[Satashi]

Spoiler for @ 00-Raiser's fic:

High school junior Vivio Takamachi watched as her tutor, Yuuno Scrya, looked over her notebook. He sat on the edge of her bed, nodding his head as his eyes moved down the page. Seated at her desk, Vivio twirled her pencil around her fingers, awaiting his assessment.

MUCH better. only comment for it is that when you combine a lot of sentences in a row, try to make them sound differntly. For example, your last to sentences were in this formula: "placement, verb". Yuuno was on the edge of the bed, and Vivio was seated at her desk. The last sentence could be more: "Vivio twirled her pencil around her fingers as she sat at her desk, awaiting his assessment" and it gives a verb to focus on Vivio, then describes her more. Either way will work, but I think the flow is a little better with what I said. But already I like what you've done *thumbs up*

Vivio wondered if it would be ok to ask for a reward since the project she had finished was supposedly a difficult one. Sometimes when she did well on a challenging test or assignment, Yuuno would indulge a request of hers. In the past, she might have asked for a stuffed animal she had her eye on, but as the years went on she advanced to clothing or small charms. Though more often than not, she usually went for the books. Vivio now had quite the collection of old and rare tomes, each weathered page brimming with knowledge of the past. The best reward by far was the time she asked to spend the day with him at an archaeological dig. Sifting through the dirt to uncover hidden mysteries with the best in the business had been exhilarating.

Much better, though she seems a little selfish asking for it all. But hey, that's fine since its "over the years"

However, he had just acknowledged her growth and that had strengthened her resolve. The end of a journey is the start of another.

*claps*

and he had picked up on the way she would dress with a lessened degree of modesty when they were together.

*giggles* how bold!

Indeed, Yuuno could feel the rapid life beats under his hand. The red seemed to pump through three times faster than normal. The mind could easily be confused, but the body rarely lied.

the red?

Tonight was an entirely different matter. It was as if Chrono had used Durandal to freeze the room. Vivio and Yuuno sat on one side, Nanoha and Fate on the other. The two mothers wore looks that would ensure them top positions in the poker world championships.

My brother played poker professionally for two years, so that line kinda jumped out at me. poker faces aren't about being stern and unmoving, that's just for amateurs mainly. Real poker players read 'tells' in much more complicated ways and.......why am I talking about this?

Yuuno perspired lightly, but reassured himself that his friends were reasonable people. If he was honest, they wouldn’t hurt him… that much. On her end, Vivio tried not to look too worried. Her mamas would be understanding right? Unfortunately, predicting the behaviours of others isn’t an exact science.

I think that can be two separate paragraphs since it splits between them.

“Now then, Yuuno-kun,” Nanoha began with an even tone. “I don’t believe you’re the kind of man who would take advantage of a girl thirteen years your junior. But I’m afraid I’m not as smart as you are, and I just can’t think of another interpretation for the scene I walked in on, so please explain it to me.”

go go Nanoha-mama!

“You’re as oddly inconsistent on picking up on these things as always, Nanoha.” The blond told her partner.

“You knew about it, Fate-mama?” Vivio asked.

“I had a feeling, but I wasn’t going to say anything until you wanted to talk about it.”

go go Fate-mama!

“By letting him grope you?” Nanoha gasped. To think her daughter was so bold…

Fate: Like you ever held back on the groping <.<

I’ve matured to the point where my body doesn’t change at all when I activate Saint Kaiser Mode, so I think I’m ready for this.”

That line seems kind of off. I know what you're going for, but I just don't like her referring to her physical body and fighting in this context.

