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Old 2008-07-17, 18:35   Link #2801
Sheba
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki View Post
I like it . Just doing shorts on a character's daily life can reveal a lot about them and be used to develop their character and relationships with others. Keep going
So I'll need to finish this one first. And think about who I can do the next. I has been trying to tell how the Aces could be seen from the point of view of an ordinary PR woman of the intelligence department. But yea, the dialogues are my weak points unless I find the motive to go tarantino on the characters (like in that long conversation between Travolta and L.Jackson over what's the best hamburger in pulp fiction).
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Old 2008-07-17, 18:45   Link #2802
Comartemis
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Quote:
unless they have some intel/info regarding the Seeds from some insider midchildan, it is highly unlikely that she or even the Mahora Commune (that's what i call them) would even know

and even if they know, they would also brand these as dangerous, unless they are risking it
Eva stumbles on one of the Jewel Seeds by chance, and in retrieving it accidentally sets it off. Before it can start to run amok, though, Eva clamps down on the thing with 500 years of vampiric sorceress willpower and subdues it through sheer force of will like Fate did on one occasion. The resulting magical backlash sends a spiderweb of cracks through the seal on her powers created by the Infernus Scholasticus curse, unsealing a small portion of her powers. It doesn't take Eva long to find out that there are more of these things, and she sets out to find the others and try to repeat her results.

Quote:
If you're going to tie in the Mundus Magicus and the Midchilda events together, you are then violating a premise- Earth is Supposed to have no magical potential
The concept of Earth as being a magic-free zone isn't central to the plot, nor is it really that important of a detail in the long run; as a matter of fact, the only purpose it really serves is to point out how special Nanoha really is, and we know that already. On the flip side, making Nanoha Earth into Negima Earth opens up the possibility of Nanoha having to deal with other Terran mages during the timeskip, like Takamichi and friends, and allows Suzuka and Arisa to get into the action more easily.

Remember when I said a few pages back that canon shouldn't be directly contradicted in a story unless it makes the story better than it would be otherwise? This is one of those times. And it's not even a very significant contradiction; it's rather like contradicting the fact that Negima mages have set limits to the magic they can use which are present from birth. These things are minor enough that I don't think you should hesitate to overlook them if doing so will allow you to tell a better story.

Quote:
I (technically Kha and I) have plans but i'm not willing to share it until you show off yours
I did, a few pages back. Since I don't feel like sifting through backlog at the moment, here's the concept as I posted it on Fukufics. Keep in mind that the initial post is out of date; Cyphus isn't a demon sorcerer anymore for one thing.
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Old 2008-07-17, 19:41   Link #2803
Kha
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I don't mean to rehash this, but no problems with canon details in that version of Kha? And no complaints? Cos right now I'm feeling like dkellis, not sure whether to take it seriously or not due to the lack of confirmatory comments about points where the character interacts with canon.
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Old 2008-07-17, 20:14   Link #2804
Wild Goose
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Bakha, I am very tired. I have no energy.

I would rather write Macross OC and poke fun at Cadia and Cadians and Macross (albeit in a loving manner) rather than haxxbust at this moment.
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Old 2008-07-17, 20:21   Link #2805
AdmiralTigerclaw
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EDIT:

Completely wrong forum... freakin A! Must have occured when I was clicking back and forth and went for the quick reply box...

EDIT 2: Might as well use this post for something...


Just a little side pocket of characters I'm going to pull in here... but Mouse Squadron, one of the two vehicle squadrons at ABN AFB is actually a pull in of my own starfighter squadron. The 151rst Tactical Starfighter Squadron. "Mouse." (No one is mightier.)

The squadron is a twelve wing formation that consists of six named regulars, and six mooks.

The six regs are as follows.

Mouse One (Mouse Lader)
Callsign: Ace.

The strong silent type... in my universe, he's the best damned fighter pilot in the galaxy, but most of his screen time is in fights, so you don't get to learn much about him except that he's REALLY DAMN GOOD. Enemies who've survived reffer to his spacecraft as 'The one piloted by a demon!'
In cannon, he's good enough to be a squad lead, and is still silent except to give commands and such.


Mouse Two
Callsign: Hammer

By the books, no-nonsense, get it done or else type. Hammer doesn't think battle is the fun type, he just thinks it something to get over with. He's constantly chewing out Mouse Three for getting into trouble, disobeying commands, and chattering up the communication line. His flying is just like his attitude. No nonsense, no frills, clean and crisp.


