---
It was the next day after school. I was on classroom cleanup duty, so I arrived later than usual at the clubroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Haruki toying around with Asahina-senpai.
Well, I say 'toying around', but what I really mean is something much, much closer to 'sexual assault.'
"Hold still, damnit! You're a slippery one, aren't you, you little bas- Stop moving!"
"N-NooOo! H-help me!!"
Haruki had nearly stripped a struggling Asahina-senpai of his uniform.
"KyaaAAaAA!!!!"
Asahina-senpai shrieked in embarrassment when he saw me. Truth be told, I was also completely stunned for a moment there, which was the only reason I didn't instantly cover my eyes to protect my sanity. Haruki, on the other hand, just raised his head and directed his mischievous smile at me, while Asahina-senpai, to no avail, tried to escape from Haruki's bear hug.
“You're late, Kyon! Can you help me out here for a bit? This guy may be tiny, but he's still-”
Before he completed his sentence, though, I slammed the door shut, finally having regained my senses.
After waiting outside the door for ten minutes, the duet of Asahina-senpai's pitiful (yet cute...) cries and Haruki's mischievous snickering finally came to an end. A few seconds later, the door flew open, and Haruki's face popped out like some twisted version of a Jack-in-the-box.
"What were you waiting for? Come in and check this out!"
I re-entered the room, but stopped in astonishment. There greeting my eyes was the sight of a beautiful maid. I was just about to ask Haruki where he had managed to find her (Internet?) when I realized who it was.
Ashina-senpai slowly, sadly raised his head to look at me, then looked away with tears in his eyes. A white apron coupled with a wavy skirt, a blouse, and white stockings only served to make him more adorable than ever... silently, I started to envy his legs. It really didn't look at all like it was actually a guy in that costume - in fact, the lacy headband and the large butterfly-knot increased his feminine charm to dangerously high levels.
My gods. Such a perfect maid.
"Well? Doesn't he look super cute in this?" Haruki said, as if praising his own handiwork. He patted a tuft of Asahina-senpai's hair into place.
I had to agree. No offense to poor Asahina-senpai, but he really does look really, really cute in that - even though I know that he's a guy. Well, biologically, anyway... I'm not really sure how he's doing on the inside anymore, not after what Haruki's putting him through. That begs a question...
"This costume's great, isn't it?" Haruki demanded, interrupting my train of thought.
"No, it isn't!" Asahina-senpai protested quietly, but I ignored him for the moment and turned to Haruki.
"Why are you dressing him up as a maid?" I asked.
"Because maid costumes are sexy!"
I don't think that's a real answer to my question.
"It took me a long time to think this up, you know?"
Even if you didn't think at all, it wouldn't make much of a difference, you know. I sighed. “Look, you were the one who said we were going to make Asahina-senpai manlier. Exactly HOW does doing this accomplish that?”
"Listen up, Kyon. It's entirely obvious to anybody who sees this guy that he lacks any sort of manly spirit. This is completely unacceptable! All men have the potential to become a Man amongst men! The only thing he needs is a bit of training for the soul. Something to turn him from this..." Haruki waved one arm wildly in Asahina-senpai's direction. “...into THIS!”
With his other hand, he turned the computer's monitor around so that I could see what exactly it was displaying. It was showing the front page of some online magazine, featuring an extremely strong-looking guy with a half-opened shirt, with a hairdo vaguely resembling Asahina-senpai's. What the hell, Haruki. I'll have to ask you for the website address later... wait, what am I thinking about?
"On the other hand," continued Haruki, leaning forward onto the monitor, "if he doesn't, he'll be abused until the end of time by crazies like those Computer Club girls, toyed around with by his friends, bullied by underclassmen and who knows what else? It's all for his own good!"
Do you realize that your current actions fit perfectly into all three of those catagories? And why do I get the feeling you don't give a damn about Asahina-senpai, but you're just doing this for your own twisted sense of enjoyment?
