View Single Post
Old 2007-01-02, 09:04   Link #31
Is not junk!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Age: 37
Send a message via AIM to Megu-chan
Originally Posted by EnigmaticThief View Post
Having just caught up with the story, Megu-Chan, let me give you another critique:

Things done well:

-- You've done a better job of recreating the general atmosphere found in the actual series. Chapter 17 is the best example of that. Including the vast majority of canon characters also added to that familiarity.

Things to work on:

-- Narration. Right now the voice of narration you use in the story is a bit too familiar, as if you yourself were telling the story. When this happens and your personal biases and excitement slip into phrases of the narration it makes it seem very young and unprofessional.

-- Your chapters are a bit... episodic. I mean that problems tend to introduce themselves and get resolved in very short order. You should think about weaving plotlines together rather than building them up and breaking them down one-at-a-time.
Hmm..ya know I think you may be right with things getting resolved too quick..I wrote half of 18 and 19 in themiddle of the night and was probably half assed asleep. I'll try harder to not make things sound..un professional in the later chapters, xD I guess I did get a little excited about a few things. With the newest problem that going to pester the dolls I'm definately not going to solve it in one or two chapters this time. Your crit has really helped me alot!!! thanks so much!!
Megu-chan is offline