Mouse Three:

Callsign: REX

Rex is a fun loving partier caught in the cockpit. Often times he tends to bite off more than he can chew, disobeys commands in favor of his own judgement, and generally gives everyone in the squadron a headache. He loves to smalltalk and will often ramble up a storm on the commlines during a mission. Prompting shouts of 'CUT THE CHATTER!' from Mouse Two. Despite the number of times he has to be bailed out of trouble, he's still a damn fine pilot that can hold his own even when he's up to his ears in it.


Mouse Four:

Callsign: Princess

The only Female regular in Mouse, Princess is treated like her callsign namesake... As a pilot, she's known for her role as the squadron's Forward Aerospace Controller, thanks to her wonderful talent in multitasking. She will often be found flying with superb skill while simultaniously operationg three communications and four information feeds at any given time, making her the pilot with the greatest understanding of the changing combat environment in the squadron. With this knowledge, she often relays many of the tactical warnings and commands to her squadron mates. Her amiable personality, wonderful vocal tones, and cute body add to the package, making her a very loved, and highly prized pilot for the squadron. God have pitty on those who try to shoot her down, as when she's in trouble in a dogfight, the rest of the squadron has a tendency to drop what they're doing and converge on the problem... which is quite intimidating when you realize five of the best fighter pilots around just put their noses on you.


Mouse Five, Six.

Callsigns: Crock, Gator

The Twins are an inseperable but entertaining and deadly pair. In combat, they are nothing short of two parts of the greater whole. When the fly together, they are capable of reading each other's moves and complementing each other perfectly, almost always looking out for each other and acting as a single unit no matter how convoluted the furball.
On the ground, they bicker... constantly. Nothing too nasty, usually trivial stuff like you'd expect brothers to do. But they'll defend each other to the death if need be.
Often times they can be found flying wing escort positions for Princess, keeping her out of hot water proactively.


Spoiler for Example of mouse squadron in action:
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Old 2008-07-17, 20:27   Link #2806
Kha
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It's okay, Goose. Has things at work gotten better?

And erm... Only Anita has the right to call me Baka, but minor point...

I've made another revision, adding some more lore I dreamed up and tightened some descriptions, and decided to just remake Artei along with him. So there's a short reference to the new Artei, and where the two men are going in StrikerS. The entry can be found here. And I'm still in need of canon confirmation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryand-Smith View Post
Comartemis , I have to agree with the crowd here. My most powerful OC, Brian is AA, possibly Trippe A, and to keep him fair, he can't fly.

Also Part Two of my Story, Revived for ERRORS AND SPELLING.

Spoiler for Chapter 2, More Attacks of Steel!:
Just need to work on the punctuation, like starting a new paragraph with every new speech if possible, you'll be fine. Right now its a little on the "massoftext" level of reading difficulty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShinySword View Post
@.@ well here's the crack that's been boiling in the IRC (both the FFC and the OCC. The ideas came from everyone who was there really. Tempest, I think, came up with the original idea, which proceeded to get bounced around, with apologies to everyone featured .


Monty Khrack and The Holy Flail

Spoiler for Here it is:
...and you guys wonder why I think people haet Kha and need to revise him. He has the same number of appearances on Jay Leno or David Letterman's as President Bush!

Not that I mind as a character.

As for the rest, AYE for favor!!!

*wonders if Keroko hears him from this thread*



Quote:
Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw View Post
Even in my creepy chapter, I need to remember some humor.

Spoiler for Crash protests doing something that's NOT his job.:



Heheheh...
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Last edited by Kha; 2008-07-17 at 21:01.
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Old 2008-07-18, 02:19   Link #2807
tshouryuu
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Comartemis View Post
Eva stumbles on one of the Jewel Seeds by chance, and in retrieving it accidentally sets it off. Before it can start to run amok, though, Eva clamps down on the thing with 500 years of vampiric sorceress willpower and subdues it through sheer force of will like Fate did on one occasion. The resulting magical backlash sends a spiderweb of cracks through the seal on her powers created by the Infernus Scholasticus curse, unsealing a small portion of her powers. It doesn't take Eva long to find out that there are more of these things, and she sets out to find the others and try to repeat her results.


The concept of Earth as being a magic-free zone isn't central to the plot, nor is it really that important of a detail in the long run; as a matter of fact, the only purpose it really serves is to point out how special Nanoha really is, and we know that already. On the flip side, making Nanoha Earth into Negima Earth opens up the possibility of Nanoha having to deal with other Terran mages during the timeskip, like Takamichi and friends, and allows Suzuka and Arisa to get into the action more easily.