“… I don’t know about that, Vivio.” Yuuno finally spoke. During the familial conversation, he had taken the opportunity to scrutinize himself. Just how did he feel about the girl? The image of that bright, happy young child still existed in his mind, but that was a memory of the past. The Vivio of today was an attractive young woman, one wise beyond her years who had been faced with several abnormal circumstances, but had the strength to overcome them and grow up to be a well adjusted person. She had never lost that innocent smile of hers, and her cheery nature had never failed to fill Yuuno with a sense of joy and ease. He enjoyed her company, he liked sharing common interests with her, and he cared about her well being a great deal. He wanted to make her happy, and her being happy certainly made him happy too. This was the first time he had examined it thoroughly and he concluded that these feelings could be indeed be love. Yuuno wanted the chance to find out for certain.

very nice paragraph. only problem: "these feelings could be indeed be love. " sounds really weird. reword?

“I do love Vivio a lot,” He admitted. “But I can’t say if this love is romantic or not. To be sure, I’d like to give a relationship between us a shot. So, Nanoha, Fate…” He bowed, stopping short of banging his head against the table. “Please allow me to date your daughter!”

Just like that? I don't like the insanly fast acceptance. Granted, he thought about it, but for only a few moments. I think he would word it as in "I would like to respect Vivio's feelings and give my own a chance to become clear." and not "lemme date her!" :3 but this is your fic, so go with what you want.

Nanoha considered the man who was her life long friend and some one she cared for deeply. She knew he was mature, polite, considerate, intelligent and responsible. The look of exuberant bliss that had erupted on Vivio’s face when he made his request was enough to tell Nanoha that her daughter would fair well in his hands. Fate voiced her agreement with a reassuring smile.

Fate can't voice a smile. try "showed" "implied" "gave" "committed" ect.

“Oh thank you so much, mama!” Vivio’s excitement all but sprayed from her pores.

ewwwwwww she asploded!

Unable to contain herself, she sprang from her seat and wrapped her arms around her new boyfriend. “Please take good care of me from now on, Yuuno-san!”

she seems way too childish for this one burst. How about something a little toned down to match her build up so far? Like giving a fierce hug, and hugging him tightly, instead of bursting out and tackle-glomping.

“I’ll be in your care as well, Vivio.” Yuuno returned the hug, thinking he definitely wouldn’t mind getting used to it.

end on a corny note!


voice actor joke win! Also, loved the extra.

Okay, all in all, I actually really liked it. Yuuno was on task, so was Vivio. You incorporated many things I suggested, so of course I can't complain. I noticed one or two typos, so be sure to re-spellcheck before FF.N posting. I made my comments as I went so look there for specifics.

My only complain is Yuuno accepted it too fast. I don't mean as in "give me a few days to think on it" but the complete logical build up was shattered by him just bluntly saying "let me date her!" I think that by just adding 1-3 paragraphs, you could flesh out his idea of "giving it a chance". also, I know its common place to bow before parents and all, but Yuuno is Mid, and he didn't live on Earth like the girls (did he? I don't think he did?) and they're also his close friends. I think you could show some respect to that and have him look them in the eye and ask for their permission to find out his feelings for himself. I see Yuuno more of telling her "We will figure this out together" rather than blatantly asking to "date" her. That will give the satisfaction of accepting, but also staying true to the logic you brought into the fic as well.

I have to add this in as well. You re-wrote the entire thing just about to match almost everything I commented on. Even though I think the fic is much better, always remember to be true to yourself. A lot of readers will make comments, but each comment and suggestion is just their opinion. Its good to take them for what they are and incorporate the ones you like, but always remember that if you don't like what was suggested, don't change it. Your fics are yours, and you have the final say on what is released.

Um, well, since I reviewed it this much, I'll make it official.

I give this story (as it stands) three and a half stars out of five. The flow was nice, the characters seemed to represent themselves, and the cliche outburst were at a minimal. It gives a nice way for the reader to imagine how things go, without really leaving them hanging. Short and to the point, but also having an emotional build up that was nice to see being resolved.

Extra points for the odd couple. 00-Raiser played his cards right and wasn't afraid to fold and be re-dealt before finalizing his story. Taking the advice from a reader and fellow author shows the respect that I was looking for and, in this reviewer's eyes, makes up for what happened so long ago.

The pairing may sound strange, but it was well played. I'd recommend this to anyone who has an open mind about pairings.