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Old 2010-10-23, 13:37   Link #241
Tiresias
Labda Prakarsa Nirwikara
 
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Wow. I leave for a few days and the FFT goes to such wonderful and amazing new heights of discussion and literary creativity!

Oh. Wait. No. It's the other thing... what was it? I go away for a few days and the FFT goes absolutely nowhere at all.

Ah, well, let's see what we can do about that.

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Five:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
A Chaos Theory is fine too... Though I wish you'd put up some kind of advance notification. I've been refreshing the Nanoha Fanfics for the last few days for Infinity or Sette instead and almost missed this update...

Hmm, I wouldn't mind if a Tohsaka/Emiya alliance doesn't form for a while. Somebody else could be Shiro's miss exposition, Ilya perhaps? Or even Sakura, considering that you've promised some major role for her back at the prologue? Besides, having Rin being tsundere by herself is pretty amusing.

I wonder how Caster would react to (at least from observers) the Berserker/Saber tag team? Accelerate her mana gathering plan?

Also, I think your method of describing Berserkers thought process is good as it is. Hulk speak would be...well, to comedic I guess (I know that the Hulk is very(1000x) strong, but I just found it difficult to take him seriously)
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Old 2010-10-23, 13:55   Link #242
Moczo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
Loved it, though there were a few grammar/spelling mistakes here and there, and one line that I just outright couldn't understand. I should've marked the spot as I was reading it, because I can't find it again just by skimming it. But it didn't detract from the overall story, so it's not a huge deal.
Huh. Well, if you think of it let me know. Possibly I can explain it, or... well. I have, on occasion, been known to rewrite a scene and forget to take out everything that was in the old scene. So it's potentially possible that the sentence you're thinking of seems out of place because it genuinely shouldn't be there .

Quote:
I almost wish Lancer had been watching from the shadows somewhere, since his purpose is to "observe". Then we'd get awesome Lancer snark!
... Dammit, why did I not think of that?!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
A Chaos Theory is fine too... Though I wish you'd put up some kind of advance notification. I've been refreshing the Nanoha Fanfics for the last few days for Infinity or Sette instead and almost missed this update...
Heh, sorry... it wasn't exactly planned. I've had a weird couple of days, and when I started writing again, I just decided to go with what flowed, y'know? But I swear I'll get to work on those next! Infinity's next chapter is up to over 10,000 words and that's where I like to cut them off, so...

Quote:
Hmm, I wouldn't mind if a Tohsaka/Emiya alliance doesn't form for a while. Somebody else could be Shiro's miss exposition, Ilya perhaps? Or even Sakura, considering that you've promised some major role for her back at the prologue? Besides, having Rin being tsundere by herself is pretty amusing.

I wonder how Caster would react to (at least from observers) the Berserker/Saber tag team? Accelerate her mana gathering plan?
That would be telling

Quote:
Also, I think your method of describing Berserkers thought process is good as it is. Hulk speak would be...well, to comedic I guess (I know that the Hulk is very(1000x) strong, but I just found it difficult to take him seriously)
Thanks... I really just couldn't think of a better way to do it, y'know? Like, I wanted to get across he's not really thinking like a person, but... it's weird.

Last edited by Moczo; 2010-10-23 at 14:05.
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Old 2010-10-23, 13:56   Link #243
Haak
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
I'm glad I made Shirou dumb enough for you?

1) Well... he didn't outwit her. He saw her getting a jewel out because she basically forgot he was there. He overcame her by virtue of his own meaninglessness! I may have to take out the Rider thing though... sometimes I forget she actually hates his guts. For 'Master' and Servant, they actually don't interact that much.

2) I... yeah, I may have made the sections that were meant to be Berserker too eloquent? You probably have a point. I mean, it's not really him thinking it's me narrating the basic instincts that are going through his mind in a thoughtful way? Does this make sense? I'm not sure.

3) I'm operating under the assumption she is at least aware the worms around are part of his body, just by comparing Justicia's memories to her own senses. She's just also aware that he's very old and very smart, and that since he knows Berserker could shred him in seconds he wouldn't actually come to speak to her unless he had some method of escaping with his life. She doesn't know it's because killing him involves performing open-heart surgery on a girl several miles away, but she at least knows that attacking him here would be a waste of time.
Ah I see. That makes more sense.

Anyway, I'm glad it turned out that Tohsaka believes Shirou teamed with Ilya since that was what I predicted. Does this mean any possibility of a Shirou and Rin team up is impossible? Now that I think about it, that would really be a hard path to go. I mean Rin's alliance with Shirou is one of the constants in the Visual Novel. However, I am wishing at some point that someone or maybe Rin herself will realise that the thought of Shirou allying with someone else makes her jealous. XD
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Old 2010-10-23, 15:11   Link #244
Moczo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Haak View Post
Ah I see. That makes more sense.

