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Old 2009-05-14, 03:58   Link #41
Urzu 7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJLowrider View Post

To hell with this notion that friendship can't/doesn't persist into adulthood.
I wouldn't say it doesn't persist into adult hood at all, just that for most adults, childhood/adolescent friendships fizzle when they are an established adult.
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Old 2009-05-14, 20:15   Link #42
Issac
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Usually your closest friends stick around as you grow older. Groups of people that you just hang out with in high school won't always be around, and that isn't so hard to accept because usually you don't have a very strong attachment to them.

I don't have much experience to play upon, as I'm only 21. But I guess I could say I'm in that interim right now. My closest friend is in Michigan right now and we still keep a strong contact. Every time we call each other we have a million things to say. We've even been taunted for this, being called girlfriends and such. Last year I visited him for a week and we got wasted and played counterstrike in a LAN like every day. And that was the first time I saw him for like 2 years.

But it made me think. While I was up there, I realized that our friendship was as strong as ever. Even though we have some very major moral differences and interests, we get along so well and look out from each other. Even at a distance. So I can't really say that I have drifted apart because we still have that bond. When it gets to the point where it's brotherly, you'll never really lose it except under extreme circumstances.

Granted, there were a few friends that I had to leave behind, but mostly because mutually, we didn't value each other all that much. It was more of a, "Hey, we have nothing else to do," sorta thing. To be honest, I don't really hang out with anyone that I don't consider a really close friend anymore. I have to value their time enough to let them value mine. I suppose it's this way with most people.

Anyway, sorry if I regurgitated the same opinions of others in this thread, but that's my honest heartfelt view. I love my close friends more than I love my Core i7 computer.
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Old 2009-05-14, 22:49   Link #43
cheyannew
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Erm, I've some friends I have been friends with for... uh... almost 20 years now...

My husband's best friend in middle school is STILL his best friend and they're both nearing 40...


Mayhaps it's because our definition of FRIEND is different than many... Many people confuse friend with acquaintances...

Most of my actual friends are folks who remain so for years, or a decade or more...


I have other acquaintances, but I wouldn't give them a place to live, or drop everything to help them, they're just people I hang out with and talk to every now and again (some every day, but still).

My friends are like family to me.
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Old 2009-05-14, 23:07   Link #44
Silver Dragon
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It's mainly because as we grow older we develop more into who we'll be for a long time. Your interests change, your personality changes, your likes/dislikes change, and these may not always match your old friends well as they grow. No one is really to blame except for good ol' life.
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Old 2009-05-15, 17:47   Link #45
-HyugaNeji-
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In my oppinion the term FRIEND is used inflationary in these times and days. Are all your facebook or youtube friends really friends? Most of the time, people collect lists of "friends" but in reality they don't even talk to 10% of them. (max) Nowadays, you may call someone a friend who's just a schoolmate and where you already know that you might never see him/her again after school. That's no real friend to me.

For ME, friendship is something very special and for me it's not about the quantity of friends but about the quality.

I know my BEST friend for 22 years now. And i'm only 28! And i'm very glad for it. It add's some kind of security to your life. Something that lasts forever. That doesn't change in this hectic and fast paced time we live in. I know that we'll still be friends in 50 years. That's how deep the friendship is. And i'd rather have ONE friendship like this, instead of 100's that come and go like the wind. And well..On top of that i have still alot of other friends i know for some time and love to hang out with. But i'm glad i have ONE person i really can call my very best friend. Because i already know. In 10 years, not everyone i call friend today, will be in that list anymore. That's how ppl go seperate ways.
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Old 2009-05-15, 18:53   Link #46
Vexx
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Glad to see more than a few posters can tell the difference between a *friend* and *some people I see around a lot*
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Old 2009-05-15, 19:01   Link #47
Narona
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Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
Glad to see more than a few posters can tell the difference between a *friend* and *some people I see around a lot*
It doesn't help that in our society people tend to call *friend* a lot of persons that are not necessarily close to you. It lost its true sense imo. We use it way too often.

Example: when a person that you know from your school makes a phone call at your house. Your mother or father will eventually be the one to take it. She/he will then calls you and eventually says "A *friend* of yours from school is on the phone!" But they only assume that it is a "friend of yours".

