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Old 2011-07-27, 19:44   Link #861
Runty
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirena View Post
All right, I suppose I'll be linking to my fic after all. I edited it a little, so I guess I feel like it's... closer to presentable now? It's quite short and focused on Audrey.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7136874/1/

@Runty: This is off-topic, but you mentioned VC3. Have you played it yourself or did you find someplace with a translation/videos? I'm wondering whether I should import it and try to make sense of it since a localization doesn't seem too likely.
Watched some Youtube videos and checked other forums, asking people who know how to read/speak Japanese.
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Old 2011-07-31, 01:46   Link #862
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Any progress, Snowman?
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Old 2011-08-07, 01:44   Link #863
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Think you're ready to start writing again, Snowman?
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Old 2011-08-09, 22:04   Link #864
Snowman24
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Spoiler for Magari fanfic preview part... I dunno:


Yeah, not much and as well done as I had hoped. But... I think you can tell what's going to happen and what the plan is just with this preview. Hopefully the next part will be the last part. Not to mention that I just looked at the word count for this entire story, it's over 12,500 words and it's not even finished.

The Marion one was longer... but that might not be so after I re-read the entire thing. Add in the suggestions from before and polish the whole thing up.
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Old 2011-08-10, 02:12   Link #865
Runty
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Nice to see this coming along again. Regarding some suggestions, I'll be bolding some inputs I make (i.e. word or sentence changes).

Overall, try to fix up the grammar a little bit, but there's a few lines in particular I'll outline as I go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowman24 View Post
Spoiler for Magari fanfic preview part... I dunno:


Yeah, not much and as well done as I had hoped. But... I think you can tell what's going to happen and what the plan is just with this preview. Hopefully the next part will be the last part. Not to mention that I just looked at the word count for this entire story, it's over 12,500 words and it's not even finished.

The Marion one was longer... but that might not be so after I re-read the entire thing. Add in the suggestions from before and polish the whole thing up.
So yeah, there's the changes I recommend. There's probably more you could do, but I'll leave that to you. Mainly it has to do with some grammar clean-up, but also try to make it so that you don't elaborate too much on some of the events that were from VC1. It'll make things flow more smoothly.

I do like where this is going, though. The bit of the Rebels "communication" has me intrigued...
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Old 2011-08-10, 07:01   Link #866
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@Snowman: That one is looking good so far. Can't wait until you're done with the full thing. And being able to write over 12,500 words is admirable, I always seem to lose steam way before that time.

Speaking of writing, I tried my hand at another fic. It's about 1,000 words long so it's still short but a little longer than the first. I ended up writing about Audrey again, trying to explore her motivations a bit this time. Not quite sure about this one, so feel free to suggest ways to improve it.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7272080/...the_Blue_Flame

And then there is another thing I'd like to try. At some point it's mentioned that Audrey used to be in the army, so I figured that it would make sense if she ran into people she used to fight alongside at some point. I was thinking that it might make for interesting conflict - ideals versus old allies. Any thoughts on that one?

...and after that I should probably try to focus on some of Avan's classmates.
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Last edited by Mirena; 2011-08-10 at 07:43.
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Old 2011-08-10, 13:30   Link #867
Snowman24
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^You could always do what I'm doing, give a preview of your fanfic, Then we'll give suggestions and such that you could re-edit the rough draft with. When that's done, you can upload the final polished version over at the fanfiction site.

I think that's what this thread was created for My stories wouldn't have been as good as they were if I didn't post a preview here and get feedback before i went and polished it off, then posted it up at the fanfiction site.
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Old 2011-08-11, 03:04   Link #868
Runty
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Looking forward to the final result of the Magari fic, Snowman.
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Old 2011-08-13, 22:27   Link #869
Runty
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I just had a neat idea for a VC3/VC2 cross-over idea for a one-shot, though it would require it to be written by someone who knows about the outcome(s) of VC3. As such, only read this one at your own peril; it's likely to spoil you, BIG TIME!
Spoiler for VC3/VC2:

I'm sure Snowman would like something like this, right? Tweak as needed.

