Like what I see from what you sent me; I question the grammar, but I usually don't grate people about that too much, since grammar and style go hand and hand. Still, I would check to see the structure, and how everything is written etc etc to see if it's how you want it, because from my opinion, it looks like it needs work.
Otherwise, looks great; can only guess at the story from what you've shown me, but it looks interesting