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Old 2010-05-06, 06:38   Link #1
Miko Miko
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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Dealing with Manipulative People

Hey Everyone!
-Didn't know where to put this or anything, so I put it here.

So I am having so much trouble with a 'friend'. Just recently I have figured out that our friendship has been based on lies for the past 3 years. She has played the guilt card and lied about EVERYTHING! My other friends and I have discussed this and realised she is nothing but a lying manipulative little cow. I don't really want to drop her as a friend but I don't know what to do.

I found out she'd lied to me about being raped.. I thought it was disgusting when I found out she'd lied, I confronted her and she apologised for lying to me and she doesn't know why she did it, but with all my other friends she is still pretending as if it actually happened, when they know full well it didn't!!

She's been completely slagging me off to her friends and she's slagged my friends of to me, she is unbelievable! The only thing's I know about her is that it's one fictional problem after another, trust me it's much more than just the rape lie. It's driving me mad!! She is claiming now that she's being bullied by her best friend. I spoke to her best friend and they've only had a fall out because she owes her best friend £35 and won't give it her.

At the moment she is being totally unbelievable; I walked home from school with her and she told me the plan to hurt her apparent rapist, although he was my friend and I don't want him injured for no reason. But 'apparently' he was sending her dodgy texts and her Mum and brother found out.. I know full well it's a load of bullshit.. so it concerns me why she is continously lying to me.. but when I don't listen or take her seriously she makes me feel bad for it! She tells me how she's always been there for me and how I should do the same. And it's awful.. but I have discussed this with my friends and it's as if she sits at home planning how to make someone get hurt again.

It's as if her whole life revolves around lying and manipulating people and making them feel as low as she does! We don't know how to deal with it, I would feel to guilty just leaving her on her own, I really am too nice.

I really need your advice on how to tackle this sort of behaviour.

Thankies!
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Old 2010-05-06, 06:58   Link #2
MeoTwister5
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Sounds like pathological lying coupled with some histrionic behavior. Not exactly my field, but your "friend" needs to see a therapist. Sounds like a possibility for Histrionic Personality Disorder.

If you think she's worth it, or if she shows signs of guilt for her actions, I do highly suggest you try and talk her into seeing a therapist. Pretending to be raped and trying to continue the charade is a VERY serious sign of a mental problem when you consider the severity of the crime she pretends to have suffered from, not to mention the almost irreparable harm she can do with a false accusation to her supposed assailant.

The irony here is that in the end, she's the one who's going to suffer the most from her actions and not you or your other friends. As I've said if you think she's worth it, and if you really want to help her, try to get her to see a specialist.

If she refuses or you see no way to try and make her change for the better, then it is time to cut off all contact from this person. Her refusal to change will ultimately drag her down into the gutter, and if she continues her slide into her own personal hell, then it would be wise not to be dragged down with her. Sorry to say, but in the end that might be your best option.

Good luck with this.
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Old 2010-05-06, 07:14   Link #3
Kafriel
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Things you can do:
1) Call her an attention hoe and never trust another word she says.
2) Ignore her till she has a real story to tell.
3) Forgive, but don't forget. Tell her straight up that if she keeps lying, you'll beat some sense into her or stop being her friend, continuous lying is beyond offensive and she doesn't seem to give a damn about how others feel. So, if she ever realizes what you and your other friends are going through, just maybe she'll stop lying...at least that much.
Quote:
but with all my other friends she is still pretending as if it actually happened, when they know full well it didn't!!
Tell your other friends that she's lying, make sure she's there and listening too. If she ends up breaking away from all of you, she wasn't much of a friend.
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Old 2010-05-06, 08:13   Link #4
Alchemist007
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I'd cut off all contact. Freaking psychopathic behavior.
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Old 2010-05-06, 08:42   Link #5
Leo Keichi
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When I was a kid, me and my friends would come up with the weirdest stories, just to keep the conversations interesting. What happenned is that in the end I couldn't believe anything of what they said anymore.

But this case is more serious. From what I can tell, she will never change. I'd recommend to let it clear to all of your friends how manipulative she is. Actually, I have a friend who is pretty much like that as well. I talk to her, but never get to her side when I know she's trying to pull some lie (which happens frequently, btw.).
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Old 2010-05-06, 10:19   Link #6
SaintessHeart
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IMO, she's probably lonely and felt ignored. Compulsive lying is a common trait of lonely people to draw attention to themselves.

