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This is overall great stuff. I'm not knowledgeable regarding the making of manga nor do I know what this competition you're entering is asking for, but here are some of my thoughts:
- I really like the character designs, especially for the girls. Luna has those really mesmerizing eyelashes that is usually found on foreign/exotic light-haired characters in manga.
- The way you've layout and paneled the manga in this draft reminds me of comic books more than manga. I think this has to do with how every panel seems to be very busy, and this is especially noticeable during the battle scenes. It's like you drew lots of entire illustrations on a rectangular canvas and crammed them into panels. Your drawings very neatly fill up the spaces in the panels, and there is little use of white space. I think this may affect the reading of the manga.
- At the end it felt a little weird when Luna was about to get on her ride, the MC stopped her, there was a conversation between the two, then suddenly she was already riding away.
- I do feel like the narrative was a bit fast. I'd argue the 17 pages of content you have here is more than enough for a 30 page second chapter of a Jump manga series.
Overall I really like the concept of parodying those online game anime. There are some stuff I think you can work on but I'm sure you are mostly aware of them. The character designs are also pretty nice (really like the outfits), and I assume they'll look even better after you apply the final lineart and screen-tones. Best of luck for the competition!
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