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Old 2009-05-19, 08:08   Link #61
cheyannew
PolyPerson!
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern VA
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kusa-San View Post
Ok thanks, I think the french version of this word is polygame Well, I'm not polymourist but if you're happy with your relationship it's all that matter ^^

But I don't agree with your last point. I think true love exist and I know someone in AS who we tell you that. But as for myself, my parent meet each other when they were in highshool. Now they are over 50 years and they're still together and I think will always be. So yes, I think true love exist
Ahh, but is it "love" or is it a fulfillment of certain needs?

I am not so much a romanticist; I believe love is, in its basest form, someone fulfilling needs X, Y and Z. This is why some people remain with one mate, others flit from person to person, and still others, like myself, are greedy and want every single need fulfilled even if that means bringing another person or two into the relationship. All Hallmark cards, flowers, chocolates and poetry aside, no one can really define "love" other than some vague warm happy fuzzy feeling.
So how does one define true love?
Maybe people're together for 50+ years simply because it is now comfortable and they don't want to be bothered looking for a new mate. Not saying that's the case w/ your folks, but who can really say?
I suspect that's a can of worms for another thread; I'll return this one to it's scheduled point )
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Old 2009-05-19, 09:56   Link #62
Jazzrat
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver Dragon View Post
It's mainly because as we grow older we develop more into who we'll be for a long time. Your interests change, your personality changes, your likes/dislikes change, and these may not always match your old friends well as they grow. No one is really to blame except for good ol' life.
I disagree, what's important in friendship (ok that's really cheesy i know) is trust. Me and my friends have very different hobby, personality and lifestyle but we are still friends that cheer and comfort each other and gives honest advice to each other and not just words that we want to hear.
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Old 2009-05-20, 00:54   Link #63
Mystique
Honyaku no Hime
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
Polyamoury is quite literally "many loves"; it's a rather complex relationship situation where you may have more than one partner. For instance, I have been married to my husband for nearly 13 years now, but we are terribly attached to and adore a woman we have known for around a decade (I even flew to California to be with her when she had her child), and wish her, and her daughter, to move in with us and become what's called a triad.

That could take up its own forum thread, though LOL!
*hits the brakes*
This is just a mere observation of something I've been keeping tabs of over the last year on cyberspace (just another topic of interest i add to my mental general knowledge bank)
In other words, you're in an open marriage, correct?
By this, I mean in the sense that it's not the 1-1, till death do us part, bound by the rings and vows you made to each other solely, but by the mutual presence of another many many years down the line.
That certainly can make up another thread in it's own, but for now, I'll prob bug you once in a blue moon on your profile board, if I'm feeling nosy and you don't send me packing
You mention 13 years and I've noticed recently this... trend (or exposure perhaps) of couples married for 8, 9, 10+ years, looking to re affirm, re establish, re strengthen their relationship and it typically involved a third party (be it 1 person or another couple)
Like I said, it's just a mere observation on my end, but you've added to that count as a example.

Back on topic, though since I gave my two pence at the start of this thread, I've been lurking silently on the fence up til present.
Quote:
As for true love, is there really such a thing? Love is, in essence, a fulfillment of needs. People change, and therefore their needs tend to change. What is "love" one decade may change in the next, and therefore, the "love", aka fulfillment of needs is no longer viable, and the couple(s) break up. There are many cases of people being married 40 and 50 years, and then splitting for one reason of another. I daresay that's a case of "true love", to spend 50 years with someone, but after said 50 years, they needed a change.
Does true love exist?
Yes.
Is it the sole basis for long lasting relationships?
Nope.

Even soul mates (which I do believe in) would need to put in a hell of a lot of work be it 3 years, 15years, or 40 years.
Humans change, Life (bitch that she is) keeps us on our toes every day.
Circumstances change, events shape and mould us as individuals, and so a relationship between people, be it friendships as people are mentioning here or be it a love relationship is never stagnant.

It's a cocktail mix of trust, communication and compromise.
Some long lasting couples will love each other dearly, but if one broke the trust of the other, they'll split.
Some can work past that broken trust and re build, some can't, depends on the individuals involved.
In that sense, 'true love' isn't enough. It'll be there, which makes your compatibility level awesome and stuff, but as boyfriend/girlfriend or husband wife, it's not enough without perhaps turning bitter or betraying your true feelings.
Same can be said for friendships.
We're not tugging the heartstrings as powerfully as a partner because even with your closest friend, there still can be chapters of your life or sides of you that you keep to yourself, whereas with a partner, you're likely to spill everything and be open in order to support each other.
Use each others strengths to support each others weaknesses.
That means you're also terribly vulnerable to each other too.

