old man kicked the bucket, the only thing left for him would be to starve. After all, who else would be as nice with him and give him some good, savory chicken soup?
“Guess it can’t be helped, huh? For, my own sake, I’d better help him. “
He then decides to jump to the rescue and tries to fight the oppressor.
Homeless guy: “HEY, YOU PIECES OF... Argggh!! YOU BETTER DROP THE OLD GEEZER BEFORE I CRUSH YOUR SKULL.”
Bad guy #1: “Oh no… What shall become of us! We truly are doomed!”
Bad guy #2: “AHAHAHA! OH, MY SIDES, THEY HURT!”
Main bad guy: “Go back to your dumpster before I smack the life out of your miserable carcass.”
Homeless guy: “We’ll see who’s carcass will be destroyed.”
At that moment our protagonist, with all of his will and rage, gave the strongest punch he could ever have given and landed it into the face of the main enemy. His fist shined with a yellow aura and no one… absolutely no one could’ve seen the punch pass by, as it was way too fast to be witnessed by any human being, and when the fist reached the target, a strong, strange and strident sound spread through the restaurant, followed by a dreadful silence, as if time had stopped.
Old man: “Why? Why did you defend me? You’re in trouble now… because of me…” Homeless guy: “Cut the bullshit. I saved you because… um… for all the things you did to me! Even though, even though I didn’t have money, you gave me food. Even though I scared some of your customers because of my looks, you never chased me out of the restaurant. For those reasons I WILL DEFEND YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!! Oh, and your soup is pretty good, I guess.”
The bad guy who was beaten by our protagonist suddenly stood up.
Main bad guy touching his face: “OUUUCH! That one hurts, damn, you’re strong!”
Homeless guy: “Yeah, I know, fighting is my main ability.”
Main bad guy: “How did you learn to punch like that?”
Homeless guy: “You know those Chinese cartoons with a lot of violence in ‘em?”
Main bad guy: “You mean, like, Anime?”
Homeless guy: “Yeah… what the hell is anime?”
Main bad guy: “Ah, Never mind.”
Homeless guy: “Well, I used to watch those shows when I was
young, and I just remember every move they used, I imitate the techniques and advice shown in those shows every single day. A hundred push-ups, a hundred sit-ups, a hundred squat and running ten kilometers every day, that’s my jam.”
Main bad guy starring the homeless dude in a strange way: “Do you think I’m stupid? There’s no way such a normal training could make you that strong.”
Homeless guy: “It’s not like I expected you to believe me anyways…”
Main bad guy: “Just… forget about it, and fun fact, your Chinese cartoons aren’t Chinese… they’re Japanese...
WE GOT ‘EM, BOYS. LOAD YA GUNS AND LOCK ON TARGET! GO! GO! GO!”
The protagonist is now surrounded by the minions of the main oppressor.
Main Bad guy: “Soooo… now look, you move, you’re dead. Pretty simple, isn’t it?”
Homeless guy: “DAMN IT!”
Main Bad guy: “Well, well calm down man, just, chill a little bit won’t you? You know, I have a proposition for you, man. How about becoming our new leader?
Minions and the homeless guy: Wait, WHAT?!”
Everyone in the room was confused.
Minions: “ARE YOU CRAZY, LEADER?!”
Leader: “No… Am perfectly sane.”
Leader: “So, if you accept I’ll spare this old geezer life and if you don’t…We all know what will happen to him, HEHEHEHEHE! What’s your choice then?”
Homeless guy with an angry face: “I guess, I will become the damn leader, pfff!”
The old man knowing that his life was spared cries and thanks a thousand times our protagonist. After all the emotion, the ex-leader ordered every one of his
subordinates to bend affront the new chief.
Ex-leader: “Welcome to the organization..uuughh…what’s your name?”
Old man: “Hey! That’s true, you never told me your name?”
Leader: “ummmm… (In his mind: I don’t have a proper name. I used to live in an unlicensed orphanage and everyone referred to me with different nicknames…)” Ex-leader: “Your name? Please continue.”
Leader: “My name is…I…I…actually…don’t...”
After 3 seconds of silence in the restaurant.