Remember when I said a few pages back that canon shouldn't be directly contradicted in a story unless it makes the story better than it would be otherwise? This is one of those times. And it's not even a very significant contradiction; it's rather like contradicting the fact that Negima mages have set limits to the magic they can use which are present from birth. These things are minor enough that I don't think you should hesitate to overlook them if doing so will allow you to tell a better story.

I did, a few pages back. Since I don't feel like sifting through backlog at the moment, here's the concept as I posted it on Fukufics. Keep in mind that the initial post is out of date; Cyphus isn't a demon sorcerer anymore for one thing.
I think I need to sit down and have a very long talk with you one day for I seemed to be working on incomplete information. There are a few other issues (like how you break canon when there are ways to make them flow together) but this can be touch upon when we have that talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kha View Post
I don't mean to rehash this, but no problems with canon details in that version of Kha? And no complaints? Cos right now I'm feeling like dkellis, not sure whether to take it seriously or not due to the lack of confirmatory comments about points where the character interacts with canon.
I'm busy face palming atm at the unkhracked Kha for I think there are some more parts that do not comply with canon.
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Old 2008-07-18, 03:04   Link #2808
PhoenixFlare
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All right, I manage to finish the next chapter today, and it's passed all betas (sorta ), so I'm going to post it now. Here goes the Bluecheesium of the Day!

Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha GuardianS

Chapter Nine—Decisions

Spoiler for Scene I:


Spoiler for Scene II:

Last edited by PhoenixFlare; 2008-07-18 at 05:34.
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Old 2008-07-18, 03:06   Link #2809
PhoenixFlare
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Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha GuardianS

Chapter Nine—Decisions

Spoiler for Scene II, continued:

Last edited by PhoenixFlare; 2008-07-18 at 05:14.
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Old 2008-07-18, 03:10   Link #2810
PhoenixFlare
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Last volley!

Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha GuardianS

Chapter Nine—Decisions

Spoiler for Scene III:


Spoiler for Scene IV:


Right, that's about it. It's rather short (four scenes in total), but I think this is the most fanservice-choked chapter of all, and our shippers are grinning like devils, especially Hayaurion legions.

*flees from Aaronwrath*

Don't mind the references, it's cheesy and cliched, I know, but I still prefer them there.

Hope you all enjoy it, too!

Anyway, for this chapter, there will be a small credits post, since I really received a lot of help from these people. Without them, this will probably be a very tough job.

Spoiler for Credits:

Last edited by PhoenixFlare; 2008-07-18 at 05:35.
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Old 2008-07-18, 03:15   Link #2811
Liingo
Love Hina?
 
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Kangaroos live in my backyard =P
Awesome. I get home in time to catch the next Bluechessium bomb

*puts down Obernewtyn 5 to read chapter 9*

Spoiler for reply - fixes:


As usual, what I said above are suggestions only

All in all a good chapter on the aftermath of the attack (although one that doesn't really seem to move the plot along any...) . The inclusion of PTSD surprised me for a second, although it's probably something that I should have expected to be included at some point. Another good point was the damage caused by the attack, something that's going to take a long time to repair, which is rightfully pointed out in the chapter somewhere (I can't remember where )

There were quite a lot of parts where words could have been removed to have shorter and in my opinion more flowing sentences, but I'll not point those out unless you really want me to, since that feels like I'm trying to impose my way of writing on to someone else.

-Liingo

Last edited by Liingo; 2008-07-18 at 04:35.
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Old 2008-07-18, 05:43   Link #2812
PhoenixFlare
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In short order,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
Scene 2
- Sorry, this just doesn’t make sense to me. You shouldn’t be able to see the foundation of a building unless there was so much damage that it managed to affect a good few metres below street level. Or maybe I’m just reading too much into this
Actually, my intended meaning was "support", as in referring to the steel grills and multiple concrete layers, but I suppose it also means the base that transfers/spreads the weight of the building to the ground. I'll change it so as to avoid confusion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
Peculiar wording at the end to me. About the perimeter, in the area, amongst the wreckage
Changed to 'about'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
- Shamal has her hands full and is working as hard as she can in the wards, <- The above just doesn’t sound right

- Am -> was. Should be in past tense as it doesn’t make sense for it to be in the present.

- I’m not sure what you mean here with the supposedly. Wouldn’t it be a yes or no answer if it was part of the roundabout?