You have to talk to her and be on her side if you want to wean her out of it. Otherwise, you can just ignore her, which is a simpler solution many choose.

P.S TBRHFMH, if you call this manipulative, then you have never worked in an office before.
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Old 2010-05-06, 13:19   Link #7
Miko Miko
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Wow, replies.. yay!
Well; thanks for your replies.. reading what you guys've put.. I might just give up now.. Although it'll be hard, she's been such an important part of my life. I mean I do want to help her, maybe get her to talk to someone professional but it'd be a task, and meanwhile I don't know if I could put up with all the more lies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
P.S TBRHFMH, if you call this manipulative, then you have never worked in an office before.
There's other stuff besides what I put in my original post, I'd be on all week if I wrote all the things she's done, the words she's twisted, the things she's made me do etc..etc..etc..!
and I am 16, I haven't worked in an office before

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leo Keichi View Post
But this case is more serious. From what I can tell, she will never change. I'd recommend to let it clear to all of your friends how manipulative she is. Actually, I have a friend who is pretty much like that as well. I talk to her, but never get to her side when I know she's trying to pull some lie (which happens frequently, btw.).
Well I did tell my friends, and they believed me.. they don't talk to her anymore.. but none of them are as close to her as I am, making it the hard part.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alchemist007 View Post
I'd cut off all contact. Freaking psychopathic behavior.
Thought about it; and my friend said she's probably psychopathic.. guess it's the fact that she never seems to regret it..

Thanks for your replies.
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Old 2010-05-06, 13:22   Link #8
Jinto
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Tell her, if she wants your attention she could try not to lie to you. If she lies to you turn her down for the moment. Tell her in a calm manner she can as well tell her lies to the next wall or sth. like that - try to radiate pity.
And don't feel guilty if you turn her down, she is untrustworthy and has no problem with harming people for her gains using her lies.
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Old 2010-05-06, 13:40   Link #9
SaintessHeart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miko Miko View Post
There's other stuff besides what I put in my original post, I'd be on all week if I wrote all the things she's done, the words she's twisted, the things she's made me do etc..etc..etc..!
and I am 16, I haven't worked in an office before
You know, the interesting part about girls (if I am not mistaken for you being one) when they respond to a "bad but very close friend" is they irk themselves over and over that situation before taking action, while guys just click the block button, or punch that friend instantly.

If I am not wrong, it seems that she has a really huge problem behind her that culminates into this defensive stance of storytelling. Take some time off, and sit down, talk nicely to her, even when she flares at you. Keep digging : one way is to agree with her, and try to make her talk the soft way because she's being defensive.

P.S It seems that I am the one playing nice here. Everyone seems to advocate for the "burn that bitch!" solution.
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Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2010-05-06, 15:07   Link #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
P.S TBRHFMH, if you call this manipulative, then you have never worked in an office before.
Don't try to discourage the girl! I work in an office environment and nobody I know there is even half as bad as her friend!

Iibh, I would cut every form of contact with her and cease to have anything to do with her. Someone who lies and deceives you and other people the way she does really isn't worth the time, especially when she can so easily lie about being raped and actually accuse someone of having done that when you know she's never been raped in the first place. But if you really want to keep her as a friend, then you better tell her to put her sh*t together and act straight with everyone, cuz the way she's acting right now is a good sign she doesn't give a damn about how others feel about being around her and how trustworthy she is. You should also be ready to face other people's scrutiny for being around her. I doubt other people would want to spend the time trying to get her act together and would probably associate you with her. Rumors start to spread and next thing you know, people will say you're also playing along with her lies.
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Old 2010-05-06, 15:28   Link #11
DragoZERO
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Drop her as peacefully as you can (ie: slowly stop talking and hanging out). People like that deserve to be alone or with others of their own kind.
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Old 2010-05-06, 17:07   Link #12
Kafriel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
P.S It seems that I am the one playing nice here. Everyone seems to advocate for the "burn that bitch!" solution.
She doesn't have to really write her off, but if you give these people half a chance, they'll shamelessly take it and start up their next story, taking you for granted all the more. So, in order to break the smug attitude of "everyone's playing into my lies", you either outright tell everyone she's lying or everyone stops caring, so that lying has no effect on the liar. Whatever feelings of security or fulfillment they get from lying are not only based on others buying it, but also on the action of lying as letting out stress (among other things). Thus, if you force her to stop talking, maybe the bad habit of lying will go away.
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Old 2010-05-06, 17:17   Link #13
SaintessHeart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kafriel View Post
She doesn't have to really write her off, but if you give these people half a chance, they'll shamelessly take it and start up their next story, taking you for granted all the more. So, in order to break the smug attitude of "everyone's playing into my lies", you either outright tell everyone she's lying or everyone stops caring, so that lying has no effect on the liar. Whatever feelings of security or fulfillment they get from lying are not only based on others buying it, but also on the action of lying as letting out stress (among other things). Thus, if you force her to stop talking, maybe the bad habit of lying will go away.
If the person is adaptive enough to find another circle of friends, it can lead to even more enmity because the lies told will be about her previous clique. And you can't guarantee it's always "everyone is playing into my lies". Sometimes compulsive lying can be from due stress to a certain situation.

