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shelter shelter is offline

Every word must conjure

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Showing Visitor Messages 11 to 20 of 84
  1. revan5
    2010-08-10 12:29
    revan5
    Shelter, I just edited the former "Epilogue" into the Prologue of the new work. Some edits were made, and should solve almost all of your prior issues in your review. You can find the the Prologue of "The Silver-eyed Empress" in the thread just under your last review. Don't expect chapter 1 of this new work for awhile though (two weeks at minimum).
  2. revan5
    2010-08-08 13:58
    revan5
    Thank goodness I cleaned that Epilogue up before you reviewed it. At least fixing it up now will be quite easy. Good to get the feedback. Expect something improved to be up within a few days. With regards to the "womanizer", Colonel Tusk, I expect to cut only a little. The reason being he's going to play an integral part in book 2. As for the princesses, well, they can be chopped quite easily.

    Oh, and while you're writing, have some fun seeing all the revisions done to Chapters 1-9 since you reviewed them. I assure you the improvements will make it well worth your time. Thanks for all your selfless reviewing-it made this story dramatically better.

    I just had an idea. I'm considering changing the "Epilogue" to the "Prologue" of book 2. Things would fit better, and the ending would be even more satisfying to book 1. I'd move over some of the stuff from chapter 9 (scenes with Rubel at the end) and post them in before the empress' scene). I'd also clean up and simplify the empress' scene, plus as it was a Prologue, the heightened tensions would work well. Does that sound like a good idea?

    Oh, quick question. I've got a few different titles I'm thinking for book 2. Let me know which would interest you more in picking up the book and reading.

    "Claymore: New World Order"

    "Claymore: Rise of the Romanows"

    "Claymore: Imperial Dawn"
  3. revan5
    2010-08-05 17:07
    revan5
    Quote:
    Thanks for this. It makes it much easier to read. I still haven't read too much of it but I will .
    Can I safely assume it was you awarding this positive reputation point?

    I just checked over the story, and its length is now down 13 pages from just over 181 to 168 pages. Chapters 1-9 are now "Shelterified", so I am pretty damn sure I won't be hearing complaints about too many excessive details in those chapters, right Shelter? I'm about to fix up the Epilogue, which could lose 1/2 page of its 12 page length as I clean up and simplify it. Given how much has been improved, I can only imagine you'll find the new chapter 9 a much more enjoyable experience. At the very least you'll find it a shorter ordeal, although I'm pretty sure chucking 3 pages of excess plot/details is going to prevent most complaints. As for those other chapters, well, I'll leave the hopefully much more enjoyable "re-viewing" (pun intended) up to you. All of those chapters are now shorter, easier to understand, contain fixes for various plot holes/issues you and others have pointed out, and even plot additions you never thought of. Chapter 3 in particular has some nice scenes with Natalie you might enjoy.

    Here's an analogy for you about finally getting a chapter right on (It's in the 91st minute, and the US is minutes away from a heartbreaking World Cup exit when suddenly they go from out to top of their group and into the final 16): http://www.twitvid.com/SSHNL "Oh, it's incredible! You could not write a script like this!"
  4. revan5
    2010-08-02 02:10
    revan5
    Oh don't worry Shelter, I was referring to you being the literary equivalent of Michael Strahan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-J9NvAalco "Trust me, I've sent people to the doctor!" After you sent chapter 8 to the doctor, I found it was necessary to "perform life-saving 'surgery'" on chapter 8. Of course chapter 8 came out looking a lot better, so maybe it was a good brush with death. Chapter 9 is now looking much improved, at a much healthier 15 pages and a few lines rather than 18 1/2 pages the prior version had. It is easier to follow, less tedious, more to the point, more "fairy tale", and I personally guarantee it's a much better read. You see Shelter, good things do come to those who wait (for their feedback to produce results) .

    You can go ahead and do a review of the Epilogue, which could probably use your constructive criticism. In the meantime I'll clean up chapters 1, 2, & 3, then head over to chapters 6, 7, and 8 for some more comprehensive edits. I'm aiming to cut around half a page in needless details from each chapter, so I can only hope you prefer the results to the old stuff. I may cut more or less, it just depends on whether the chapter needs it. Many thanks on your fine feedback, which, if my story is any guide, would better be deployed fixing Yagi's story-telling in this most recent chapter. Hey, I know it's his work, but honestly, I preferred Claymore for being more "understated" than "shock and awe".

    FYI-I updated the portrayal of Galatea after hearing Weird D's take, and also worked on fixing the Claire/Raki plot hole. Both critiques will be completely addressed once chapters 6, 7, and 8 are finally polished. Once you review the Epilogue and I've got all the chapters ready, you may want to do your "final recommendations" on each chapter. I suppose once those final recommendations are acted on, it'll be time to "shock and awe" the fanfiction.net crowd. I can only hope they like the result a lot, as we've spent quite a bit of time into creating one hell of a story. I remembered what you said about Yosei's "Imperial Fire" being in its own category. Having realized my story doesn't read at all like his, I can only hope it too will merit its "own category".
  5. shelter
    2010-08-01 03:49
    shelter
    Thanks. I'm not a "doctor" so no need to take my advice too seriously. I get a bit worried when you chop/ cut things down just because I find it different/ unusual/ out of place.. But we'll see.