Even on internet. Many websites are using the term "friends". Example on AS: "the Friends list". I don't really blame it. But it can be confusing at times when you think about what a real friend is.
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Old 2009-05-17, 12:03   Link #48
cheyannew
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Narona View Post
It doesn't help that in our society people tend to call *friend* a lot of persons that are not necessarily close to you. It lost its true sense imo. We use it way too often.

Example: when a person that you know from your school makes a phone call at your house. Your mother or father will eventually be the one to take it. She/he will then calls you and eventually says "A *friend* of yours from school is on the phone!" But they only assume that it is a "friend of yours".

Even on internet. Many websites are using the term "friends". Example on AS: "the Friends list". I don't really blame it. But it can be confusing at times when you think about what a real friend is.
I actually have had to drill into my kids' heads that they are not school FRIENDS unless they see them OUTSIDE of school regularly; they're a "classmate" until they shift to friend. And to shift to friend, they have to not only hang out w/ them after school, but I have to have met their parental unit(s). Then and only then are phone numbers exchanged. I am not grand central station, not an operator or secretary; until they pay for their own phone line, they are NOT handing out the phone # to every kid in their class, and they know it.

Granted it took a few years to drill into their noggins the difference, but I suspect they shall benefit from it.

In all honesty, I suspect it is in part because young people nowadays long for acceptance SO badly, that they become "friend collectors"; they are the people on MySpace and FaceBook with a thousand "friends", 98% of whom they have never and will never meet. But it makes them feel as if they are popular and wanted. As sad as it sounds, I see it all too often. I have a whopping 132 friends on FaceBook, and they are people I have worked with (AND hung out with outside of work, else they are not even acquaintances, they are coworkers), family by marriage (I refuse to give my blood relatives the time of day), or actual real friends. One or two are acquaintances due to friend of a friend type thing, but they are people I have met in person/talk to regularly. I don't need to win any popularity contests; those whom I choose to let into my "circle of friends", are indeed a select few and should be glad of it.
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Old 2009-05-17, 14:51   Link #49
itisjustme
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If that's your definition it's fine, but I'd like to stress out that not everyone is the same.

Wanting acceptance isn't anything new or bad, nor is the need to feel popular or wanted. There's no right or wrong emotional needs; simply, different people have different ones (or so psychology tells us).

You strike me as a prideful individual most at ease in small gatherings. It's cool (I have no facebook and about 5 persons on my msn outside of work purposes myself) but it doesn't mean you're going the "right" way about it. I know some people who are really ill at ease with almost anyone bare a handful few as soon as it gets into more personal and intimate territory. Heck they need frequent breaks even from their other half. Other people though are most at ease and energic in crowds, and may get restless if alone for a few hours.

Not that I'm telling you how to raise your kids, but I'm sure even without such strict input they'd come to develop their own sense of degrees in time, and differentiate between intimate friends and occasional ones or plain superficial acquaintances.
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Old 2009-05-17, 15:19   Link #50
cheyannew
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Pfft; obviously, I was not implying that everyone is the same, hence the words "I suspect", thus implying it is my own opinion.
FWIW, I am required to be around and interact with large #s of people, as the marketing director of a radio show, and formerly an employee of Electronic Arts, I was at conventions and so on a lot, and I do enjoy it, as I am a social butterfly. I adore my husband, but he is quite the opposite, and does not venture out of the house much, save for work. I however, MUST interact with people regularly or I would go batty. But again, those people are not friends.

My way of life is not right for most people. But it is for me, and that is all that matters (to me). As my children (and I suspect you have none, so advice from non parents always makes me chuckle) are old enough to know mostly who they are and so on, when they are responsible for their own transportation, phone fees, etc, they can call whoever they want friends; whilst I am footing the bill and gas, though, there will be that definition, as I am not going to drive them all over town to visit people they barely know whose parents I do not know.