Leader: “Yeah! That’s it, my name is, Iactully.”
From now one Iactully was on the point to begin his ascension in society by becoming the new leader of one the richest illegal association in history. That association was named W.O.L.F.
He was then escorted through narrow streets where no one passes by until they arrived in front of car. That car was so beautifully designed that by sight you could’ve known that it costed minimum 1 billion woo long. The fact that the car didn’t have any major known company logo except for a grey wolf logo with red eyes gave us the clue that it was a unique custom model.
Ex-Leader: “Boss, this is your new car, it was not long ago mine but, now that you’re the chief, it belongs to you now. Here, take the keys.”
Iactully: “THIS! … MINE?!”
Ex-leader is shaking his head: “yup!”
Iactully: “I don’t know how to drive…”
Everyone else: “… yeah that’s true, how a homeless dude could possibly get a car license?”
Ex-leader: “Well, I’ll ride.”
Iactully and his men entered in the car where there was a woman. That woman looked the same age as him.
Iactully: “Who’s that girl? The one I’m supposed to fall in love in an unpredictable non-cliché way?”
Woman: “Who’s that hobo, father?”
Iactully: “Yeah,...according to the script you are supposed to be my love interest.”
Woman exasperated, quitting her role : “Yeah...I...know pretty boring huh, never seen in any piece of art before with that kind of plot.”
Ex-Leader: “Uh, sorry leader for not introducing to you my daughter.”
Woman totally ignoring her father: “And of course I’m a daughter of a rich man, totally unpredictable. “
Ex-Leader continue his role : “He’s my successor. From now on he’s the leader, sweet potato.”
Woman: “So know am supposed to get hysteric, man...this script sure is boring.”
Iactully: “You know, from now on, let’s do what we want with the story, no more female characters just to serve as love interest? What you think?”
Woman: “Pretty good, actually let’s do it. Want some?”
She hands over a bag of chips.
Iactully: “Ah? thanks! What about hanging out and thinking about a better story and, ummm… is your real name Aelly?”
Woman: “Still reading the script,huh?”
Iactully: “…Yeah… Let’s just... rip it apart!”
They both get out of the car and start walking on the street until arriving on a small clothing shop.
Iactully: “uh… Aelly do you have some money? Maybe I should buy some new clothing because am not really comfortable.”
Aelly: “Sure. Am not greedy, Let’s go together.”
They enter the shop where there is a man that tries to sell some really expensive neat clothing.
Mister Seler : “Sir, how about this nice tuxedo that every girl will fall for you after wearing it?”
Iactully: “How much?”
Mister Seler: “30 000 woo long.”
Iactully: “WHAT, 30 000 WOO LONG!”
Aelly: “Well that’s bit expensive you know...but...am...still generous…”
Iactully: “Just give me nice jeans and a shirt.”
After buying all the clothes, Iactully and the woman… (Excuse me, I mean Aelly.) continue their small expedition.
Iactully: “Look, there is a bunch of guys with white suits, are they from our organization?”
Aelly: “I don’t know, I thought we just ditched the script,no? ”
A little kid on his bicycle accidentally hit one of the guys in white tuxedos.
Kid: “Ouch! Sorry mister.”
White tuxedo guy: “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU! F*** OFF!”
Iactully: “Aelly...I think it isn’t a play anymore...he said the F WORD!”
Aelly: “Owww...it doesn’t smell good!”
Iactully: “Do you mean I stink that much! Come on, I just took my shower the other day!”
One of the guy in the white suit powerfully strikes the kid’s stomach with his leg, we then hear a bone cracking noise and the child fall to the ground while spitting a lot of blood. That 6.9 foot tall man laugh and turns his back. Our protagonist jump to see the kid’s condition.
Iactully: “Kid, are you alright?!”
Kid: “kof! Kof! Mommy…Daddy…I want to see them again…”
Iactully: “Hurry up! Someone call the police!!”
The White tuxedo guy turns his back and yell.
White tuxedo guy: “IF SOMEONE CALLS THE POLICE I’LL KILL HIM!!!!”