    Where shall I leave the comments to your "cleaned up" chapters? On your profile? Or to boost posts in the Fanfiction thread?
  6. revan5
    2010-07-30 00:19
    revan5
    I've "Shelterified" Chapter 4, so I'd be amazed if you had major complaints after I chopped 2 pages of unnecessary and overly long details. Of course, it still comes in at 19 pages, but hey, this is an "epic fanfiction", so I can't chop it down to the bone. I did a comprehensive edit on chapter 4, slimming it down, fixing POV issues, making it flow better, and tweaking the plot slightly. I even nixed the Tabitha/Clarice conversation about Miata that you didn't like! If this doesn't come close to mostly satisfying you, I don't know what will. I hope you can appreciate just how much work I've put into making you happy with this. If it doesn't come off reading far better than the last version you saw I'd be amazed (I'm still crossing my fingers for good luck).

    Chapter 4: http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...postcount=3795
    http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...postcount=3796

    For your enjoyment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKlucE-5nIM
  7. revan5
    2010-07-29 16:48
    revan5
    Shelter, many thanks on the review. Between you and Weird D, I'll have enough work to keep me busy this week. I was very happy you found the plot not to be a major problem in chapter 9, and will be editing it down to size shortly. I'll be addressing Weird D's concerns plot-wise in my revisions to chapters 5, 6, 7, and 8, although there won't be too many major changes to keep track of. After that I guess I'll be working on fixing the Epilogue up after you review that.

    I've been doing some extensive revisals to POV, grammar, syntax, and even a little plot on chapters 1-4. I even did similar modifications to Chapter 9 and the Epilogue, though they didn't fix the florid details' issue you noticed. Once I've gotten everything fixed up, perhaps you'll want to take a glimpse back and find anything else you think needs "thwacking" or revisal. My goal, once I've corrected the major issues you and Weird D discussed, is to pare down the details. I'll be proactive in doing it, but as always, if you could recommend me sections to either cut down to size or remove, I'd be most grateful.
  8. revan5
    2010-07-22 00:45
    revan5
    Ok, I just posted some big edits to chapter 8 the other day, and before you read too far, I want you to know I recently added some minor-to-modest revisions to both Chapter 9 and the Epilogue. Be sure to check out how your review affected the new version of chapter 8 when you want to, and while I'm sure you'll come up with plenty to fix in Chapter 9 and the Epilogue, I somehow doubt they'll be the "problem children" Chapters 7 & 8 were. I'll be revising chapter 3 while awaiting your review in the hope that someday you might say that it's a good epic fanfiction. After that I no doubt will be fixing issues in Chapter 9 & the Epilogue once your reviews are in. Thanks a million for those btw, as they really helped in improving the plot, my grammar, and the whole novel.
  9. revan5
    2010-07-11 23:29
    revan5
    Just finished with a chapter 5 edit, so I'm now officially working on your chapter 8 feedback for improving the chapter. I've chopped about 3 pages so far, and will be writing in a new section or two of lesser lengths that should provide a better dynamic to the battle. I left out the scene with Nadia/Helen finding Renee to add some more uncertainty, and I'll be trying to follow your suggestions as much as possible elsewhere. Expect it to take around a week for the chapter to be ready. In the meantime feel free to review chapter 9 and the Epilogue.
  10. revan5
    2010-07-09 02:11
    revan5
    Chapter 7 edits are done, so check back on the chapter to see what you think of it. You may notice some strong efforts to respond to your feedback. It's looking much improved to me, but maybe I missed something. Just let me know if you find anything egregiously wrong in the updated Chapter 7. However, that said, I think you'll find it far better reading. Maybe even good enough to invite certain comparisons. Of course, bear in mind, there are other opinions on Yosei's epic, and not all of them flattering, like Shiek's. I guess "taste" varies dramatically in literature.

About Me

  • About shelter
    Gender
    Male
    Biography
    24, Christian, student, writer, runner. Also macham relax
    Location
    City of No Yesterdays
    Interests
    Prose, poetry, cross-country running, hockey, tchuokball, tea, slacking,
    Occupation
    Student, Runs for kicks
    Favourites
    Claymore
    Tista
    Basilisk
    Mononoke-Hime
    Double Arts
    Sidooh
    Bleach
    Vinland Saga
    Deadman Wonderland
    Dogs: Bullets & Carnage
    Dance in the Vampire Bund
    Shingrui

    --------------------------------------
    Spirited Away
    Howl's Moving Castle
    Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
    Toki O Kakeru Shojo
    5cm Per Second
    Kite
    The Sky Crawlers
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    Hikayat Fiction

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