As for my definition of "true love" just to pacify cheyannew's curiosity, the answer differs for each person, so this is only my personal take.
But it's peace.
Where the world's a chaos and life is painful, it's complete and utter peace.
It's the security, the safety, the light, the strength, the hope.
It's what makes you wanna become a better person, it's what makes you wanna move heaven and earth for someone, it's what makes your life goal nothing else but pleasing your other half, (naturally not at the entire cost of yourself, there is a line)
It's what drives you to keep that special connection between the two of you alive and that is a hell of a lot of work, lots of blood, sweat and tears, but you find that you cannot see an alternative or need one.
I don't see it as a need; rather I see it as a mutual strength to support each others weaknesses no matter what they may be and supporting each other as individuals through daily life.

You did mention that sometimes people have been together for so long that they just stay together cause they've no where else to go, that also occurs, but for the “true love” definition (not marriages) for the meantime, it's what I stated above.
I know the intensity of that fades over the years, but its existence doesn't.
More often than not, humans simply take for granted something that is always there and this includes marriages. Sometimes it takes a natural disaster or an accident or something to shake you to remind you of your mortality just to make you realise just how much a person truly means to you.
(Typically, you’d think of who’d you wanna say goodbye to within the last moments of your life if a person was curious on that note)

Even if you're split from someone, people still have life loves in their hearts to the point that if there were to reunite again, there would still be something there.
In this world of 6 billion, the variations are endless, but without a doubt, it exists and incredibly lucky couples have done and do live their lives until death in that manner, often to the point from many people over 60 who I’ve talked to tell me
“I’ve no need to find another partner, I had my true love/soul mate and for that I’m blessed.”

Thus end long ass piece, borderline off topic so pardon if I skip over to your profile board cheyannew in the future to avoid the virtual glares of the admin here
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Old 2009-05-20, 01:50   Link #64
kayos
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Our mentality changes over time, we as adult becomes somewhat more insecure and isolated. But that's just a small portion of the pie...
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Old 2009-05-20, 11:36   Link #65
Vexx
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Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayos View Post
Our mentality changes over time, we as adult becomes somewhat more insecure and isolated. But that's just a small portion of the pie...
Where do you people get these ideas? (apparently, YMMV considerably)
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Old 2009-05-20, 16:53   Link #66
Narona
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
Where do you people get these ideas? (apparently, YMMV considerably)
I was secretly expecting you to share some of your feelings and experience on this topic since, if I'm not mistaken, you're in love with the same woman for a long time now
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Old 2009-05-20, 17:15   Link #67
Daniel E.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Monterrey N.L. Mexico
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
So how does one define true love?
You are not supposed to.

True love is something each and everyone one of us must discover and feel on our own. What one discovers as true love could be very different from what others feel and see as their own true love. The same holds true for friendships.

Or as others sometimes say..... love and friendship comes in all shapes and sizes.
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Old 2009-05-20, 17:30   Link #68
Vexx
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Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Narona View Post
I was secretly expecting you to share some of your feelings and experience on this topic since, if I'm not mistaken, you're in love with the same woman for a long time now
She-who-is-small-and-cute-and-must-be-obeyed and I are very different people than we were in our late teens -- I'd have to say we've refallen in love several times and even rather rebooted our relationship. The most challenging part over the years has simply been accepting each other for the way we are. We don't have the same interests but we have overlapping interests, we don't have the same friends but our friends overlap.

I've no illusions that there are such things as "soul mates" - staying connected takes daily work and conversation. I've probably met at least a half dozen people in my life I could easily have spent "the rest of my life with" and in a few cases the feeling was mutual but we both already had commitments so ... we're all just good friends and thats as far as it goes.

Probably our biggest 'quality time" challenge recently is that I've completely dropped American network television in the last 4 or 5 years - I loathe it and think most of it is toxic. I'll try to watch it with her and I find the characters in a show appealing but after 10 "serial killer pedo rape slash" episodes in a week (worse on ratings evaluation "sweeps" weeks) I'm just done with it. We watch public broadcasting/news/documentaries together and we'll watch rented movies together but otherwise I'm out of the room (she has a knitting hobby she does while she watches her crime shows). She'll watch the anime I suggest as long as I filter the "crap" out so she only has to watch the "Vexx recommends" items and I've figured out what she likes.

Otherwise, we just try to make an effort to do things we both like: travel, festivals, artshows, parks, conventions, go to the athletic club, etc. Physical contact really helps even if it is just curling up on the couch and her falling asleep 10 minutes after the movie starts. We also make sure we take time and do things that *don't* involve each other. This summer makes our 30th of our legal bond (our anniversary is on Bastille Day, we perversely thought that appropriate for our somewhat Taiga-Ryuuji or Hazuki-Kaoru relationship) and the 34th since dating fairly monogamously.