As I was trying to work out how to respond, Haruki slipped the digital camera from before into one hand and started taking souvenir shots.
Asahina-senpai blushed bright red and shrank even further into his chair, shaking his head violently.
"P... please stop that!"
You're wasting your time, Asahina-senpai. Haruki will do whatever he wants regardless of what anybody ever says. Just close your eyes and endure it. It's just pictures at the moment, anyway...
Man. Now he was getting Asahina-senpai to pose for him for his makeshift photo session. He's worse than I thought.
"...uwah..."
"Now look over here, Mitsuuru-kun! Lower your chin a bit! Lift up your apron! Yes, that's a good boy!" Haruki cried, snapping wildly behind the camera and dodging to take pictures from different angles. "Smile a bit more, go on, you can do it!"
Got a maid fetish, Haruki?
Haruki yelled out ceaseless orders in his rapid-fire way with every 'click' of the camera shutter. Hmmm, isn't that the digital camera he'd had us do the blackmailing of the computer club with? If I were to ask him where he'd gotten it from originally, he'd probably say something about 'tribute'. In others words, he'd stolen it.
And amidst Haruki's mad, photo-shooting frenzy, Nagato Yuuki sat quietly in his seat reading like usual. Despite our weird and freakish conversation yesterday, he was as unruffled as always. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I just hoped he didn't go psycho and try and stab me or something.
"Kyon! It's your turn to shoot."
Haruki handed the camera to me and turned towards Asahina-senpai. Then, like an eagle searching for prey, he let his gaze wander over Asahina-senpai's body, until he finally nodded briefly, putting two hands on Asahina-senpai's shoulders.
"Ah...?!"
Haruki gave Asahina-senpai his trademark Cheshire grin.
"Mitsuuru-kun, until you've become manly enough, you're going to have to look as cute as possible, forever! Got it?!”
Haruki suddenly pounced, ripping loose Asahina-senpai's ribbon and quickly unbuttoning three buttons on the front of his blouse. You could see quick glimpses of Asahina-senpai's smooth, hairless chest - he
looked even more like a really flat-chested girl right now.
"W-wait! No! W-what are you doing?!"
"Don't worry, don't worry!" Haruki said, stepping back to see how Asahina-senpai looked from different angles. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"
Of course it matters, Commander Haruki!
In the end, Asahina-senpai was more-or-less forced to place both hands on his chest and lean forwards. Faced with the image of this poor, innocent boy turned flat-chested maid, I just wanted to turn my head away, clinch my eyes together, and try and forget that I had ever seen the whole thing. But there was no way I would have been able to take any pictures that way, and Haruki would've gotten mad at me, and what would he have done then? Faced with that disturbing prospect, I turned my eyes back towards the camera screen and clicked the button when Haruki ordered.
Poor Asahina-senpai was forced to pose in increasingly cute and embarrassing positions as his face got redder and redder. But even as he was obviously about to burst into tears, he tried his clumsiest best to smile, emphasizing his ridiculously girlish charm. He was so very, very, cute.
I think I'm going to go insane.
"Oi! Yuuki-kun! give me your glasses!"
Nagato Yuuki slowly lifted his head, but not fast enough for Haruki, who snatched them right off his nose with not as much as a “thanks”. Can you even read without glasses, Nagato?
Haruki held the glasses up in the air, span around quickly, and placed them on Asahina-senpai's face.
"The glasses would look better if they're slightly tilted. There we go... that's perfect! Kyon, take more pictures of the four-eyed, innocent maid boy!"
Look, putting aside whether or not I'm going to take more photos, just what is it that you intend to do with the photos of Asahina-senpai in a maid costume anyway?
"Mitsuuru-kun, from now on you are to wear this costume every single time you come for club activities!" Haruki declared.
"Eeh!? W-what? No! No! That's no- that's not-"
Asahina-senpai tried his best to express his refusal, waving his hands frantically at Haruki, but he simply reached out and trapped Asahina-senpai in a bear hug, letting his hands wander freely. "Why the hell do you look so cute in this, eh, Mitsuruu-kun? If you were a girl, I tell you, I'd... well, actually, with you like this, it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Oh god.
