AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2009-04-20, 16:44   Link #1
HayashiTakara
Chicken or Beef?
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Seattle
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to HayashiTakara
To Other Adults of Animesuki, Why do you think friendship...

No longer holds as we grow older? I have had friends I grew up with, thinking that we'll always be best buds forever, but as we all became adults, we just became someone you say hi to every now and then. And those nowadays that you somewhat consider friends are your neighbors (maybe) and coworkers, who you only talk to while at work.

Is it because we no longer value friendship? It becomes something that is more of a nuisance? Are there just more important things in life? Or we simply have no time for it?

Whats your take on it? As for me... I really don't know, it just seem to happens naturally.
__________________
HayashiTakara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 17:50   Link #2
Mystique
Honyaku no Hime
*Fansubber
 
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
Quote:
Originally Posted by HayashiTakara View Post
No longer holds as we grow older? I have had friends I grew up with, thinking that we'll always be best buds forever, but as we all became adults, we just became someone you say hi to every now and then. And those nowadays that you somewhat consider friends are your neighbors (maybe) and coworkers, who you only talk to while at work.

Is it because we no longer value friendship? It becomes something that is more of a nuisance? Are there just more important things in life? Or we simply have no time for it?

Whats your take on it? As for me... I really don't know, it just seem to happens naturally.
From kids to uni students (those who are fortunate to not have to work to pay rent or food while they study) = Responsibilities of passing classes, engaging in hobbies and hanging out with friends.

Post graduation = it becomes a "welcome to the real world" situation.
Full time job, if living alone then bills to pay, typically loans to repay back, may be in a relationship so dedicating time and energy for that.
When everyone steps into that kinda stage in life, it simply becomes too difficult to devote the time to either travel to see all your childhood friends, or even to say 'hi'.

Responsibilities increase as you get older. Dealing with them all effectively and responsibly = being an adult.

For me, I have the one childhood friend, known her for 11 years. The friendship grows and evolves as we've grown and evolve, but it isn't without some serious rough patches.
The lasting friendships are those that are adaptable, even if you can't see each other for 3-4 months, when you catch up, the trust and deep communication is still there.
More than often for me (friends online and off) for those I no longer see, I either keep tabs on them all via Facebook, since they're spread all around the world, or if we get a chance to meet and sit down, then we spend some hours catching up, be it 3 months or 2 years since we last kept in contact.

If you became friends in the first place, then there had to be something between you that worked for the relationship to evolve to more than just acquaintances.
For me, time doesn't erode friendships away too much for those who are fairly close to me. When a person begins to shut you out from their life and not tell you things or talk to you as much as you once were able to do, then people begin to drift apart.
Just like a bf/gf relationship, communication is the vital key.

That be my two pence there.
__________________

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. - Van Wilder
"If you ain't laughin', you ain't livin'." - Carlos Mencia
Mystique is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 17:57   Link #3
holyalexander
holy alexander
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: vancouver
friendship comes and goes..
but for me.. i have some best buds up until now since grade school...
though we're apart we always keep the line of communication active..
we even make a business on that friendship..

i guess its different for every people..
__________________
ANIME FIGHT!! XD
holyalexander is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 18:23   Link #4
LeoXiao
提倡自我工業化
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Vereinigte Staaten
Age: 22
I'm not an adult yet, but in the last few years many of the people I used to hang out with and be really close to have simply changed. After fifth grade I really only had two comrades left with me, and by now, one of them is only friends with me "on paper"(we still talk a little, but i don't spend a lot of time with him and we're not very close anymore). To further our separation, he went to Germany as an exchange student. So now I only have one actual friend left, and I'm not sure how long he'll "last." I still talk with him a great deal but our ways of thinking and worldviews, not to mention our educational situations, are changing.
I think that there are many factors that determine if friends will fade away or not, and since they are quite complex, it is better to examine them on a case-to-case basis before coming up with generalization, something which I'm not prepared to do.
LeoXiao is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 18:42   Link #5
Daniel E.
AniMexican!
*Moderator
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Monterrey N.L. Mexico
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
The lasting friendships are those that are adaptable, even if you can't see each other for 3-4 months, when you catch up, the trust and deep communication is still there.
This!

We may no longer play NES games for 7 hours straight as we used to, but damn, it's still a blast to see the old gang again whenever we agree to gather at someone's house.

A +20 year old friendship that still manages to stay afloat regardless of how little we see of one another every year.
__________________
Daniel E. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 19:17   Link #6
GuidoHunter_Toki
Wiggle Your Big Toe
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Milwaukee
Age: 24
I think it has something to do with that seperation that can happen right after High School when people go there seperate ways to fulfill their dreams. Some going to Colleges far out of reach and making new types of friends there. I ones younger years when in school its much easier to make friends because you're around them seemingly all day every day. When some people get older they lack that feeling of growing with people, as they did in school. Here is a quote I heard from someone, "Me and my friends from high school made each other who we are. Adults are already who they are, so it's harder to make that same connection".

