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In my opinion, the difference in Shepard's gender should not be noticable through Shepard's actions, but rather the actions of those around Shepard. Shepard is who we make of him or her. It is the player who forges Shepard into the character he or she is, and that should not change. Violent or kind, patient or reckless, gay or straight, we as the player should determine these qualities.
That does not mean, however, that the same thing goes for the characters around us. Yes, we define the character of Shepard, but the people inhabiting the Mass Effect galaxy have their own personalities. Personalities we do not control. These people could, and in my opinion should, be the key to defining the difference between male and female Shepard.
For example, a stubborn stereotyped NPC might be more reluctant to trust a female Shepard in combat, or a guard might be easier persuaded by a female Shepard to let her pass. A male Shepard might get into more ego-fueled fights during his conversations in a bar, or have more trouble with a certain infamous reporter.
On the romantic front, just because our Shepard is gay or straight should not change the romantic priorities of the characters around her. This is one of the pitfalls Dragon Age 2 fell into, making almost everyone both straight and gay, and was played much better in Origins with Zevran and Liliana. We should not be able to romance everyone because we want to, but also because the characters we try to romance want to.
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