Quote:
Originally Posted by asaqe
It tends to happen, I know I am not a great writer anyways. And my greatest weakness is portray the personality of others. I am more comfortable working on my own characters than with other members of the cast.
Spoiler for Origin Story: Empyrean:
"Alright, here's the mission from Vertex..."
A map shows it was pointed somewhat in the Balkans.
"A MT attack team recently broken into a military base we designated "Station Alpha", your mission is to get in there and eliminate the MTs and any opposition in the area. "
Several MT Models are shown
"You got your work cut out for you, as you may know they are attacking in MT88s, Crest MT models which are highlighted for their durability. But I am sure you can handle them."
The screen turns back to the Vertex Logo.
"This assignment will prove that ACs are an excellent alternative to the lewd looking powered armor called Infinite Stratos. We are expecting top notch performance from you..."
The screen flicks off...
Somewhere in the Balkans
"Alright, that's the target area we are dropping you off at, your objectives are clear: Take out all hostiles and do it before the IS arrives, the Mirage AC "Prophet" will be loaned out to you for this mission. Complete the mission and it will be yours to keep."
"What's up with Vertex's generosity? They are pretty desperate to give me a 3rd Generation AC, this thing is pretty good though. Despite being a lightweight AC, it has the firepower of a Tank, a Pixie-3 Machinegun with a Fairy-Submachine gun as the main weapons while equipped with dual Nymphs. Forget Prophet this should be called "Fairy Dust...wait the mission is starting. THIS IS EMPYREAN! ENGAGING HOSTILE FORCES!
MAIN SYSTEM ENGAGING COMBAT MODE!
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.................Okay, characterization issues aside, you clearly are as lost in the sauce as a mook in a dark forest without a map. Are you trying to give us a script for a movie, or are you trying to write a story? If it's the latter, you need to go learn the basics of storytelling, man.
Written fiction is more than just dialogue. You have a setting, tone, pacing, themes, narration, scenes, transitions, descriptors, characters, and vice-versa. The above jargon could have been an actual "Scene" and not bunch of what-have-you dialogue had you taken the time to storyboard and visualize what you are trying to communicate to the reader, then put it into words.
It does not have to be exact to every last nitty, gritty detail, but you need to give us something to work with here. Hell, why do we even care who this Empyrean guy is? What does he look like? What's he wearing? How he's feeling? Where is he when he's receiving this transmission? Etc.
These are the sort of things you need to think about, and it's just the tip of the iceberg. Storytelling is an art form. I don't expect you to "Get it" overnight, but as long as you take what I got to say and try to find out more for yourself, instead of just clinging to lame excuses, you will improve.
Now, let me tell you how I would have executed the material you have just put out.
First off, I'd set the scene by either describing Empyrean's surroundings, or preferably, begin "the moment" with some philosophical / thematic characterization. Anything, really, to get the reader's attention. The former is serviceable but I think the latter is much better.
But, hey, let's go with describing Empyrean's surroundings. Now, assuming this is the first time we're meeting him, I would not have the narrator give away his identity immediately. Instead, he'd be just a pilot inside the cockpit of an AC, which is loaded in the cargo bay of a military transport.
You ever rode in a plane before? Well, start with that and then make the description a lot more ugly and less comfortable, since this is a military aircraft. Doesn't help that an AC's cockpit is awfully cluttered too. Lots of hi-tech, if utilitarian display screens and widgets just blasting you with glare that reflects right in the visor of your helmet.
It's through these screens and the operator barking his ear off that the Raven is receiving his briefing, as the bird is rocked ever so often by turbulence. Idle radio chatter in the background from the air crew on the flight deck. Cockpit's kinda cold too...if you know what I'm saying.
I'd go into even more detail, but I think just from this train of thought, you can imagine what follows naturally. Being airdropped from 20,000+ feet in the air is quite a rush, even if you are inside a 7-meter tall walking death machine, with machineguns and missile launchers.
...Oh, and one more thing, lay off the AC nomenclature for weapons. New readers won't have a clue what they look like. If you're gonna give us the name, then you need to describe them and give out a few handy specs as to why we should care about what would otherwise be a trite info dump.
Good luck.