Synopsis:
Erika is a tall, elegant honor student and a closet gamer who is secretly obsessed with cute little critters. Mina is a short, brash girl who flaunts herself as a gamer and pays no heed to others.
Normally, the two would have nothing to do with each other. But, when a virtual “Grim Reaper’s curse” afflicts Mina in the real world – everything goes to hell.
The two girls form an unlikely pair as they dive into the harsh virtual reality of God Vessel Online. There, the insane characters and notorious flowers are just the beginning of their fun virtual experience that will gradually bleed into their real lives.
Links:
I have no plans for hosting the webnovel on my website at the moment, so you can read it on one of these websites:
3. Snusnu?
Femdom, lesbian, BDSM, gangbang. All the things.
... or none! :p
Ruki0089
2016-08-21 07:21
Usual questions please ~~
*Edit:
Ah... nope never mind
DarkClaymore
2016-08-21 07:48
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruki0089
(Post 5927401)
Usual questions please ~~
What are the usual questions? May as well learn for future reference (maybe some will be relevant here too)
SereneSolace
2016-08-21 12:45
The usual questions. Mostly applicable when the MC is male, but here we go.
Quote:
1. OP?
Probably not.
2. Harem?
No... well, there will probably be a harem of fluffy cats later down the road.
3. Snusnu?
No.
Only 3 chapters with 2 female MC's, so the usual questions are pretty much irrelevant lol. The gamer, Mina is maybe OP but there aren't enough chapters to tell yet. Looks like an interesting start.
DarkClaymore
2016-08-22 13:52
Well, I hope I sufficiently adressed all the common questions.
Chapter 4 is out
My updates will gradually slow down from now on. I aim to release one chapter every 4 days at the worst, but for now I'll probably be faster than that.
Chapter 8
> Erika grieves in pain and collapsed on the floor.
Present tense in a past tense chapter. Dunno why but this one really jumped out at me.
The first 7 chapters felt too long for introductions. Still waiting for the story to start... well, it's not so much the length but the mini arc about the MMO contest. Narratively long?
Generally though, the story isn't as well written as Tsundere Android (TA). Here's a more in depth analysis for Ch8, with comparisons to TA:
Spoiler:
Primary among the problems is style. Take the following paragraph:
Quote:
Erika shook the girl’s arm. There was no response. Erika took out her phone and googled “How to safely remove Vocean ”. She followed the simple instructions: she flipped off the “Virtual Dive” switch, she waited for a green light and then she carefully removed the headgear.
Each of the actions here are described in exactly the same sentence structure. Erika does *something*. And then Erika does something else.
Now to choose a few other paragraphs:
Quote:
Mina glared at the distressed Erika in suspicion. Mina grabbed an empty bottle and swung it like a blade, to threaten the big, black troll in front of her.
Quote:
Erika gritted her teeth. She was drawn to her wit’s end. She took a few gulps from the water bottle in her hand, then relaxed herself with a deep breath.
Quote:
She weakly swung her short arm, like a lazy kitten trying to reach catnip. Putting aside their differences for now, Erika stretched her long arm toward the bottles.
These aren't as bad (each one is better than the previous, to make the progression obvious). The sentence structure varies a bit more, although they're still following the same basic form of "Subject does X to Object", maybe with an extra thing in front or behind. This makes the text read disjointedly. The flow starts and stops at the end of each sentence because the sentences don't join up.
/without varying structure
The sentence structure varies a bit more. They still follow the same basic form. This makes the text read disjointedly, the flow starts and stops.
You can see the difference here I hope. I've exaggerated the effect of course, but this is present throughout chapter 8.
Now, if we see TA (from ch27):
Quote:
As I’m about to grab the Lego bricks, I’m reminded that I’m still holding Lily’s remote; her Tsundere meter is still set to 1 for my convenience.
She is undoubtedly deredere in this mode, very affable and snuggly. She makes even cuter and softer expressions than ever before.
