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Old 2013-02-27, 20:18   Link #22
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 61
I think watching you improve over the seven chapters is almost as interesting as the story. Massive improvements.

I'd recommend you go back and overhaul the first few chapters so they match the quality of your more recent chapters, in terms of story content, descriptions, and formatting.

You're not using 'standard grammar rules' (especially on dialog) but you're very consistent so it is quite easy to read anyway.

For the moment, I'd suggest putting a space outside of quote marks:
“Mr.Klein”Ricardo called out, ---> "Mr. Klein!" Ricardo called out,

amplify his voice,”we are facing ---> amplify his voice. "We are facing
Makes it a little easier to read.

Make use of punctuation to end sentences, especially for questions or shouts:

"What the hell!?"
"Where might you be going?"
"That's quite a cat."
"Maybe. What are ... oh my goodness!"
The story is a good fast paced read.
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