Asahina-senpai screamed and tried to escape, but to no avail, as Haruki's hands wandered further down once more.
Too far.
"Hey, cut it out, you idiot!!" I tried my best to drag Haruki away from his sexual harassment of Asahina-senpai, but he was too big and strong for me to handle. "That's enough, you moron! Stop it already!"
"Does it really matter?" Haruki said, one hand attempting to push me away slightly while the other restrained the struggling Asahina-senpai. "Why don't you join in as well?”
"What?!"
I was endeavoring to pull Asahina-senpai out of Haruki's grip, but my mind suddenly jumped in a completely unwanted direction. Damn you, Haruki! Damn you, maid outfit!
"My, my. What's going on in here?"
I managed to turn my head, to find Koizumi Itsuko standing at the entrance with her bag, a half-smile playing around on her face.
She looked amusedly first at Haruki, one hand trying to push me away and the other fondling Asahina-senpai's butt, then at me, attempting to stop Haruki's madness; then to Asahina-senpai, cowering in a maid costume and trembling non-stop, and then finally to Nagato, who was peacefully reading his book unfazed by this nonsense and the loss of his glasses.
"Is this... some sort of club activity?" she smiled.
"Koizumi-san, you came at just the right time!" Haruki shouted, instantly releasing Asahina-senpai (who collapsed to the floor, paralyzed again) and leaping to Itsuko's side. "I have a job for you!"
A job? What's this, all of a sudden?
Haruki leant down and whispered into Itsuko's ear. She smiled, and turned around to lock the door.
That's never a good sign, no matter who does the locking.
“Hey, Kyon!”
Haruki was grinning again.
“I finally got around to getting you that present I promised you!”
Oh no.
My doom has finally arrived.
There was a paper bag standing behind the door earlier that I hadn't noticed. As I wondered whether to just make a break for it, Haruki grabbed the bag and pulled out a pair of bunny ears.
I instantly knew what would be in the rest of that bag.
“...Bun... ny... girl...?” I asked, with trepidation.
Haruki's grin widened.
“Bun-ny girl.”
He reached towards me.
“Now, if you'll just--”
I slapped his hand away from me and backed away. That's it! The time had come for truly drastic measures! If you touch me, I'll scream rape! I swear it, Haruki!
"Hey, now, that's not the way to behave towards your Supremely Manly Commander!" said Haruki, looking more annoyed than anything else. "I decreed that you will wear the bunny suit, and so do I swear it, you will wear the bunny suit! And that decree is final!"
I couldn't take much more of that idiot's blabber, and threw a punch at his head; he blocked it easily,
and shoved me roughly backwards into the grasp of... Itsuko?
Asahina-senpai was still lying trembling on the floor. Haruki grabbed the glasses from his face and walked over to Nagato, placing them directly back onto his nose. Nagato didn't move an inch. Had he been just joking around with me yesterday? I couldn't tell, but sometimes Nagato really didn't seem human...
While I struggled against Itsuko's grip, Haruki simply hoisted Asahina-senpai over one shoulder, grabbed the collar of Nagato's blazer in the other hand, and bid us two girls farewell. "I'll leave the bunny suit in here, kay? Give us a call when you're finished, Koizumi-san. Have fun, Kyon!"
He grinned widely again. I swear, if I ever get the chance, I'm going to shove that idiot's head right into a wheat thresher...
Sigh. I looked up at my captor.
"Hi!" Itsuko smiled warmly at me. "We didn't get the chance to talk too much yesterday, but I hope we can learn to be the best of friends!"
Beneath her smiling face, her hands were already busy undoing the ribbon on my uniform.
---
I'm going to simply gloss over most of this, but let's just say I was forced to be a bunny girl for yet another of Haruki's crazed photo shoots. I guess it wasn't all that bad, though, considering - I thought I looked pretty nice in those shots, and at least Haruki's hand wasn't on the camera - but I was still deeply disturbed about what he might be using those pictures for.