Kid: “kof! Kof! I…can’t feel my stomach anymore. Everything is becoming blurry. AAAAHHHHH! I can’t see!! Help!!! Mommmy!! OUUUUUUIIIIN!!!!”
Iactully: “…DAMN IT WHY DON’T I HAVE A STUPID CELL PHONE AT MOMENT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Kid: “Ma..ma…I wanted…to see you at the hospital before you leave us…mom..sniff..sniff.”
Iactully: “Kid, am going to save you, please stays with us! PLEASE CALL THE POLICE, YOU COWARDS!!! GIVE ME YOUR PHONE!!!”
White tuxedo guy: “IF SOMEONE GIVES A PHONE TO THIS GUY I WILL EXECUTE HIM!!!!
Kid:”I…really wanted to become a doctor…sniff…so I could save you, mom…but it’s all over! HELP!!! I CAN’T FEEL MY BODY ANYMORE…kof! Kof! Mom…I love you and daddy too…I don’t wanna die mom. Not yet…”
The kid slowly closed his eyes, he…was…dead…
Iactully in his mind: “His heart stopped beating…he’s DEAD! DEAD!, that child, is dead!”
White tuxedo guy: “Serve him! AHAHAHA!”
At that moment, tears, tears of hatred flowed on our hero’s cheeks. He felt a way he never did before, he felt HATRED at its core. He wanted to avenge the dead child. It wasn’t a play anymore it was real life.“Why killing such an innocent child?!”. Our hero blinded by his emotion, attacked furiously the tall man.He was easily stopped and his hand was now captured by the enemy’s huge hand. He then broke our protagonist arm easily by swinging his hand.
White tuxedo guy: “You wanna quit, already? AHAHAHA!”
Normally, Iactully would’ve fled. But this time, it was a no. He preferred to die than to flee recklessly. Sometimes, the more you get hurt the stronger you became. It was too much;
he couldn’t bare all his ANGER, HATRED AND PAIN. Suddenly, Iactully charged again, but this time it was impossible to predict where he was going to hit. While he was performing his attack, the villain, who then saw our hero eyes was suddenly took by a feeling of terror, in those eyes he saw not a human, but something else, The enemy was seized with so much terror that he got a heart attack before he even received the attack.
At that moment, Iactully was going to strike his punch, he realized that something was wrong with the enemy and stopped his attack from an inch before hitting the target. The wall that was behind the bad guy was pulverized. Then, the enemy fell on the ground and everyone was astonished by what they saw. In the mind of the general public the hero’s strike was so powerful that even without properly hitting the target; it was enough to kill the opponent. Everyone screamed joy! Iactully cried.
Iactully:”I...Killed...Someone…! Am NOT HUMAN I’M A MONSTER! A MONSTER!”
Aelly: “No! He deserved it, and you didn’t even touched him, so… you’re not the one at fault here!”
Iactully: “I… Had...the intention of killing him…”
Aelly: “If I killed him, I would be proud! He is the MONSTER not YOU!”
Iactully is shaking: “Is this even real, are you sure that it isn’t part of the plot, maybe he’s alive?”
Aelly: “If only my phone didn’t go out of batteries, none of this would’ve happen.”
Iactully: “You would’ve got killed. I don’t feel good, my head hurts!”
Aelly: “Let’s go to the hospital fast”
Iactully: “I’m tired...oww..my head”
Aelly tried to take Iactully on her shoulders, but he was too heavy.
Killing is the solution?
Today, he had the intention to kill a monster.
The monster is dead.
He avenged the child.
Now, is he the new monster?
No, he’s not… It was well deserved!
Peace cannot exist when oppression is.
Violence is the only solution.
We all agree,isn’t it?
See ya... The final day is coming soon.
Pray or Play, you will see what happens, on that day.
|2015-12-21, 15:12||Link #2|
Join Date: May 2015
Location: My House
It's a little fast, try slowing it down and expanding the writing. It felt like it was jumping all over the place
Each individual segment is too small and you must explore the situation a little more.
I do like the MC personality and all the other characters as well.
The jokes are enough to make me smirk. I like witty humour so this is bias but consider it a personal one up from me.