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Old 2009-06-13, 00:25   Link #1
CrossoverManiac
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Essay: Why magical girl villains suck at strategy

I was watching "Wedding Peach" today and it reminded me of "Sailor Moon", more specifically, Queen Beryl, her four generals and her army of monsters of the week and Zagato from "Magic Knight Rayearth", another magical girl villain. It occurred to me that Queen Beryl really didn't think out this whole 'let's take over the world' scheme. In fact, she has the military prowess of Cobra Commander after a drinking binge and a handful of Estacy.


STRATEGY 101


Let's start of with choice of military targets and attack plans:

1). Brainwash the leaders of the world's major superpowers

2). Destroy oil wells and refineries and cripple the world by taking out its energy supplies (oh look how topical I am)

3). Strike military installations without warning, demolish aircraft, tanks, ships, and massacre personnel

4). Steal nukes and vaporized a couple of hundred acres of urban sprawl

5). Hijack a radio station, give bad love advice to teenagers, make them lose their boyfriends and girlfriends, and steal their love energy.

#1 is completely doable. Malachite turned ordinary humans into evil thralls of the Negaverse all of the time. Forget the Olympic skater couple, Malachite, brainwash the guys with a nuclear arsenal at their beck and call.

#2 and #3 is doable as well. Some of these yomas are pretty tough, and it looked like Queen Beryl had a bunch of them at her disposal. And the way they seem to appear out of no where, they can attack with impunity without warning or fear of counter-attack by humans.

#4 is a matter of finding nuke, get nuke, and some air time on CNN to let the world know that the Negaverse is a nuclear power.

THE SCREW-UP

But Beryl, being the military genius she is, opts out of plans 1-4 and sends DJ Jadeite to screw over the love life of teenagers throughout Japan and take their love energy. That's even worse than the Legion of Doom. At least they were kidnapping world leaders and replacing them with robot duplicates and hijacking oil tankers when they weren't going backward in time to train otters to steal sunken treasure in a plot to build the world's largest ant farm to train an army of giant mutant ants to steal the world sugar supply and boost Brainiac's stocks in Nutri-Sweet. And perish the thought of stealing energy from teenagers that live too far away from the Sailor Senshis to stop them. Because, dammit, we steal energy Tokyo teenagers and nowhere else as if there isn't any angst teens in the rest of the world.

And there's Zagato. Okay, Zagato has taken over Cephiro. All that stands in his way is the Magic Knights. He has full knowledge of the prophecy that predicts girls from another world will save Cephiro, or from Zagato's point of view, royally screw things up for him. And what does he do?

What could have been

Zagato: Those girls from another world are the biggest threat to me. I better not take any chances. Alcyone, Ascot, Innova, Lafarga, and Caldina, I want you to find the Magic Knights and kill them.

What actually happen

Zagato: Those girls from another world are the biggest threat to me. I shouldn't take any chances, but I'll just send my minions one at a time until they're picked one by one.

Well, gee Zagato, if the girls from another world were so dangerous, maybe you should have more than just one flunky at a time. And what happens when the one solitary flunky gets her/his butt handed to them? The magical girl villain kills them. Not, 'Oh, Alcyone, you got beaten by the magic knights? Let me send Ascot and Caldina to help you. And if that's not enough, Lafarga and Innova are both on standby'. No, it's 'You messed up Alcyone. See you Hell loser.' And Zagato wasn't the only one that made this blunder. Queen Beryl, Dr. Tome, Sailor Galaxia, Queen Raindevila (Wedding Peach), the evil
cloud thing from Pretty Cure. You get the picture. It wouldn't be so bad if the henchmen lost because they were incompetent. But they was beaten because they were fighting somewhere between three to a dozen magical girls at once. That's like Roosevelt sending General Patton into Germany with one tank and putting him in front of the firing line because he couldn't take on the entire German army out.

THE REASON BEHIND THE ROTTEN STRATEGY

Now, we all know the real reason why magical girl villains suck at strategy.

1). They must lose and must be powerful enough to be a threat but just stupid enough to give the magical girls a chance to beat them.

2). Magical girl show target audience, preteen girls, don't really care about world politics to fully appreciate the ramifications of the villain brainwashing the prime minister of China into declaring war on Japan.