...and I'm curious about how he knew my exact measurements. Those are supposed to be a secret, damnit!
Urgh... I guess this I'll take this as divine punishment for not saving Asahina-senpai when I had the chance.
---
Later, when I was back in my school uniform and the nightmarish photo session was finally over...
"Right! I call to order the first official meeting of the SOS Brigade!" shouted Haruki, who was standing on the commander's chair again. Please, stop startling everybody by suddenly shouting at us without warning! And you don't need even more extra height!
"We've already done a lot of work! Thanks to our distribution of informative materials and the establishment of the official SOS Brigade Webpage, our reputation in the school has already soared sky-high and pierced the heavens! Therefore, I hereby declare phase one of my Plan... to be a great success!"
This is your stupid Plan?! Scarring Asahina-senpai forever and forcing me to become a bunny girl is your brilliant Plan!?
"But our inbox has yet to receive a single email about any mysterious events! And nobody's come forwards to discuss their concerns with us about their experiences!"
Uh, Haruki, reputation alone won't help us at all. Besides, we don't have reputation. We have notoriety. Nobody would want to get involved with us, ever. And the school doesn't even recognize the existence of this club anyway!
"There used to be a saying that 'patience is a virtue'," Haruki continued loudly, glaring ferociously at all of us with a zeal that was bordering on the terrifying, "but since then, times have changed. Even if we have to reverse the direction the world spins, even if we have to drill through the clouds instead of the ground, we will seek them out! We will find what we seek by ourselves! So, everybody! Let's begin searching!"
"...What exactly are we looking for?"
Nobody else had said anything, so I decided to ask myself. I do hope it's a wheat thresher. I could totally use a wheat thresher right about now.
"To find all the mysterious events of this world! As long as we try hard, we should be able to find at least one or two events in this town!"
Er, Haruki, I already found one mystery: the way in which you think!
I displayed my reluctance plainly. Itsuko only smiled enigmatically. Nagato remained expressionless as always, while Asahina-senpai seemed resigned to his fate, too exhausted to protest. He looks how I feel.
Ignoring everyone's reactions, Haruki waved his arms and yelled: "This Saturday, tomorrow! We'll meet outside the North Station before nine in the morning! Don't be late! Absentees will be... punished!!"
I don't believe there is a worse punishment than being forced to dress as a bunny girl (or a maid, for that matter) for half an hour, but hey, I've been wrong before.
---
So, what did Haruki intend to do with all those photos of Asahina-senpai and me?
That idiot wanted to upload them all onto the web page to attract more Internet traffic!
When I found out what he wanted to do, he had just finished uploading them all onto the main page. He was even typing in the personal details. I noticed he had labeled Asahina-senpai's photos as 'hot female maid'.
I'm going to kill him.
I managed to get the idiot to stop this foolish nonsense and take down all the pictures from the website. I didn't want everybody in the world seeing my barely-clothed body, and if Asahina-senpai learned that images of him posing seductively in a maid costume had been spread all over the Internet, he'd probably faint on the spot.
I quickly warned him about the dangers of putting personal details on the net, while desperately attempting to control my temper and, amazingly, for once, Haruki actually paid attention and listened to me seriously. Although, as if to spite me, he eventually muttered grumpily: "I knew that already!"
But then he reluctantly stood up and let me remove the images from the page.
I know I should have been deleting all of Asahina-senpai's photos, but... he really did look really cute in that picture. And even though I'm extremely embarrassed about the whole bunny-suit thing, they are really well taken (Itsuko's pretty good with a camera, I guess) and they're definitely flattering to me. I figured I'd probably want the photos to look back on in thirty years. So instead of deleting them, I secretly saved them to a hidden folder buried deep in the directory and password-protected it.
Was that a bad idea?
Oh well. Only I know where those photos are, anyway!