Also, judging by older children of friends/acquaintances, and so on, this generation (again, not everyone, thankfully), has little to no sense of self, and feel they are defined by their friends lists. THAT is what I was making my statements based on. I find it unfortunate that society seems to be leaning towards this mentality, instead of promoting self-worth.
While you may feel wanting acceptance is not a bad thing, think of it this way: if one is confident in their own self-worth, it will matter little to them if they are accepted, to a degree. Therefore, they will face far less... unhappiness... in the face of rejection. Rather than spend their time trying to be accepted (and teens/young adults oft make poor choices to try to fit in, gods know I did), they can focus their time and energy on furthering themselves and letting those who accept them for who they ALREADY are into their circle, instead of saying "I have a thousand friends on facebook, I'm loved". This points to a serious lack of self-esteem/worth, to me, and I fear it's becoming more commonplace as time goes on.

Do bear in mind, though, I tend to psychoanalyze things; it's what I do, and part of my Phd courses will actually be focusing on young adults/teens, so I've poked around a good chunk on things like this, children's self-image today, and so on.
Pardon the long windedness, I do tend to ramble...
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Old 2009-05-17, 17:01   Link #51
itisjustme
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I wasn't disagreeing that some selfworth is healthy. Just that in practice a chunk of the population lacks it (just like another chunk got too much of it..) for whatever reason and seeking it in the eyes of others is a natural compensation (defense?) mechanism. It's hardly worse than realising your selfworth in your online performances at Counterstrike (I've met such a case). My opinion is that it's not a new or amplifying phenomenom and modern communication technologies only exarcerbate the symptoms rather than create (much of) the underlying issues.

Also FYI I have some experience at raising kids; I also remember my days as one. But when I said I wasn't telling you how to raise yours I meant exactly that. To be blunt (but not offensive) I hardly care about just some random internet stranger's children. =P

Anyway this is getting bit off topic so stopping here, I tend to get pulled in too easily over internet arguments for some reason.

Last edited by itisjustme; 2009-05-17 at 17:12.
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Old 2009-05-18, 08:41   Link #52
NuNu
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I am not in contact with any of my firends from way back. I don't have a good explanation as to why though....it sort of just happened.
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Old 2009-05-18, 08:48   Link #53
Raa
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IMO adults don't value friendship. It's normal though that a family takes friends' place, but it's a pity...
Friendship is most beautiful relations between humans. I really think so. More beautiful than love
When I was teenager I had many close friends and I loved that, my mother told me "it won't last, believe me" and she was right. Although I tried to keep contact with people, but some are too far away, other don't have time (work+family).
So if friendship works for years, we really should treasure it, because it's so hard to obtain and more importantly to maintain.
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Old 2009-05-18, 10:53   Link #54
Narona
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
I actually have had to drill into my kids' heads that they are not school FRIENDS unless they see them OUTSIDE of school regularly; they're a "classmate" until they shift to friend. And to shift to friend, they have to not only hang out w/ them after school, but I have to have met their parental unit(s). Then and only then are phone numbers exchanged. I am not grand central station, not an operator or secretary; until they pay for their own phone line, they are NOT handing out the phone # to every kid in their class, and they know it.

Granted it took a few years to drill into their noggins the difference, but I suspect they shall benefit from it.

In all honesty, I suspect it is in part because young people nowadays long for acceptance SO badly, that they become "friend collectors"; they are the people on MySpace and FaceBook with a thousand "friends", 98% of whom they have never and will never meet. But it makes them feel as if they are popular and wanted. As sad as it sounds, I see it all too often. I have a whopping 132 friends on FaceBook, and they are people I have worked with (AND hung out with outside of work, else they are not even acquaintances, they are coworkers), family by marriage (I refuse to give my blood relatives the time of day), or actual real friends. One or two are acquaintances due to friend of a friend type thing, but they are people I have met in person/talk to regularly. I don't need to win any popularity contests; those whom I choose to let into my "circle of friends", are indeed a select few and should be glad of it.
As for me, a true friend is somebody you know very well, that you know you can trust, that shows respect towards you (and of course I do the same), that you care for. Etc. Something that happened rarely in my life so far. That's why I always say that I don't have a lot of friends, because I talk about these people, and not about some other people I might see often but with who I am not that closer.

As for Facebook, Myspace and all of those things, I don't really have an opinion since I learned their existence not so long ago (I got internet really, really late in comparison to most people of my age).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raa View Post
IMO adults don't value friendship. It's normal though that a family takes friends' place, but it's a pity...
Friendship is most beautiful relations between humans. I really think so. More beautiful than love
When I was teenager I had many close friends and I loved that, my mother told me "it won't last, believe me" and she was right. Although I tried to keep contact with people, but some are too far away, other don't have time (work+family).
So if friendship works for years, we really should treasure it, because it's so hard to obtain and more importantly to maintain.
Not that I want to start a debate, but can you explain how friendship is more beautiful than love (given that you're talking about Romantic Love, of course) ?

