Nagato said this, and then laid down, facing the opposite direction. I wanted to talk to her, but then again, I felt she put closure on the night with that movement.
Still, one thing.
"Nagato..." I whispered.
"..."
Silence.
"Where did all you're stuff go?"
"..."
She must be asleep.
I turned away, and stared at the wall. There is no way I can go to sleep, and even if I did, it would not be a good night's rest. My mind was swimming, the pool of thoughts it was in was inhabited by Nagato. She did that whole show... for me. She sung me a love song in typical Nagato fashion: secretively.
I remembered when I had come yesterday. I had heard the faint sound of the violin. I wonder if that was Nagato playing, or if she was listening to classical music. It seems like she wouldn't need to play it though, as she could just pick up the guitar and make a data query, then become a 5 star guitarist in two seconds.
My eyes began to droop after a while. Thinking about this was making me tired. I don't know when it was, but I waved in and out of sleep for seemingly all the hours of the night, tossing and turning. At one point I felt I had a dream.
I was in Nagato's apartment. In fact, everything was the same as it was now. The SOS Brigade was sleeping next to me. I opened my eyes to see that there were snowflakes whirring around the room, propelled by some unknown wind source. I was not cold though, and the snowflakes did not land, but just kept airborne, fluttering in random directions. I looked closer, and could see... musical notes intermixed with the snowflakes. My ears suddenly realized they had a job to do, and immediately picked up the sounds that were flowing around the room as effortlessly as the pure white flakes were. I turned my head on my pillow to see Nagato. She was playing the violin. She was the source of the music notes gently fluttering around the air. She sat cross-legged with her eyes closed. It was then that I realized that Nagato was also the source of the snowflakes, as they came from her eyes. She was crying, but without making a sound, seemingly drowning her whimpers in her music, allowing the violin to take away the pain. I looked at her for a while, as the gentle flakes and notes became more apparent in the room. They were filling it up, until everything would just be a black and white contour. I started to be blind to everything except for Nagato., there was too much snow now. Everyone else and everything else was fading away, being blurred out by the snow, seemingly becoming less a part of reality. At least, of this reality. The snowflakes and music notes were taking us away from them. They were taking Nagato away from everyone else. It’s just that I was going with her. My sight became black and white, as every discernible feature of the room vanished, and only Nagato in her pajamas remained, playing sweetly on her violin. She stopped playing suddenly, after the white had washed out everything but us. I lay with my head on my pillow, still not daring to move, but still gazing at her. I heard a terrifying crash as I saw Nagato's hands fall to her sides, as if suddenly becoming limp, the violin shattering like glass on the hard wood floor, making a harrowing un-orchestral sound as the many pieces disappeared. Her face pointed down, as more and more of everything became white, until I could only focus on Nagato's face. She turned to me and opened her eyes. I saw a brilliant flash of lavender. The only color I could see was the hue of her eyes. Her eyes that were wavering with the rest of the scenery, filled with tears. Filled with snowflakes. Her pale lips moved. Kyon-kun, she said as she looked at me, her eyes starting to half close as her head started to tilt down again. I kept trying to yell out Nagato! But no sound would escape my lips, as my head was focused on her. The white began to overlap her face. The last thing I saw before it completely engulfed her were her lips, slightly parting.
"Kyon-kun."
Just then my eyes shot open. I was in Nagato's dark apartment. There was no white, there was no black. Everything had color. Everything was normal. I was twisted in an embarrassing way with my blanket and pillow as if I were thrashing. I picked my head up off of the pillow to find Nagato kneeling next to me. I looked at her as she turned her face away. Am I still dreaming here, am I awake? What's going on?
"You were dreaming. You are now awake." Nagato said, without looking at me. Her face was stuck in the direction of the other sleeping members.
"Oh. Was I making noise or something?"
"Yes." She answered without moving.
"I'm sorry. Did I wake you up, is anyone else awake?"
"No one else is awake."