All this applies to general friendship as well (okay, not the sex part o.O) -- I have friends that I developed in the 1980s at NASA that I still keep in email contact with and anytime one is in the same region as the other we'll get together. People come up for Thanksgiving - I have one friend I've known since the 4th grade who visits from Texas then. Games, movies, pubs, etc ensue. I also have friends of widely varying ages (late teens, 20-something, etc) - frankly, outside of my NASA and hi-tech buddies a great many of my age-peers are mud bumps. Attending parent meetings when sons were in K-12 was almost as depressing as an AOL chatroom as far as knowledge or IQ. Granted that is true of any age group, but if you want people with a clue, don't restrict whom you befriend by age.
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Last edited by Vexx; 2009-05-20 at 18:14.
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Old 2009-05-20, 18:26   Link #69
cheyannew
PolyPerson!
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern VA
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
*hits the brakes*
In other words, you're in an open marriage, correct?
In a word: No
I am "polyfidelous", that being that my husband and I have long ago mutually agreed to let a CERTAIN person into our lives, as opposed to just flinging ourselves willy nilly. I'll ping you to discuss, but wanted to clarify that lest it get out of hand
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Old 2009-05-20, 18:56   Link #70
Narona
Emotionless White Face
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
She-who-is-small-and-cute-and-must-be-obeyed and I are very different people than we were in our late teens -- I'd have to say we've refallen in love several times and even rather rebooted our relationship. The most challenging part over the years has simply been accepting each other for the way we are. We don't have the same interests but we have overlapping interests, we don't have the same friends but our friends overlap.

I've no illusions that there are such things as "soul mates" - staying connected takes daily work and conversation. I've probably met at least a half dozen people in my life I could easily have spent "the rest of my life with" and in a few cases the feeling was mutual but we both already had commitments so ... we're all just good friends and thats as far as it goes.
Quite different from my parents so far (i say so far because i can't see the future) anyway I think i talked about them enough on this board so I will not say anything more ^^, and a proper thing would be to them to share their experience themselves in that kind of discussion, but since they dislike internet, i don't expect it xD

Anyway, I may be wrong in what i feel, but you two seem benevolent in your relationship. That's very cute actually.

Quote:
Otherwise, we just try to make an effort to do things we both like: travel, festivals, artshows, parks, conventions, go to the athletic club, etc. Physical contact really helps even if it is just curling up on the couch and her falling asleep 10 minutes after the movie starts. We also make sure we take time and do things that *don't* involve each other. This summer makes our 30th of our legal bond (our anniversary is on Bastille Day, we perversely thought that appropriate for our somewhat Taiga-Ryuuji or Hazuki-Kaoru relationship) and the 34th since dating fairly monogamously.
I admit that the choice of the Bastille Day was unexpected Anyway, I sincerely wish to you two a happy birthday in advance

Quote:
All this applies to general friendship as well (okay, not the sex part o.O) -- I have friends that I developed in the 1980s at NASA that I still keep in email contact with and anytime one is in the same region as the other we'll get together. People come up for Thanksgiving - I have one friend I've known since the 4th grade who visits from Texas then. Games, movies, pubs, etc ensue. I also have friends of widely varying ages (late teens, 20-something, etc) - frankly, outside of my NASA and hi-tech buddies a great many of my age-peers are mud bumps. Attending parent meetings when sons were in K-12 was almost as depressing as an AOL chatroom as far as knowledge or IQ. Granted that is true of any age group, but if you want people with a clue, don't restrict whom you befriend by age.
I fully agree.

That was pleasant to read. Thanks for sharing
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Old 2009-05-20, 19:05   Link #71
yezhanquan
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Singapore
Age: 29
Well, I have acquaintances but very few friends which will, to paraphrase Vexx, take a grenade for me. I've known him for 10 years. Although there was a period of time when we had intense friction (and thus not speaking to each other), we got over it.

I feel that for a friendship to last, you have to accept the changes that will come to you and your friends as time goes by.
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Old 2009-05-21, 03:44   Link #72
Takeru
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Age: 25
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I guess my 2¢ is that, especially as a military child, moving around a lot doesn't "allow" for much of a childhood-friend aspect since you are usually moving somewhere else every three to six years. But then again there are those friends who you meet once and keep for life.

For example, I have a friend that I've known since about 2002. We hung out with each other all the time, caused ruckus in our classes, pulled phone pranks on friends, you name it. I moved away three years later, but we still (somehow) ended up finding each other's contact information and three years since then, we may not talk to each other as often, every time we see each other, it's as if we're in the same room chatting up a storm and cracking jokes.

Another difficult time is HS graduation when most of your friends either move or end up going to colleges out of state/country and you almost never get to talk to them again. Sure, with the advent of Facebook, MySpace, what-have-you, it's easy to stay in contact. But you just don't talk that often anymore, if ever. Especially after high school where the "real world" has you look for a job, move out on your own, pay bills, etc.

The way I see it, what happens during your lifetime is more of a "filter" that weeds out the "just friends" that you hang out with at work and such from the lifelong friends that you will stand behind until the day one of you falls face-first into your burial plot.
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Old 2009-05-21, 08:43   Link #73
kayos
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
Where do you people get these ideas? (apparently, YMMV considerably)
Life's observation 101 (also on occasion from eating too much sweets) and of course the answer doesn't apply to everyone.
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