(in broken english): Hello, my name is....
Me: Who is this?
S: I am from the Windows Security Department and I would like to inform you that your computer has been sending out information that it has been infected by a virus
Me: Really? What kind of virus?
S: Dragon
Me: What? I didn't hear you?
S: D-r-a-g-o-n
Me: Oh, you mean trojan.

S: Yes.
Me: Where is the virus though?
S: Yes, antiviruses only scan your hard disk. This virus resides in your Windows Configuration and is not on your hard drive so your antivirus cannot find it.
Me: Oh my. It's not on my hard drive... Where is it then? Is it in my ram?
S: No, it is in the Windows Configuration. If you go to your Control Panel, you will see the system log
Me: You mean event log.
S: Yes. The Event log keeps track of all the activity in the computer

Me: But it wouldn't keep track of viruses would it?
S: Sir, may I give you instructions on how to remove the virus.
Me: Sure, but shouldn't you know which version of Windows I have?
S: It works for all versions of Windows
Me: Well I am not sure about that. Windows versions are quite different! Since you know I'm infected by a virus, you should know which version I have.
S: Sir it doesn't matter. Our fix will work for
Me: I don't know. i just want to make sure about comparability.

S: .....
(pauses)
S: Yes, you have Windows 8.
Me: I don't have Windows 8.
S: That's because you have upgraded it to 10.
Me: I don't have that either. Can you take another guess?
S: You have windows 7.
Me: No, I actually have XP (actually, I have 7)
S: Anyhow, can I give you the instructions.
Me: Sure!
S: Go to the start menu and right click my computer
Me: Right click?
S: Yes
Me: How do you right click?
S: You just click the right mouse button
Me: My mouse has only one button.
S: Your mouse only has one button? (pauses)
Me: Oh, my right click is broken. I only left click.
/leaves phone on desk for 5 minutes
Me: Are you still there? I have to go to the bathroom
/click