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Old 2009-09-29, 01:34   Link #20082
Lucky Bastard
Join Date: Oct 2007
Back from the dead to give a few comments, take it as you may Kaisos. University will be the end of me!

Good write-up. I love the dialogue in this one, especially Itsuko's fourth-wall-shattering remark. Pacing is good too. I love how different yet similar the tone is between Kyon's narration and Kyonko's. Good job.

However, something has bugged me ever since you posted the parts full of green text a few months(?) ago: you seem to like it a lot... Perhaps a little too much? Especially when Kyonko's turning crazy. I understand the tone and rhythm is part of the narrative... But if you slip key plot elements in there, there's a big risk people will do like I did on my first read-up: they'll skip most of it. LONG LIVE THE GREEN, but keep the reader in mind.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon View Post
This, in turn, is because Itsuko is the hottest thing in this game, and Kyon is very, very shallow.
Find me a 16-year-old boy who isn't shallow in some way. People tend to forget Kyon's actual age... The guy's just full of hormones!
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