I would give that girl a chance, sit down and talk nicely to her. If she doesn't, well, whoever rapes her is none of my business.
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When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2010-05-06, 17:31   Link #14
psycho_luny
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i would say take a step back from her. just take a breather for a few days, and that period of time you could think it through. you can look at the relation you had with her, if it's worth the time and energy your going to put in it, if it be pointless to try so. if you can't make up your mind then you should have a talk with her, trying to find out why she does it, if she wants help for it. and then if you don't consider it worth of your time and energy and consider it to be pointless you should stop all contact.
cuz if she won't change, if she won't stop lying like that. she'll drag you down in whatever mess she will make for herself in the future, causing you to clean up the damm mess she makes with all her lies.
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Old 2010-05-06, 18:16   Link #15
Kaijo
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Everyone I've encountered lies or manipulates to some degree. Even if it's just not telling you something you need to know. I think it really is true, the old saying "you want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" If we, as humans, can't really handle the truth or don't want it, the result is that we end up lying to each other.

This applies to your friend who, as Saintess said, is probably lonely. When people get lonely, they do stupid things. The only real solution is to learn to pay attention to people and to reward truth. If someone wants to be honest with you, then you need to respond by being closer and caring more. If she finds out that truth merely pushes people away, that will teach her what people really want, and she'll join the rest of humanity in lying.

So far, I've found very few people who can really deal with truth, despite a number of them claiming they want that. At this stage, it all depends on whether you want to help the person, or shut them out of your life. One is the obvious easier decision.
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Old 2010-05-06, 23:58   Link #16
Master_Yoma
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Make up a bigger lie and try to make her end it or just move far away
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Old 2010-05-07, 00:04   Link #17
SaintessHeart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Everyone I've encountered lies or manipulates to some degree. Even if it's just not telling you something you need to know. I think it really is true, the old saying "you want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" If we, as humans, can't really handle the truth or don't want it, the result is that we end up lying to each other.

This applies to your friend who, as Saintess said, is probably lonely. When people get lonely, they do stupid things. The only real solution is to learn to pay attention to people and to reward truth. If someone wants to be honest with you, then you need to respond by being closer and caring more. If she finds out that truth merely pushes people away, that will teach her what people really want, and she'll join the rest of humanity in lying.

So far, I've found very few people who can really deal with truth, despite a number of them claiming they want that. At this stage, it all depends on whether you want to help the person, or shut them out of your life. One is the obvious easier decision.
I do agree wholly with the part about handling the truth. It takes some kind of nut and gut to handle it properly.

And that's why only a handful of people can profit from playing the stock market. They know they are wrong in their speculations and cut losses immediately.
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When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2010-05-07, 00:28   Link #18
Zawa
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Slap a bitch.
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Old 2010-05-07, 00:38   Link #19
Throne Invader
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It'd be a better idea to ask her what she thinks her main problem is but in a nice way of course. Most likely she's developed a personality disorder. I just had a Psychology subject last semester and she fits in the histrionic description. I wouldn't recommend her to go to a therapist as of yet. I just think she needs people to talk to and help her find the core of why she's acting like this.
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Old 2010-05-07, 02:11   Link #20
Kafriel
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Quote:
When people get lonely, they do stupid things.
Lonely people don't backbite at everyone, and if you take a look at the given examples, we've got: L (the liar) being friends with M's (Miko's) friends and her. She doesn't just lie to them, she pits one against the other, which naturally means that M's friends would stop being L's friends after a while. I think L is trying to alienate M from her other friends and monopolize her attention and friendship in a very obsessive way...and that's the good theory. The bad theory is that she gets some twisted pleasure from watching people fight over her (or her stories, which extend to her), BUT since I'm no specialist, I wouldn't know for sure.
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