Anyway, I'm glad it turned out that Tohsaka believes Shirou teamed with Ilya since that was what I predicted. Does this mean any possibility of a Shirou and Rin team up is impossible? Now that I think about it, that would really be a hard path to go. I mean Rin's alliance with Shirou is one of the constants in the Visual Novel. However, I am wishing at some point that someone or maybe Rin herself will realise that the thought of Shirou allying with someone else makes her jealous. XD
Glad I was able to explain to your satisfaction.

Yes... it was one of the thoughts I had when I was coming up with the sequence, and it ended up being the one I picked because I really did want to experiment a bit with Rin actually fighting the War on her own for awhile, see what she can come up with when her back is against the wall. She and Shirou are both genuinely good people who don't really want to kill each other, so the odds of eventual reconciliation are not great, but she's a little scared of him and her Servant just tried to kill him, so it will take some real work.


EDIT:

New chapter (and, of course, all previous ones) up on FF.net here.
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Old 2010-10-23, 15:15   Link #245
GlancingReverse
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You could probably stand to make that line about Ilya sparing Archer in his war a bit clearer. I had to read that three times before I got that. I mean, it makes sense now, but you have to think about it to get it.
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Old 2010-10-23, 15:26   Link #246
Ricky Controversy
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Okay, so, I decided after all was said and done that the scenes I wrote made more sense as part of the Prologue, which is now finalized. A prologue should serve at least one of two purposes: to portend something forthcoming, or to set things moving in the direction they need to be to start the actual story itself. I feel like this version does that now. Read past the first part if you want, it hasn't been edited yet.

Spoiler:
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Old 2010-10-23, 17:37   Link #247
Moczo
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I just had to mention this. Check out this review for the latest chapter on FF.net:

Quote:
Strange I am suprised to see Zouken this early.
That's the whole review. And it kind of struck me, considering:

1) This is not the first appearance Zouken has made. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the third.

2) Zouken made appearances before this point in HF too.

I love fanfiction.net, don't you?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
Okay, so, I decided after all was said and done that the scenes I wrote made more sense as part of the Prologue, which is now finalized. A prologue should serve at least one of two purposes: to portend something forthcoming, or to set things moving in the direction they need to be to start the actual story itself. I feel like this version does that now. Read past the first part if you want, it hasn't been edited yet.

Spoiler:
Like I said over AIM, a good addition. The new scenes make the prologue a better set-up to the story overall by getting Rin involved and setting the stage for the coming Grail War. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.

You know, assuming you don't just... keep adding to the prologue forever
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Old 2010-10-23, 18:41   Link #248
GDB
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Huh. Well, if you think of it let me know. Possibly I can explain it, or... well. I have, on occasion, been known to rewrite a scene and forget to take out everything that was in the old scene. So it's potentially possible that the sentence you're thinking of seems out of place because it genuinely shouldn't be there .
If I recall, it was more that the sentence itself didn't make sense. As if you had started a sentence, came up with another idea, and then forgot to delete what you had started to write for that sentence.

Quote:
... Dammit, why did I not think of that?!
Could still be done in an upcoming chapter, as part of an interlude or Lancer giving his report or whatever.
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Old 2010-10-23, 20:02   Link #249
LostHanyou
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Bahsahkah so good.

I think your writing on him was fine. The Berserker intermission in UBW (you know the one) had his thoughts portrayed intelligently, even if he didn't think on that level.

I kinda feel like Rin is out of character...
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Old 2010-10-23, 22:47   Link #250
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Wow. I leave for a few days and the FFT goes to such wonderful and amazing new heights of discussion and literary creativity!

Oh. Wait. No. It's the other thing... what was it? I go away for a few days and the FFT goes absolutely nowhere at all.

Ah, well, let's see what we can do about that.

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Five:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
....

All I can really say is, for some reason, I am deeply amused by the image of Berserker gently picking Shirou up and setting him off to the side. It made me giggle.
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Old 2010-10-23, 22:54   Link #251
Moczo
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
....

All I can really say is, for some reason, I am deeply amused by the image of Berserker gently picking Shirou up and setting him off to the side. It made me giggle.
That's what I'm here for.
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Old 2010-10-23, 23:11   Link #252
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
Okay, so, I decided after all was said and done that the scenes I wrote made more sense as part of the Prologue, which is now finalized. A prologue should serve at least one of two purposes: to portend something forthcoming, or to set things moving in the direction they need to be to start the actual story itself. I feel like this version does that now. Read past the first part if you want, it hasn't been edited yet.