Nevertheless, this isn’t how she should be.
She is a tsundere, being dere is only one part of her. This feature was useful for setting things straight, but now I should return her back to the REAL Lily.
I press the button with a plus sign and level up the Tsundere meter to 3, to the usual half-tsun and half-dere girl. Lily freezes for a couple of seconds like last time, then quickly snaps out of it.
Here, the sentences are more varied, with thoughts and descriptions. There are even some nice portions; ", very affable and snuggly" stands alone and breaks the flow in a way that emphasizes that phrase.
If you read it to yourself, it's very clear that this section from TA has a much better rhythm than most of ch8 of GVO.
Don't take this wrong, a close analysis like this might seem like I'm saying the entire story is written badly but this is not true. Generally, I pick the worst examples because they make the problem easier to spot. The rest of the text is better, of course.
I sometimes do this sort of analysis as a way to help improve my own writing. It helps me to be aware of stylistic concerns. An area that I admit I also need work in.
More general comments:
It seems like you want to write this story in present tense?
Certain points like the SAO reference jump out of the perspective. It stops being Erika and her thoughts and starts being about Erika and her thoughts. To put it another way, that section was in the POV of the narrator instead of the POV of Erika. That's despite showing us Erika's train of thought.
See chapter 7's portion around Sophy being cute. It doesn't jump out of POV there.
Descriptions and other effects (GROWL in particular) are overexaggerated? Maybe? It might be a tone you are intending, but it makes the story feel much less serious. If you were intending it to be lighthearted comedy then sure, that works I guess. But previous chapters didn't give me that impression. Or they just had a less comedic tone. Not sure.
DarkClaymore
2016-08-29 16:58
@jseah: Thanks for taking your time to point all of this out. It's rare to receive a well-deserved dose of criticism through RRL.
I admit that I'm far from my comfort zone in this story, as my preference is present tense and 1st person POV. But, I learned that there are various benefits to 3rd person POV and to past tense, which I believe fit this story more. If I don't start getting used to them now, then I'll never know how to use them properly. Which is why I try my best to work with them, despite my obvious inexperience.
Quote:
Here's a more in depth analysis for Ch8, with comparisons to TA:
Spoiler:
Thanks a lot for pointing this out :bow: I doubt I would have noticed any of this myself. In 1st person, I have the problem of "not shutting up" with the MC's thoughts, which is a common 1st person mistake as far as I know. So, I had to practice how to write more "to the point". This mentality seem to have carried over to my 3rd person writing, where it's not needed as much.
I tried to improve the examples you gave, but I doubt I'll manage to overcome this issue overnight. Hopefully, with enough writing, I'll kill this problem.
Quote:
Certain points like the SAO reference jump out of the perspective.
Spoiler:
Hmm... could please you give me a specific sentence that stuck out to you? I vaguely understand what you mean, but I just can't seem to attach that to any part in the chapter.
Quote:
It might be a tone you are intending, but it makes the story feel much less serious.
Spoiler:
I actually thought I was doing a proper job of establishing a comical tone in the story from the get-go. Granted, Erika doesn't have as many comical events in her life, but I tried to paint many of the events in a humorous way.
I suspect you mean that the scene with Mina feels more "cartoony', which is intended. She's just bizarre and brings things up to eleven.
Quote:
The first 7 chapters felt too long for introductions.
Spoiler:
I constantly criticize my own long introductions, the same happened with my previous story as well. I just... can't fix this bad habit. I tried to spice things up with an action-y first chapter, but seems like that wasn't good enough either... *sigh*.
jseah
2016-08-29 18:02
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClaymore
(Post 5934049)
@jseah: Thanks for taking your time to point all of this out. It's rare to receive a well-deserved dose of criticism through RRL.
I admit that I'm far from my comfort zone in this story, as my preference is present tense and 1st person POV. But, I learned that there are various benefits to 3rd person POV and to past tense, which I believe fit this story more. If I don't start getting used to them now, then I'll never know how to use them properly. Which is why I try my best to work with them, despite my obvious inexperience.