I also seem to find that when people get older you become more jaded of how society is. Trusting people is difficult, people become more selective in friends and they learn to keep things to themselves. However this is not the case with some as it is with others.

As Mystique said lasting friendships are those with adaptability and thats what me and a few of my friends have, which is why most of us have been friends since grade school. College doesn't keep us away from eahc other, granted some of them are going to local colleges. Our friendships are just as strong as they were many years ago and I'm lucky to have such friends.
__________________
GuidoHunter_Toki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 19:33   Link #7
HayashiTakara
Chicken or Beef?
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Seattle
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to HayashiTakara
I had many friends as a kid that I had trusted my livelihood with. We ran from cops together, got each others backs when a fight situation got bad, always dropping whatever we're doing for one another. But time just somehow caused us to drift apart. I guess it doesn't help that I was the one that moved over 3000 miles away. But we are still able to catch up and spend time together on the off time I do have to go back and visit my old hometown.

So in ways, they are still my best of friends. But, I do miss having those friends around to bullshit with. Grown-up life sucks... at least my fiance is a childhood friend so thats something.
__________________
HayashiTakara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 19:39   Link #8
Nosauz
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Age: 25
eh i'll just say having your mom try to push their childhood friends children as possible fiances makes for a stressful situation, I don;t know but I have a feeling that my parents friendshisp are somehow deeper more meaningful than mine, maybe it was just the times, and the hardships they all endured, because even though my friends and I have fought the man, and banded together, I still feel that my parents generation seemed to have something differnt, just my 2 cents
Nosauz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 19:45   Link #9
GuidoHunter_Toki
Wiggle Your Big Toe
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Milwaukee
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by HayashiTakara View Post
Grown-up life sucks... at least my fiance is a childhood friend so thats something.
Adulthood can be fun, but with the added freedoms of adulthood comes more responsibilities but at that age you should be able to handle them. I know adults who still have plenty of fun. If you decide to get married and start a family life can become dull at times but you do have a family and maybe a child if you decide to have one. Heck, one time I heard someone say they'd rather pay bills than endure another hour of high school.

Adulthood has it's good and bad points. There are the days when one you'd just like to blow off all responsibilities and just have fun. The thing to remember is life is a mix of responsibilities and fun, no matter what age.
__________________
GuidoHunter_Toki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 19:50   Link #10
HayashiTakara
Chicken or Beef?
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Seattle
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to HayashiTakara
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuidoHunter_Toki View Post
Adulthood can be fun, but with the added freedoms of adulthood comes more responsibilities but at that age you should be able to handle them. I know adults who still have plenty of fun. If you decide to get married and start a family life can become dull at times but you do have a family and maybe a child if you decide to have one. Heck, one time I heard someone say they'd rather pay bills than endure another hour of high school.

Adulthood has it's good and bad points. There are the days when one you'd just like to blow off all responsibilities and just have fun. The thing to remember is life is a mix of responsibilities and fun, no matter what age.
Trust me... when you get to around my age, whats considered fun changes. When I was at the 18 ~ 21 range, partying it up was considered fun, now I see it as stupid, pointless and a strong lack of discipline.

I find my enjoyment when I can relax and not deal with people. I deal with people on a constant basis with my career so it starts to grate on me after so long, especially when you realize how little common sense people actually have.

Just pull me up a comfy seat with my girl snuggled next to me, and I'm a happy man, I don't anything else.
__________________
HayashiTakara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 20:04   Link #11
GuidoHunter_Toki
Wiggle Your Big Toe
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Milwaukee
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by HayashiTakara View Post
Trust me... when you get to around my age, whats considered fun changes. When I was at the 18 ~ 21 range, partying it up was considered fun, now I see it as stupid, pointless and a strong lack of discipline.

I find my enjoyment when I can relax and not deal with people. I deal with people on a constant basis with my career so it starts to grate on me after so long, especially when you realize how little common sense people actually have.

Just pull me up a comfy seat with my girl snuggled next to me, and I'm a happy man, I don't anything else.
Well I didn't mean it in a way as the same thing you considered fun as a kid will be what you consider fun when your older. Friends are not the only thing that change over time, sometimes its Interests as well. I talk with my Uncle and cousin a lot who are 48 and 32 respectively and actually hangout with him quite often whenever the chance arise. They have got to be one of the more happy set of people I've seen. They are always finding ways to enjoy themselves and it helps that they have jobs that they enjoy. That can defenitely help with stress in adulthood, but of course not everyone gets a job they would like or enjoy and thats a harsh reality. However there are still those people who rise above that and still find ways to enjoy themselves even if it appears like seemingly nothing to someone else.