Spoiler:
Oh, Rin. Even after so many years, deep down, you just never, ever change.
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Old 2010-10-24, 00:08   Link #253
Argent Solbright
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Wow. I leave for a few days and the FFT goes to such wonderful and amazing new heights of discussion and literary creativity!

Oh. Wait. No. It's the other thing... what was it? I go away for a few days and the FFT goes absolutely nowhere at all.

Ah, well, let's see what we can do about that.

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Five:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
I love the situation right now. Somehow I'm always thrilled to see a semingly weak character suddenly gain overwhelming advantage Especially, since its Rin doing the commentary.
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Old 2010-10-24, 00:35   Link #254
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So, um, just a general question for the FFT: in general, how important was the whole Kotomine/Shirou fist fight near the end of HF? I ask because currently, as Rain is shaping up, I might be in a situation where I need to cut it completely, or change it so it goes down differently from how it goes in canon. I ask because I have some ideas, but I'm still kind of nervous about it.
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Old 2010-10-24, 00:40   Link #255
Moczo
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Well... I'd say it depends on Shirou. Rain is a Sakura/Rin story, and Kotomine was important because he was a perfect opposite to Shirou. So I'd say it's cut-able unless you're going to be focused extensively on Shirou's development too, alongside the main plotline. And even then, it depends on how close you want his development to be to what it was in HF, I guess.
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Old 2010-10-24, 00:47   Link #256
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Well... I'd say it depends on Shirou. Rain is a Sakura/Rin story, and Kotomine was important because he was a perfect opposite to Shirou. So I'd say it's cut-able unless you're going to be focused extensively on Shirou's development too, alongside the main plotline. And even then, it depends on how close you want his development to be to what it was in HF, I guess.
Well, part of the problem I'm facing is that Rain is largely a Rin-centric story, with a lot of focus on her own struggles and ideals as she tries to come to terms with what she wants as opposed as to what she feels she has to do. So while Shirou definitely gets some development, it's not quite true to the original focus he had in HF, because Rain is more a story focused on Rin's problems and demons, and less on Shirou's, though he has his own set of issues to deal with. Which is part of why I'm hesitant about the whole thing; I plan to have Rin and Kotomine interact a bit in Rain, but I don't know how much it would change compared to the relationship they have in Fate or UBW.
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Old 2010-10-24, 08:27   Link #257
Altima of the Gates
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Well, part of the problem I'm facing is that Rain is largely a Rin-centric story, with a lot of focus on her own struggles and ideals as she tries to come to terms with what she wants as opposed as to what she feels she has to do. So while Shirou definitely gets some development, it's not quite true to the original focus he had in HF, because Rain is more a story focused on Rin's problems and demons, and less on Shirou's, though he has his own set of issues to deal with. Which is part of why I'm hesitant about the whole thing; I plan to have Rin and Kotomine interact a bit in Rain, but I don't know how much it would change compared to the relationship they have in Fate or UBW.
Well mostly I would think it would give him more chances to troll Rin. Her hard, tower-like defense is crumbling, so if she did go to see him, he'd be reaching his hands deep in those crevices of weakness and trying to uproot her. This would be just one more part of her trails to overcome her demons as you've said. Plus you've got a wealth of things Kotomine is hiding from her; her father's killer, how her mother went insane, how he pulled the strings to unhinge her 'uncle' Kariya, I even think he knew what happened with Sakura in the 4th War(I might be wrong, I need to read over Fate/zero again). So much stuff, she's a troll's paradise.
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Old 2010-10-24, 08:44   Link #258
Tiresias
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Erm, right. Moczo, I forgot to mention this tiny, insignificant, plot-irrelevant detail: Hercules was a roman name, his name was Heracles. normally this wouldn't matter much, but the name Hercules had brought back horrifying flashbacks of 1)Kevin Sorbo's misadventures, and 2)Disney's bastardization of the story.
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Old 2010-10-24, 09:20   Link #259
Argent Solbright
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Erm, right. Moczo, I forgot to mention this tiny, insignificant, plot-irrelevant detail: Hercules was a roman name, his name was Heracles. normally this wouldn't matter much, but the name Hercules had brought back horrifying flashbacks of 1)Kevin Sorbo's misadventures, and 2)Disney's bastardization of the story.
I like those two adaptations Until now I always use 'Hercules' in my mind to refer to that character.
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Old 2010-10-24, 09:21   Link #260
Ricky Controversy
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