Last edited by Runty; 2011-08-13 at 23:44.
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Old 2011-08-14, 17:24   Link #870
Snowman24
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Spoiler for Magari fan-fic, trap-door ambush:


Well this is why I had Welkin order the holes to be dug all around the area. Does it work?

Lol, describing it turned out to be more gory then I thought when Anisette and Mischlitt shanked the rebel with their blades... yikes. But I didn't want to have them just knock him out, or would that have been more appropriate?

Of course, I got the idea from watching videos on youtube. Just type in trap-door spider and watch how they kill their prey... it's so darn clever and something I think Welkin would definately use for an ambush situation.
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Old 2011-08-14, 21:58   Link #871
Runty
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowman24 View Post
Spoiler for Magari fan-fic, trap-door ambush:


Well this is why I had Welkin order the holes to be dug all around the area. Does it work?

Lol, describing it turned out to be more gory then I thought when Anisette and Mischlitt shanked the rebel with their blades... yikes. But I didn't want to have them just knock him out, or would that have been more appropriate?

Of course, I got the idea from watching videos on youtube. Just type in trap-door spider and watch how they kill their prey... it's so darn clever and something I think Welkin would definately use for an ambush situation.
This I think would be a welcome change for you. The bolded line I've put in should be something more appropriate. No need to explain what happens so directly; use some creative wording and let the reader know that both Rebels were KIA'd, but not necessarily how they die.
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Old 2011-08-17, 13:45   Link #872
Mirena
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I suppose I'll try this preview thing, ahah. I've been trying to write something that expands on the "moment of weakness"-idea. I was really unsure which part of the fic to pick, since I'm sort of unsure about some stuff in all of them.

Spoiler for Audrey fic, Darcsen village attack:

I'm wondering about the wording in general, if it seems okay, the conversation, if it should be longer etc. I have fun when I write but when I look at it later I just break my head thinking about what to change...
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Old 2011-08-17, 23:58   Link #873
Runty
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirena View Post
I suppose I'll try this preview thing, ahah. I've been trying to write something that expands on the "moment of weakness"-idea. I was really unsure which part of the fic to pick, since I'm sort of unsure about some stuff in all of them.

Spoiler for Audrey fic, Darcsen village attack:

I'm wondering about the wording in general, if it seems okay, the conversation, if it should be longer etc. I have fun when I write but when I look at it later I just break my head thinking about what to change...
Sounds pretty awesome, IMO, though I'd remove the whole "nice group to use the machine gun on" part; that's seems OOC for Audrey. She was a zealot, not a sadist.

And IMO, there needs to be at least one story where Audrey ends up having to FIGHT a Darcsen group, one that doesn't just run away. Having her face a Calamity Raven remnant (VC3) would be very interesting.
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Old 2011-08-18, 01:03   Link #874
Beri270T3
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The fighting of a Darcsen group could be further simplified. Some could be just regular people fighting for their families. Unofficial militia bearing whatever few arms they have to defend their people.

I feel that line could be justifiably used however. If she is giving into the zealous cause it could lead her to committing grave acts. Granted she was a soldier who previously fought in a war so it might be better to modify the line so as to have her give the order to fire on a specific group at X degrees for example. As tank commander she directs the gunner and pilot. In addition she must direct all her subordinate forces. She would also know they're near the target before the pilot.

All the technical stuff aside it might be a good idea to give her gunner a face. He/she is someone Audrey would have a fair bit of contact with despite the differences of rank. They might converse regularly and she might even know the person as having previously served with him/her. If you are doing a long fic I'd highly recommend making the gunner a rounded character or supporting character for the protagonist.
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Old 2011-08-18, 09:53   Link #875
Mirena
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@Runty: True, I got ahead of myself on that one. Changing the line right now.

Once I actually get my hands on VC3 and actually get to know something about the story and Calamity Raven (planning to give the game a shot armed with a kanji dictionary), a fight like you suggested might be interesting to write. Though I still need to do a LOT more research on how battles work. Do you know some good sites for that?