No problem, practice makes perfect after all!
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClaymore
(Post 5934049)
I tried to improve the examples you gave, but I doubt I'll manage to overcome this issue overnight. Hopefully, with enough writing, I'll kill this problem.
The section reads much better now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClaymore
(Post 5934049)
Hmm... could please you give me a specific sentence that stuck out to you? I vaguely understand what you mean, but I just can't seem to attach that to any part in the chapter.
It's not so much a specific sentence as more like a vague feeling like you say.
If I had to pinpoint it:
Quote:
She naturally responded to an otaku reference without noticing.
Quote:
Erika almost triggered a death flag just now.
Are like someone outside the story pointing in. The second sentence has more of this effect.
But the surrounding sentences also help create the 'jumping out' effect. Just by themselves, these two don't do it.
mmmm It's hard to say.
Quote:
I actually thought I was doing a proper job of establishing a comical tone in the story from the get-go. Granted, Erika doesn't have as many comical events in her life, but I tried to paint many of the events in a humorous way.
I suspect you mean that the scene with Mina feels more "cartoony', which is intended. She's just bizarre and brings things up to eleven.
Yeah, cartoony is the right word. It's like we have gone from SAO in it's more comedic moments to... Zero no Tsukaima?
Basically, they're both light hearted, but they're not the same kind of light-hearted.
Quote:
I constantly criticize my own long introductions, the same happened with my previous story as well. I just... can't fix this bad habit. I tried to spice things up with an action-y first chapter, but seems like that wasn't good enough either... *sigh*.
Actually, I think the action in the MMO might have made things worse (for me at least). The whole chapter where Erika plays an MMO seems pointless since we all know she's going to end up playing GVO anyway.
It's less pointless if the other guy is going to play GVO with her but we also know that Mina and Erika are the MCs, so the reader (read: me) cares less about what happens to this other guy.
Mina's action parts are fine. She's one of the MCs, and she introduces GVO, so that's fine.
DarkClaymore
2016-08-30 13:24
Quote:
It's not so much a specific sentence as more like a vague feeling like you say.
Spoiler:
This is a tough one. I personally imagine the examples you gave as an extension of Erika's thoughts. It's true that the narrative conveys the info, but it's something that I imagine Erika herself to think, only without stating it "out loud" in her mind.
For example:
Quote:
She naturally responded to an otaku reference without noticing.
Is something that I imagine would go in Erika's head like this:
Quote:
I just responded to an otaku reference as if it's normal!
Thoughts like that are weird IMO. Erika already knows why she's surprised, so to make her say this thought "out loud' feels off. She doesn't need to explain to herself why she's shocked. At the same time, not explaining this at all may confuse some readers.
Are there any other techniques you're familiar with to present such scenarios?
Quote:
Actually, I think the action in the MMO might have made things worse (for me at least). The whole chapter where Erika plays an MMO seems pointless since we all know she's going to end up playing GVO anyway.
Spoiler:
I agree that it feels less important during the intro. It's just a convenient way for me to show that Erika plays video games and likes to mess around. One would think that I could show all of this when she plays GoVe, but... it'll soon become apparent that GoVe isn't quite your usual MMORPG :hyper-^v^:
I must say, the story's gotten better after the introduction arcs.
DarkClaymore
2016-09-16 15:02
Quote:
Originally Posted by jseah
(Post 5946006)
I must say, the story's gotten better after the introduction arcs.
I was actually scared of the opposite to be honest, as I wasn't sure how fluid would the RL-VR transition feel. Most VR stories jump right into VR and that feels fine, but I spent quite a while in RL before getting there.
Xacual
2016-09-16 16:31
Dakka's story is indeed quite fun. I'm curious to see what Erika gets as her first real pet since I don't think the fairy or whatever will be one.