Scene 3
Location needs to be edited as it’s known where people are.
Ditto. Thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
Glass reinforced plastic? Not the other way around? That just doesn’t compute with me.
Um, there isn't anything as plastic-reinforced glass. Glass-reinforced plastic is actually plastic reinforced with fiberglass. Anyway, >>here<< you go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
I would have used rotors instead of headlights. Headlights don’t really fit with the imagery of ‘slicing’
It's actually the lights that did the slicing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
Scene 4
I should have seen that one coming when Grandia pulled his sword out. I'm a little worried about what's to come, but time will tell if my prediction in the previous chapter will come true concerning Trysthan.
Am I predicting correctly that you're predicting Trystahn will defect?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
All in all a good chapter on the aftermath of the attack (although one that doesn't really seem to move the plot along any...) .
Thanks! And I also noticed myself that the plot had slowed, somewhat. Then again, I chopped the entire chapter plot in two (for the second time <.<), since a lot of events need to be placed down appropriately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liingo View Post
The inclusion of PTSD surprised me for a second, although it's probably something that I should have expected to be included at some point. Another good point was the damage caused by the attack, something that's going to take a long time to repair, which is rightfully pointed out in the chapter somewhere (I can't remember where )
It's really accidental that I thought of making Vivio the unfortunate victim (Keroko, don't kill me for this ), since there's supposed to be another scene having a similar consequence. But, I really think that it fits into the scene and progresses rather nicely for Nanoha's ambush, so I just proceeded with it.

As for the repair, yes, it's going to take quite some time (I can't remember where myself ). I suppose magic would repair things faster than if they'd relied on physical manual labor alone.

Edit: Lowe just showed me that there is plastic-reinforced glass, which is used for windshields, glazing, and curtainwalls.

Last edited by PhoenixFlare; 2008-07-18 at 07:06.
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Old 2008-07-18, 07:36   Link #2813
Liingo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixFlare View Post
Um, there isn't anything as plastic-reinforced glass. Glass-reinforced plastic is actually plastic reinforced with fiberglass. Anyway, >>here<< you go.
Looks like we both learnt something new today. In my defense though, I know the layman's term for GRP and was very confused.
Quote:
It's actually the lights that did the slicing.
Nevermind me
Quote:
Am I predicting correctly that you're predicting Trystahn will defect?
Umm, more along the lines of vegetables..
Quote:
Thanks! And I also noticed myself that the plot had slowed, somewhat. Then again, I chopped the entire chapter plot in two (for the second time <.<), since a lot of events need to be placed down appropriately.
*shrug* Not like I can complain I haven't written anything in months *sigh*
Quote:
It's really accidental that I thought of making Vivio the unfortunate victim (Keroko, don't kill me for this ), since there's supposed to be another scene having a similar consequence. But, I really think that it fits into the scene and progresses rather nicely for Nanoha's ambush, so I just proceeded with it.

Wait.... Nanoha's ambush? *intrigued*
Quote:
As for the repair, yes, it's going to take quite some time (I can't remember where myself ). I suppose magic would repair things faster than if they'd relied on physical manual labor alone.
Very true.
Quote:
Edit: Lowe just showed me that there is plastic-reinforced glass, which is used for windshields, glazing, and curtainwalls.
Make that two things I've learned today... I actually wasn't sure of platic-reinforced glass either
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Old 2008-07-18, 08:59   Link #2814
Comartemis
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Quote:
There are a few other issues (like how you break canon when there are ways to make them flow together) but this can be touch upon when we have that talk.
Tsu, if you have ideas as to how to seamlessly merge two completely different versions of Earth without making some adjustments or overwriting canon in one or the other, by all means let me hear 'em. I'd rather be able to merge the two timelines together than just overwrite one or the other, but to achieve the end result of putting Nanoha on Mahora campus grounds in season 1, I cannot see any other way than the one I've come up with.
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Old 2008-07-18, 09:09   Link #2815
tshouryuu
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Originally Posted by Comartemis View Post
Tsu, if you have ideas as to how to seamlessly merge two completely different versions of Earth without making some adjustments or overwriting canon in one or the other, by all means let me hear 'em. I'd rather be able to merge the two timelines together than just overwrite one or the other, but to achieve the end result of putting Nanoha on Mahora campus grounds in season 1, I cannot see any other way than the one I've come up with.
I think I have some idea but i need to figure out what exactly you're trying to do and how aka I need that talk
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Old 2008-07-18, 13:08   Link #2816
Evangelion Xgouki
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheba View Post
So I'll need to finish this one first. And think about who I can do the next. I has been trying to tell how the Aces could be seen from the point of view of an ordinary PR woman of the intelligence department. But yea, the dialogues are my weak points unless I find the motive to go tarantino on the characters (like in that long conversation between Travolta and L.Jackson over what's the best hamburger in pulp fiction).
Ganbatte!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Goose View Post
I would rather write Macross OC and poke fun at Cadia and Cadians and Macross (albeit in a loving manner) rather than haxxbust at this moment.
You can never have enough Macross crack . I wanna see what it's going to end up being like

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kha View Post
It's okay, Goose. Has things at work gotten better?

