I am called Houjou Satoko.
However, the family name Houjou is from my current father. I was also once known as Hata Satoko, Yoshizawa Satoko, and Matsuura Satoko depending on my previous fathers. Because of this, I still am not used to people referring me as Houjou-san. If they call me Satoko, I realize that they are addressing me.
I do not understand why my mother periodically marries and divorces every now and then.
If she’s going to divorce, then she shouldn’t have married in the first place.
If she’s going to marry again, then she shouldn’t have divorced in the first place.
I’ve asked her this question several times, but her reaction was different depending on the time.
When I asked her when she was married, she got angry at me.
When I asked her when she was divorced, she broke down and cried.
I do not understand the meaning of marriage. I have no interest in it like the other kids who draw pictures of a newly wed bride and wedding dresses. I probably won’t marry either. If I have my own child, I don’t want to put my child situation where he or she has to change his or her name all the time.
My teacher asked me if I loved my mother. This was when I was going to kindergarten in Okinomiya. This was a very difficult question to me. I couldn’t decide because there were times I really loved my mother and other times where I really hated my mother.
When my mother is kind, she is always has a smile on her face. She makes us happy. She says that I was the best gift that she could ever have.
But when my mother is not kind, she is always irritated. She harshly quibbles us. She says that I should’ve never been born.
My teacher also asked me if I loved my father. This was a really easy question for me. There were times I hated my father and other times where I really hated my father, so in either case I really hated him.
My new fathers always treated me kindly at first; right after my mother marries him. They always tell me that I can refer to them like my real father. However, there is no way that they can be my real father. Besides, I don’t even remember how my real father looked like. How the hell then can I call them to be my real father? How? It just disgusts me.
Right before divorce, my fathers were irritated all the time. They treat me like a cockroach. They throw objects at me while yelling that they don’t bring home the money to feed me and shut me outside from the veranda as I go hungry.
However, my teachers tell me that that was all in the past, so you can go ahead and just forget about it. I believe it was a different teacher by this time.
Maybe that’s true. Ever since Houjou became my father, my mother is always in a great mood. I haven’t seen them get into a large argument as I have seen happen just before a divorce. …There a little quarrels here and there, but those don’t lead up to a divorce as it did before. They just make up and become friends again.
But I’m sure the talk of divorce will come up again sooner or later. Then, it’s all the usual stuff about family court, arbitration for divorce settlements, shooting the moon, child support, and the like. Hence, I don’t know how long Houjou will be my father, so I don’t dare call him that.
He too, was very kind to me at first. But since I didn’t call him “dad” like he wanted me to, he became irritated. See? Then it’s all divorce again. If my father gets into that irritated mode, it sets the stage for divorce. And if it comes down to divorce, it is now my mother’s turn to start getting irritated. And it’s the same thing over again; she yells at me saying things like “I should’ve aborted you” and that it’s “All your fault that I can never be happy.”
Is it all really my fault for being born that caused such troubles for my mom?
I asked my brother that, and he told me this. Chances of re-marrying are very difficult if she has a child. And since marriage is the most important job that mom has, I understood that it is very tough when having kids at her side. I think I finally understood the reason why I am a nuisance to her.
So, I asked my brother another question. Why are such children hated by their new fathers? He answered it very simply. It’s all because his role in the family is different. Mom’s job is to love her children. A father’s job is to love mom. So basically, I’m just a nuisance to both my mom and my father.
My brother is much more mature than me, so he isn’t looked down as a nuisance than I am. But, I think, no, I’m certain, no, I am a nuisance to them.
So I finally have it all figured out. Mom and my father wishes that I were dead. But if they kill me, the police will come after them, so they don’t kill me off that easily. But, that doesn’t mean that stops them from trying sooner or later.
If I were to peek down on a cliff, and if no one was watching, my mom and my father would definitely push me off the cliff from the behind.
My father suddenly became abnormally kind to me these days. He started acting out that way ever since I faked that call to the child abuse hotline. It disgusts me. I’m certain it’s all part of a plot to kill me. So, I do my best to not let my guard down.
Hanyu? “…I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….”
These days, I’m beginning to hear someone continuously apologizing. I’m sure that kid is the same as me – an unwanted child who was told by her mom that she should’ve been aborted.
Hanyu?: ““…I’m so sorry!, I’m so sorry!, I’m so sorry!, I’m so sorry!….”
But, I’m not going to apologize like that child. I vow to live. And I’m going to strike back. I’ll kill them first before they get to me.
Hanyu? “…I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….”