There are also different forms of love other than romantic. One could say you love those people, as a friend.
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Old 2009-05-18, 13:46   Link #55
Kusa-San
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Yes I was wondering too ? Futhermore, you can say that your best friendship is with the woman you love. Romantic love is the eptitome of friendship in a certain way. There is nothing more strong than true love.
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Old 2009-05-18, 16:16   Link #56
Vexx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raa
IMO adults don't value friendship.
o.O Choose your adults more wisely? If anything, the converse is true (unless we're talking about adults, teens, or children who have a social space a mile wide and one inch deep).
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Old 2009-05-19, 07:34   Link #57
cheyannew
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Yes I was wondering too ? Futhermore, you can say that your best friendship is with the woman you love. Romantic love is the eptitome of friendship in a certain way. There is nothing more strong than true love.

I do have to comment on this, as my husband says all the time that I am not his wife; I am his best friend in the world.

That's all well and good, but I see a difference in romantic love, and friendship love.

As a polyamourist, I may be very close to friends, but I do not LOVE then in the way I do my partners, or my husband. And mind you, I have friends whom I have known over half my life, and mean a great deal to me. I love them, yes, but not in the manner I love my husband, or the woman we want to marry. And I'm not even talking about sexuality here, I mean there is a very distinct difference twixt "love" and "LOVE" for most people.

And I note I have seen many relationship of "true love" which do not last, while best friends remain.
So it's rather a case by case basis, wouldn't you say?
That being said, if you do not count your mate(s) as friends, your relationship is kind of doomed
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Old 2009-05-19, 07:44   Link #58
Kusa-San
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Humm sorry but what's polyamourist ? I don't find a french translation for this word ? Polygame ?

But I agree that friendship with friends and friendship with your love one are not the same. But for me, it's because in addition to your friendship, you love him. How to say that, love is an addton of romantic feeling and great friendship. That's why for me, love is the epitome of friendship in a certain way.

And about your relationship with true love which don't last ? May I ask what's the reason ? Because if they break up maybe it's not true love ?
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Old 2009-05-19, 07:49   Link #59
cheyannew
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Originally Posted by Kusa-San View Post
Humm sorry but what's polyamourist ? I don't find a french translation for this word ? Polygame ?

But I agree that friendship with friends and friendship with your love one are not the same. But for me, it's because in addition to your friendship, you love him. How to say that, love is an addton of romantic feeling and great friendship. That's why for me, love is the epitome of friendship in a certain way.

And abour your relationship with true love which don't last ? May I ask what's the reason ? Because if they break up maybe it's not true love ?
Polyamoury is quite literally "many loves"; it's a rather complex relationship situation where you may have more than one partner. For instance, I have been married to my husband for nearly 13 years now, but we are terribly attached to and adore a woman we have known for around a decade (I even flew to California to be with her when she had her child), and wish her, and her daughter, to move in with us and become what's called a triad.

That could take up its own forum thread, though LOL!

I have a horrible habit of spelling things in Queen's English, so http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/polyamory would likely help hehehe...

Bad habit!

As for true love, is there really such a thing? Love is, in essence, a fulfillment of needs. People change, and therefore their needs tend to change. What is "love" one decade may change in the next, and therefore, the "love", aka fulfillment of needs is no longer viable, and the couple(s) break up. There are many cases of people being married 40 and 50 years, and then splitting for one reason of another. I daresay that's a case of "true love", to spend 50 years with someone, but after said 50 years, they needed a change.
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Old 2009-05-19, 07:58   Link #60
Kusa-San
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Ok thanks, I think the french version of this word is polygame Well, I'm not polymourist but if you're happy with your relationship it's all that matter ^^

But I don't agree with your last point. I think true love exist and I know someone in AS who we tell you that. But as for myself, my parent meet each other when they were in highshool. Now they are over 50 years and they're still together and I think will always be. So yes, I think true love exist
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