For that I'll bring up a story of mine thats always been cherished by me. About a year ago I met a man fishing at the lake near where I live while I was out fishing myself. I could tell he was homeless by the way he appeared and I can't quite remember how a conversation sparked, but it did. He talked about how he would go to a Pick'n Save store everyday and do meanial tasks for pay. It wasn't much, but it was enough for him to buy food for himself. He went on talking with me and I couldn't help but notice he was smiling throughout our conversation. I thought it was due to me giving him some company and then he told me that fishing always made him smile. He said it was about the only thing at this point in his life that he considered fun and he was fine with that at the moment. He said he couldn't help but feel happy when fishing. I found this very powerful and his words I've always kept with me since then.

I know that things can't always and wont always work out to someones wishes or favor. However I still feel amazed at the people in the world that can get enjoyment out of life from seemingly nothing, while others who have so much more can feel bored and depressed. I guess I should cut down now before I ramble too much, but I just felt like sharing that story.
__________________
GuidoHunter_Toki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 20:24   Link #12
Slice of Life
eyewitness
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Relationships typically don't last forever, so why should friendships, They just end less dramatically.

It's is also not surprising that you grow apart from your childhood friends during the years of growing up. Why expecting to keep the same circle of friends? After all you aren't the same anymore. But once you're a bit older your friendships will become more stable because you will be more stable.

I don't overrate the meaning of friendship as I might have done at age 16, maybe. At that point I thought of my friends as people who would jump after you into the shark pool. But at one point you begin to realize that the probability to fall into the shark pool is very low anyway. And that when the shit hits the van it will hit the van in a way that your friends can't do much and it's the doctors or insurance companies you'll need instead. So you stop making such romantic exaggerations.

But I don't underrate the meaning either. Neighbors and coworkers are first of all exactly that. I use the term "friends" more carefully than that. Friends are people I meet willingly in my free time, at home, in a pub or restaurant to talk about stuff of just enjoy each other's presence. Good friends are people I can call at 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning, 6 hours before they would have risen, and tell them that I urgently need their assistance and I know they will come no questions asked. Nothing more, nothing less. I've never run out of such people.
__________________
- Any ideas how to fill this space?
Slice of Life is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 20:29   Link #13
Nosauz
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Age: 25
well don't we generally find our neighbors our friends? This is really engrained us especially as we grow up because we naturally associate with those that are close and connvenient, why does that change? I can say that I'm pretty friendly with my neighbor and I know that if I asked he would do those things you've mentioned your friends would do. I guess either I'm lucky, or its just those lines are less defined then you make them out to be.
Nosauz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 20:51   Link #14
Slice of Life
eyewitness
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Maybe you live in a less anonymous community then and with a suspiciously low number of people just looking for a useful idiot. More power to you then. My neighbor would probably want to know if I can't fix the problem alone whatever it is, if it really can't wait a few hours, why I'm asking him to fix it of all people, why can't pay anybody for fixing it and so on. And he will tell me that for exactly this Sunday he had promised his wife blah, blah. He probably wouldn't let me standing in the rain if I can answer all his questions convincingly but neither would complete strangers, I think, if they see I'm really in a pinch. It's just that a friend won't ask all those questions in the first place because he'll trust me enough to assume that I've already thought the situation through from his POV too, so to say.

And why should my neighbors be my friends? The wonderful thing about friends is that you can choose them. You also wouldn't marry a girl just because she lives next door, would you.
__________________
- Any ideas how to fill this space?
Slice of Life is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 22:01   Link #15
DingoEnderZOE2
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ohayo
Send a message via AIM to DingoEnderZOE2
As you grow older it becomes easier and easier to cut all ties with all your old friends, however Friendships can still hold together as long as both parties are willing to keep the bond strong.

However like the first post said, as you get older and you get more responsibilities that you HAVE to tend to your free time can drop drastically thus causing you to not have much time to socialize with old friends.