Wow. I laid my head back down on my pillow, and looked up at the ceiling. There was a slight blue tint on the smooth surface as the lights from the city came in from the window. It must be early in the morning. I looked again at Nagato to find that she herself was looking at me again. This time though, she did not avert her gaze.
Is something wrong?
"You said Nagato."
What?
"You were saying Nagato."
I was? Hm. I can't really remember why I would say your name. I was dreaming.
She looked down a little bit away from my face, and whispered "oh." She began to get up to go back to her side of the room.
"Nagato, wait." I said. I noticed a little more anxiety in my voice than I had wanted to hear. She stopped but did not turn around.
"What time is it?"
"3:42 A.M."
"Jesus."
"..."
"Nagato, since when do you play the violin?"
She waited a couple seconds before answering.
"Yesterday."
Oh, so it was like the guitar thing where you just picked it up and played it, right?
"No."
What? You practiced?
"Yes."
How much?
"18 hours." Nagato still was not facing my direction.
18 hours? Wait a minute. That would mean you were playing pretty much non stop from the time I left your apartment until we came the next day. You practiced that much?
"Yes."
Why?
"I already said that."
...Eh?
"It was for you."
My brain stopped and remembered this. I must still be groggy from not sleeping. But the image came back. Nagato's small voice saying this, as she turned away from me and laid down. I suddenly felt the urge to say something. I had no idea what. I needed to not be held speechless by this ubiquitous comment twice.
"Nagato..."
"..."
"I read your diary."
Wait a minute. What did I just say? I did not just confess to that. Oh my God, I… did… just confess to that. I hurriedly tried to backtrack.
"U-uh, w-wait, I mean... uh, I read only a couple of pages. I barely paid any attention! I basically didn't read it!"
Nagato flinched a little. I could not see her face, as her profile was shrouded by the city lights outside. Her head tilted down a little bit, her shoulders following suit. She suddenly got up, and without facing me, headed to the door. She said nothing as she opened it, and left her own apartment.
I laid there, dead still, by now propped up again so I could put more effort in to trying to explain myself. I looked at the door for some time. Where did she just go? No, what just happened?
I got up out of my blankets. It seems none of the other members were awakened by our conversation, or by Nagato closing the door.
"Not quite."
Koizumi's voice filled the air as I saw his body turn around. What? You've been awake you eavesdropper?
"I'm a horribly light sleeper, forgive me. My troubles with my job have trained me that way."
How long have you been awake?
"So you read Nagato-san's diary? I did not realize she kept one. Why would an alien need a diary?"
Look clown, answer the question.
Ah never mind, you just answered it anyway.
I dropped myself down on my pillow next to Koizumi, feeling completely powerless. Where was this exhaustion previously?
"Kyon. You know... everyone has bad dreams."
What? Don’t get psychological on me here buddy, I got a real life problem to deal with.
"Look at Suzumiya-san. She is dreaming right now."
I tossed my gaze over to her to find a gentle sleeping girl, heaving delicately up and down. This is almost one of the cutest ways to look at Haruhi, as her mouth is not spouting out some nonsense, and she seemed completely vulnerable, her tough facade shaken down by the everyday dreariness of sleeping.
"She looks normal."
"That's right. I didn't say she was having a nightmare. In fact, through my, as you would call it, esper abilities, I can sense she is having a pleasant dream right now. Asahina-san is also dreaming."
He sat up as his palm extended to the two girls. I wonder what their dreams would be like. I bet Asahina-san's would be filled with cute bunnies and neko-men. Actually, I would hope they were filled with me.
"You though, were having a nightmare, weren't you?"
I hate it when he's right. And it's not often that he's wrong.
"Koizumi, Nagato said I was saying her name, did you hear me saying anything?"
"No, can't say that I did, and I was awake before Nagato-san went over to you. I can't believe that song was for you, she really is different."
Why is that so unbelievable? Someone can't play a love song for me?
"Not at all. It's because it's Nagato-san."
I stayed silent. He's right. Again. But how do I feel now?
"Kyon-kun, did you see the book Nagato-san has been reading?"
