Hmm haven't been here for a while. It's good to see the range of fics has grown since the last time I posted in here. Back then it was a lot of Satashi and not much else
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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin
"Hence the reason your tactical support isn't breaking down the doors or firing snipe shots through the walls in the displays of conspicuous heroism they show on the broadcast cop shows," javelin noted. "Your Captain Cobalt has been quite the irritant to me over the past two years, and I think that the corpses of his undercover agents, consigned to death by his own arrogance and carelessness, will be a satisfying message to leave for him."
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That was the only thing that I could spot in terms of anything wrong with this chapter. Not capitalising his name.
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6. I get the distressing idea that the fact that the unwelcome guest in Cobalt's van is Fate is painfully obvious long before Bardiche speaks his trademark phrase. Since the whole point of not mentioning her by name was so that when Bardiche speaks up, the reader goes off into a "Waah! Feito-chan!" moment of squee, would it work better to actually have her introduced outright, described, etc.? Or does it still work the way it's supposed to despite itself?
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Looking back on it, it seems fairly obvious to me who the intruder is, but only after reaching Bardiche's line. Although I'm not sure if that was just because of me not paying enough attention to the fic. I think it should be fine as it is though.
Liingo