@Beri270T3: First off, I have to admit that I don't really understand what you mean by simplifying the fighting of a Darcsen group. Perhaps you could reword it?

I'll be changing the firing+distance parts, now that you pointed it out I realized how silly it seems. Would you happen to know any reference for what actual orders generally sound like? I have zero military experience, so I'm trying to research but I'm not always sure where to look.

I'll also try developing the gunner as a character, like you pointed out it would only natural for them to interact quite a bit. Plus, I always liked the idea of expanding a bit more on relations on the antagonists' side, it's not something you see too much of.
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Old 2011-08-18, 23:38   Link #876
Runty
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Originally Posted by Mirena View Post
@Runty: True, I got ahead of myself on that one. Changing the line right now.

Once I actually get my hands on VC3 and actually get to know something about the story and Calamity Raven (planning to give the game a shot armed with a kanji dictionary), a fight like you suggested might be interesting to write. Though I still need to do a LOT more research on how battles work. Do you know some good sites for that?


@Beri270T3: First off, I have to admit that I don't really understand what you mean by simplifying the fighting of a Darcsen group. Perhaps you could reword it?

I'll be changing the firing+distance parts, now that you pointed it out I realized how silly it seems. Would you happen to know any reference for what actual orders generally sound like? I have zero military experience, so I'm trying to research but I'm not always sure where to look.

I'll also try developing the gunner as a character, like you pointed out it would only natural for them to interact quite a bit. Plus, I always liked the idea of expanding a bit more on relations on the antagonists' side, it's not something you see too much of.
Afraid not. Most of anything that I got on VC3 was from Youtube, a little bit of Dailymotion, and online forums on Gamespot (lots of those topics are dead, though).
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Old 2011-08-19, 21:00   Link #877
Snowman24
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Spoiler for Magari fanfic, final preview, finished!:


VERY rough draft. And I mean very, very rough draft. But this still took me probably 4 hours today and my eyes are tired and can barely look at the screen.

I will make changes based on observations *if I missed something or whatever* and when I've had enough time to rest my eyes and find spare time to write.

the finished product will probably be up at the fanfiction side either tomorrow or not long after. As there is much editing, correcting and other stuff to be done before the final product can be put up.

EDIT: Now that we've come to it, this is going to need... a Title. and I'm drawing a blank. Truth be told, this feels more Welkin x Magari than Rene x Magari or even just Rene or Magari alone fanfic. So... any ideas for a fitting title?

Last edited by Snowman24; 2011-08-19 at 21:56.
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Old 2011-08-19, 22:56   Link #878
Runty
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Pretty awesomely done. You'll probably tweak it a bit to make it sound better, and I hope to see the completed result in fanfiction.net soon.

One question though: in that little scene after the battle, why was Magari on her back when Welkin was hugging her? Mistake?

Oh, and here's a title suggestion: Old Wounds, New Wounds

Refers to Welkin's old war wound of losing Isara, and a new one of potentially losing Magari.

Last edited by Runty; 2011-08-20 at 10:10.
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Old 2011-08-20, 17:52   Link #879
Snowman24
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Well it's done, corrected, edited and everything. Expect to see the grand final copy of the Magari fanfic up at the fanfiction site within the next hour.

@Runty: I think 90% of that last preview I showed has been changed. Very little of it was unchanged. Infact, I had to take an action scene away from someone when I changed it, sorry

Anyways, I hope you'll enjoy what it came out to be and hope you enjoyed the bit by bit previews I showed over the last few months. Lol, I'm ashamed that it took me this long to write it :P Especially when I first started it back in March.

ALSO: It's officially longer than the Marion fanfic. But that's awesome, because I just love, love, LOVE Magari to bits. She deserves it :P
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Old 2011-08-22, 20:26   Link #880
Snowman24
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Spoiler for New Magari+Rene fanfic:


I took Runty's idea about Magari and Rene being inside an ancient Valkyrian tomb, temple or structure or whatever it was. But I made some pretty major tweaks.

Spoiler for new idea:
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