Yeah, it was the same as before, that's strange, isn't it?
"Yes, but that's not what I mean. The book itself, it is a novel, and not a thick one at that. Did you happen to see the name of it?"
Uh... something French...
"L’Étranger. It means "The Stranger" in French. I don't suppose you would be familiar with that book?"
No, and I do suppose you are, and are going to tell me about it.
"Right. It is an existential novel by Albert Camus. In it, the main character is disconnected from the rest of society through apathy to live life for what it is. He just goes through the motions of living, feeling no mental stimulation caused by life at all, but only seeking out physical and immediate pleasure. Do you see how this correlates?"
Yes... No. Um, how?
"Kyon, what did Nagato-san's diary say?"
I have a feeling you sort of already know what it said.
"Refresh my memory then."
Sigh.
She wrote that she was changing from a Humanoid Interface into a normal human being, because of...
I paused.
"An emotion" Koizumi said, revealing a smile that a teacher has when helping a small child find the answers to the simplest problems. It was one hell of a condescending smile.
"Do you already know Koizumi?"
"Kyon, you don't know what 'Ich liebe dich' means, do you?"
Of course not, idiot.
"It's German. It means 'I love you'."
I was taken aback a bit, as my mind retraced back to when Nagato had first said the words of her song. She was looking straight at me as she said them, her face completely serious. Then she started playing those beautiful notes, for a moment being lost in the whirlwind of the violin. For a moment, she was being lost in a world she desired, one where she could tell me her thoughts, even indirectly, even in a different language, and show them to me through song. Her voice was so passionate as she sang. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. Maybe that's why I have no idea how to act. Maybe I have no idea because it's Nagato.
I got up suddenly, as Koizumi's smiling face backed away in surprised. I went into the other room and got dressed, and came back out. Koizumi looked at me inquisitively.
"Where are you going?"
Didn't you see her leave?
"You're going after Nagato-san? Are you sure that's a good idea? If Suzumiya-san wakes up..."
Just think of something if that happens. You're in the brainiac class 2-9 for God's sakes.
I opened the door hastily, making sure to softly close it. Outside, the hall was cool and dark, a single light at the end compensating for lighting the whole hallway. The rest of the lights had long ago burnt out. I looked at the clock on my phone. 4:56 A.M. It's dangerous for Nagato to be out. Well, not old Nagato, but if she has no powers anymore, than a small girl in her pajamas is really appetizing for some drunk pervert.
I ran to the elevator, and smashed my palm on the down arrow button. The wait seemed like forever. It was like waiting for Nagato to respond to an important question you asked her. The seconds dragged on, and the silence seemed to weigh down on you.
The doors opened as in one motion I jumped in and pressed the close doors button, letting the soft funk elevator music reach my ears. Nothing will match the sounds I had heard the night before.
After exiting her building, I ran out into the street. There was no sign of life anywhere. It was dark, as I heard a car start in the distance. Someone starting their day.
I ran in an arbitrary direction, as if I were running in a dream. I don't remember what I was thinking. I didn't want things to get hazy again, but they began to as my brain labored under its duties.
I must have run for a good 10 minutes before having to stop. I collapsed onto my knees in the middle of the sidewalk, heaving up and down. I imagined all the trouble Nagato could be in right now. I did not want her to be in danger because of me. I had caused her enough grief.
My panting became heavier as I realized it was beginning to be harder and harder to breathe with every passing second. I heard a faint noise, like a small squawking bird. I suddenly recognized that the noise was coming from me. My gasps for air were intermittent with sobs. Now I was crying, and I had no idea why. I sounded so un-masculine, but I didn't care. I had no idea what was going on, everything was my fault, and I felt helpless.
Try to get a hold of yourself. My heaving slowed a bit, as tears reached the sidewalk, inches away from my face. I was doubled over in a horrific position, a portion of light shining in my eyes. The sun was starting to come up. I looked away, only to find something else in the opposite direction.
It was the park I had first met Nagato at to hear about her true identity. It was the same bench. And it was the same girl sitting on it. Her lips were apart as her eyes traced my body, being caught mid gasp it seemed like.