But we're looking for an in-story explanation for what seems like, bad strategy. There's the magical items that all happen to be Tokyo. That sort of limits the bad guys to teleporting to one place. Then there's the fact that magical girl henchmen fight among each other like a bunch of ten year old boys locked in a room with nothing to do for three days and then throwing a Gameboy inside for them to 'share'. Zagato didn't send all of his flunkies at once to destroy the magic knights because he was stupid, but because these guys rather tear each other apart than the good guys. Queen Raindevila had the same problem. Three of her flunkies were suppose to take on the Love Angels together, but they were too busy infighting and got their rear ends handed to them. Is it the fact that no one with an IQ higher than 60 wants to work as a magical girl villain flunky? Well, a better explanation may be the very source of their powers. Most magical girl villains are all juiced up on evil, negative emotions. Well, that's nice and dandy except for the side-effect of having the emotional and behavioral problems of the cast of child actors from Different Strokes. And don't you dare power them down. They're more cooperative, but they get their teeth kicked in by the magical girls. No, I take that back. Magical girls don't kick people's teeth in, except Puni Puni Poemi, but that girl's never been right in the head. They zap them and make them not crazy psychopaths with the power of love. Well they do that even with their power levels up, but it would a lot faster. But that still leaves the lousy choice of targets. There is no military importance to ruining little Chiharu's date with Yamazaki and stealing her ability to love her little crush, her parents, and her pet gerbil. However, if you took away all of the positive aspects to everyone in the world, well, what you have is Hell on Earth. Think about it. If there was only hate, despair, selfishness, and other negative emotions, well, it would like one man told me. Being lock up in prison isn't the punishment, it's being locked up with the inmates. And that make sense. Why take over the world when all you want to do is corrupt it into something grotesque and malignant, which is all the magical girl villains really want.




CONCLUSION

In the end, it's the heart that counts. It's a war, not for land, not for resources, not for political power or even a little extra cash, but the heart of soul of each and every single individual on this Earth.

hides behind fireproof wall and quaking if fear of impeding flames
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Old 2009-06-13, 03:14   Link #2
Kamui4356
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrossoverManiac View Post
Is it the fact that no one with an IQ higher than 60 wants to work as a magical girl villain flunky?
It's more that the positon has no health benefits and poor job security. Such positions only attract lower skilled, unprofessional minions straight from evil henchman college. When the villian does spring for the health benefits and offers a more stable working environment, it attracts a more professional employee to fill the evil minion jobs.

Seriously though, I don't think you've pointed out anything there that's unique to magical girl series. Maybe the power of love thing, but that could be considered a parallel of th whole shounen need to protect something we see in series like bleach and naruto. Unless it gets to the point that it breaks your suspension of disbelief, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with using it.
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Old 2009-06-13, 09:45   Link #3
stubby42
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Arent villians in general bad at strategy?

I mean explaining your evil plan might be entertaining but its vital information that makes the heros job so much easier.
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Old 2009-06-13, 12:53   Link #4
HayashiTakara
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Also, why do the villains always sit and watch the girls transform? wouldn't it be much more efficient to attack when they're doing their 5 minute transformation? I guess its just fun to watch teenage girls spin around naked with sparkly lights
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Old 2009-06-13, 13:02   Link #5
Xellos-_^
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In Zagato's defense he wasn't interested in taking over the world, his primary goal was something. damn lolicon.
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Old 2009-06-13, 13:25   Link #6
KholdStare
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Do I watch anime for realism? The answer would be no. Granted, I dislike most mahou shoujo anime, but no matter how unrealistic it is, if I enjoy it and it provides an escape from life, then I will like it. Of course, if realism affects enjoyment so there must be a balance. In short, if you can create good drama and provide enjoyment with some stupidity, then go for it.
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Old 2009-06-13, 13:37   Link #7
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It's the same reason why sentai villains for some reason are obsessed with some small town in Japan and destroying children's dreams there,
while insisting that their goal is to take over the world.
The reason? Because it's a show for kids.

That's why shows like Tentai Senshi Sunred is so hilarious.

Oh btw, Eas is the hottest villain to grace magical girl shows in decades.
No, I will not hear your objections. I luv her.
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Old 2009-06-13, 13:38   Link #8
Xellos-_^
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Originally Posted by aohige View Post
It's the same reason why sentai villains for some reason are obsessed with some small town in Japan and destroying children's dreams there, when they insist they're trying to take over the world.
The reason? Because it's a show for kids.

That's why shows like Tentai Senshi Sunred is so hilarious.

Oh btw, Eas is the hottest villain to grace magical girl shows in decades.
No, I will not hear your objections. I luv her.
Eas? what show?
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Old 2009-06-13, 13:57   Link #9
aohige
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Eas? what show?
Fresh Pretty Cure.
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Old 2009-06-13, 14:34   Link #10
Xellos-_^
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Fresh Pretty Cure.
oh yes, there was a rencet article about her boobs on Sankaku and i love the Pre-cure H-doujins
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Old 2009-06-14, 03:52   Link #11
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This reminds me of the old "Things not to do if I was an evil Overlord list."

The biggest problem you run into is, people trying to destory the world are often not the most logical or sane bunch.
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