And erm... Only Anita has the right to call me Baka, but minor point...
Oh ho....

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixFlare View Post
All right, I manage to finish the next chapter today, and it's passed all betas (sorta ), so I'm going to post it now. Here goes the Bluecheesium of the Day!

Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha GuardianS

Chapter Nine—Decisions
YOU!!!! What is with this BLUECHESSIUM OF AWESOMENESS?!?!?!?!?
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Old 2008-07-18, 13:09   Link #2817
Comartemis
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Well for one thing, I'm trying to fuse the timelines at their base level... sort of like this.

Spoiler for Timeline divergence details:

Is this a better set-up than just "replace Negima Earth with Nanoha Earth" or does it need more work to justify the transition?
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Last edited by Comartemis; 2008-07-18 at 13:23.
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Old 2008-07-18, 13:41   Link #2818
aldw
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I'd say that the Belkan's crash landing on the MW would be better, and have people move from the MW to Earth. Earth isn't without magical power to begin with in Nanoha, as Arisa and Suzuka had enough magic potential to not be affected by the phantom barrier, just that inherently strong potential mages are uncommon. This would jibe with the fact that it took Eva a considerable amount of time to become a decently strong mage, compared to the Aces getting so strong in such a short time. I'd also say that Nagi should be from Earth but hook up with TSAB while visiting MW.
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Old 2008-07-18, 13:50   Link #2819
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by comartemis View Post
Spoiler for Timeline divergence details:
does it need more work to justify the transition?
It's going to need lots more work. First of all, there's no need for 10-100,000 Belkans to hide themselves like that. Like you said, it's adding a really big number to the population. All they need is a defensible position to place a settlement and they can hold against anything Mediveal Europe can throw at them. In that space, they can rebuild and then deal with the natives on their terms. You really have to say what they don't have that forces them to hide from a bunch of barbarians whose most-advanced tech at this time is the catapault.
You think this is something? Check out Island in the Sea of Time and its sequels by S.M. Striling or 1632 by Eric Flint. These two are just late 20th century towns with fewer people and lower tech than your Belkans, see how they deal with the natives! Your Belkans can do much better, why hide?

Last edited by Jimmy C; 2008-07-18 at 14:02.
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Old 2008-07-18, 14:43   Link #2820
Comartemis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
It's going to need lots more work. First of all, there's no need for 10-100,000 Belkans to hide themselves like that. Like you said, it's adding a really big number to the population. All they need is a defensible position to place a settlement and they can hold against anything Mediveal Europe can throw at them. In that space, they can rebuild and then deal with the natives on their terms. You really have to say what they don't have that forces them to hide from a bunch of barbarians whose most-advanced tech at this time is the catapault.
You think this is something? Check out Island in the Sea of Time and its sequels by S.M. Striling or 1632 by Eric Flint. These two are just late 20th century towns with fewer people and lower tech than your Belkans, see how they deal with the natives! Your Belkans can do much better, why hide?
*Ponders...*

Well so long as we have the understanding that humans have untapped magical potential we can work with history to make it so the native magic-users aren't wiped out in the Middle Ages.

The divergence point in the story was originally first contact with the TSAB, when Earth or at least Mundus Magicus is shown to have a sizable mage population rather than being almost devoid of magical potential like in canon. Moving farther back, this divergence is therefore the result of something in history that kept Earth's native magic-users from biting the dust and essentially dying out, taking the events of Negima canon with them. This is the essential point I'm trying to create here to merge the two timelines together into Something Completely Different.

Suppose I cut down the Belkan influx to a few hundred civilian refugees, the Kaiser, and her bodyguards? Stripped of most of their tech and the means to make more--devices included--only the Kaiser and her bodyguards would be in any real position to fend off barbarian hoards and the Kaiser would have to cooperate with Earth's native mages to ensure the survival of her people in a foreign environment. This pays off in the long run when one of her descendants--Arturia--creates a pocket dimension like the Garden of Time to serve as a refuge for persecuted mages. Much easier to just fade into the background than to wage war against entire nations more or less by yourself, after all.
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