But on the bright side though, during the occasions you do get free time to yourself, and you AND your old friends have time to socialize it feels that more special. I guess this way you learn to fully appreciate the time you have to yourself that much more....
__________________
Anime in progress and enjoying: Persona 4 the golden
Animes on Hold:None
Animes completed:I wanna be the strongest in the world,Super Sonico The Animation, Hajime no Ippo:Rising, Wake up girls,Mangaka-san to Assistant-san to The Animation
Anime evaluating:None
Manga in progress:None at the moment
DingoEnderZOE2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 22:22   Link #16
Nosauz
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slice of Life View Post
Maybe you live in a less anonymous community then and with a suspiciously low number of people just looking for a useful idiot. More power to you then. My neighbor would probably want to know if I can't fix the problem alone whatever it is, if it really can't wait a few hours, why I'm asking him to fix it of all people, why can't pay anybody for fixing it and so on. And he will tell me that for exactly this Sunday he had promised his wife blah, blah. He probably wouldn't let me standing in the rain if I can answer all his questions convincingly but neither would complete strangers, I think, if they see I'm really in a pinch. It's just that a friend won't ask all those questions in the first place because he'll trust me enough to assume that I've already thought the situation through from his POV too, so to say.

And why should my neighbors be my friends? The wonderful thing about friends is that you can choose them. You also wouldn't marry a girl just because she lives next door, would you.
That sucks, the reason why I think i've been lucky with my neighbors is because I've lived in many "asian" communities or asian dominated communities and everybody has lived the life of first generation immigrants so we all share the hardships that everybody has gone through, and with asians people you can relate to are great, I mean my nieghbors buy my groceries through a co op, and this wasn't even something that I had to ask to be a part of, they came to my door and offered. Too bad we cant all have great neighbors huh? It really is a shame how we have forgotten words of wisdom like love thy neighbor.
Nosauz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 22:33   Link #17
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
I have friends I've known for 40 out of 51 years so the premise of the OP that inevitably "friendship no longer holds" with time is faulty - it implies such failure is a given. It *can* fade and often for very good reasons - but it depends on dozens of factors. Do you have common interests/hobbies? Do they remind you of a less spectacular time in your life? Are they reliable and dependable?

My oldest friend and I literally have nothing in common anymore than our long years of knowing each other (since the 4th grade) and our shared sense of humor. But he was the best man at my wedding and has saved my ass once or twice and I have saved his. He has been a fair uncle-at-a-distance to my offspring as well. We try to get together at least once a year just to hang out.

One thing I also have is multiple circles of friends with whom I have partially-overlapping interests or whom I worked with at different points in my career. I have friends from my time at NASA, from Air Force projects, and friends from my "web bubble" period. I have friends I game with and interestingly... friends who were friends of my sons whom I now consider friends.

The "neighbor" thing is, I think, a mostly suburban America problem that comes from the unnecessary degree of white-collar migrant workerdom (euphemistically called "mobility") coupled with the onslaught of in-house passive entertainment (aka boob toob). So far, no matter where I've lived - we managed to make friends with at least a few people who lived near us - to the point of watching out for them, watching their houses when they were away, etc. But it takes work and its clear why in Japanese anime -- moving away is considered a deathknell to relationships.

Last edited by Vexx; 2009-04-20 at 23:08.
Vexx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 22:44   Link #18
HayashiTakara
Chicken or Beef?
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Seattle
Age: 32
Send a message via AIM to HayashiTakara
Well you can't be friends if you don't share something in common right? otherwise its nothing but an acquaintance.

We grew up in the same projects, went through the hardships together, through thick and thin we were together. Even though we still consider each other as friends despite the distance and lack of proper socialization. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like they exist due to these reasons. Really the only person I socialize with are my Fiance and occasionally her friends.
__________________
HayashiTakara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 23:02   Link #19
Shadow Kira01
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: PMB Headquarters
Friendship is something of value. Supposedly, true friends are the ones who mutually care about each other, especially during hard times. However, these type of friends are rather rare. Usually, friends are generally the people you hang out with. Of course, considering that most people have work or study, chances of actually hanging out wouldn't be possible unless on special occasions. Thus, people you greet once in awhile are your friends but at the same time, greeting people is just a manner of politeness which you do with almost anybody you come across and thus, Hayashi-san may feel uncertainty.

Just because that most people places their career above all else doesn't mean that friendship is no longer important and neither does it mean that it is a nuisance. Hayashi-san, just don't think too much about it or too deep, the uncertainty will eventually go away..
__________________
Shadow Kira01 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-04-20, 23:38   Link #20
Throne Invader
Protecting the Throne
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Asia Tour
Age: 22
Send a message via Skype™ to Throne Invader
I guess people are like that. One of you has got to do something to bring back the "old times". Well, not exactly what you guys used to do but something that could bring the spark back into the relationship. I'm not an adult yet, I think. But both of you are probably busy and have other commitments to attend to When you lose contact with someone for a very very long time, whether or not you know it, the bond won't be as strong as before.
__________________


It's time to start letting her make her own decisions. - Mom's dermatologist~
Throne Invader is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:22.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
We use Silk.