"Nagato..."
The orange light was again washing over the scenery, as the sun helped my eyes retrieve the sight of the poor girl, sitting in her pajamas. I could not refer to her as an alien anymore. Her eyes were a little red around the edges. She has been crying as well, and it seemed like she had just stopped.
I stood up, and tripped over to her, she put her hands on my shoulder and down my arm to steady me. I looked again toward her pale visage. She finally saw my own face close up, and saw the streaks of slight discoloration down my cheeks. Her eyes abruptly closed in a grimace.
"I-i-i... w-won't... c-c-cry."
Nagato stuttered these words out, seemingly using all of her strength, as faint high pitched gasps were let out with it.
"Nagato... please."
"You... you s-said you did not want... want me t-to cry."
Nagato never faltered on her words. But I had never seen her in this state. This was not a time to be comparing Nagatos though.
"Nagato, it’s fine. I'm sorry."
I said this as I lowered my face to the ground, trying to hide the newly sprung tears seeping from my own eyes from her.
We both sat in that position, her on the bench, me kneeling in a heap with my head down, her hands on my shoulder and arm, steadying me, and seemingly herself at the same time.
After a minute, I could not stand the silence anymore, and looked up to see her. Her expression was heartbreaking. Her eyes were pools of moisture. Her lips were still open, small sobs escaping from them.
I was so completely filled with grief that I could not control myself anymore. Maybe this was the way Nagato had felt. The words just poured out of my mouth, and my brain had no inkling of trying to think anymore.
"I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I just... I... I don't know what to do Nagato... I'm sorry."
She stopped sobbing, and put her hand over my face, brushing away my tears. She said softly:
"No. I am sorry...
…
Kyon-kun..."
I put my head into her lap.
"Yuki-rin"
I said as I began to sob softly. Whiteness began filling the space. Music began reaching my ears. A violin. No. Yes. Wait. Snowflakes? Music notes? What is happening?
I could feel Nagato's lips touch the side of my face, as she bent down, and kissed my cheek delicately.
The world then hastily fell into white flakes, as if butterflies had burst from nowhere and where filling up the whole world. My whole world.
"Yuki-rin!" I called out. Nothing. The music got louder. It was bashing into my head. The black half, eighth and sixteenth notes would not go around me anymore. They were making it a point to go right toward me. The flakes were like ice on my face as I finally felt the cold chill. Nagato was gone now, there was only white. There was only white, with two lavender specs in the distance. The music began to pound harder and harder, it is too loud. I can't stand it. Images of Nagato’s violin playing flashed through me head, her petite lips moving witht eh sound of the instrument, the waves of relaxation taking me, carrying me to another time, another place I could actually feel my own thoughts in. Her face was at complete peace, every muscle relaxed. The music twirled around her, comforting her, and at the same time comforting me. She got to the end of her song, as the music suddenly exploded onto my head and I fell to the floor. The floor of nothing covered with snowflakes.
Snowflakes.
What's that? Pitter Patter. Is that noise? My eyes cautiously crept open. A wall, connected to a floor. It was Nagato's apartment. I was in my pajamas. I jolted up, and looked out the window. A grey, depressed world met my eyes as rain hit the window. The sun was hidden behind the numerous clouds that had formed.
I looked at my phone. 7:08 AM. Man. I saw the other members of the SOS Brigade sleeping, including Nagato. There she was. Silently asleep. Koizumi was still turned away from me, heaving up and down.
My blankets were strewn about beside me; my pillow was across the room. My head had been sleeping on the hard wooden floor. I suddenly realized I felt my skull aching, pulses of pain hitting me in synch with my heartbeat.
I sat there for about 5 minutes, with my arms across my bent knees, sitting up, staring at the wall with my pillow at its feet.
I definitely remember that. That was all so vivid. Was that all a dream? This has been one of the worst nights of my life, easily beating out the first night a dream had bothered me, a year and a half ago.
I looked toward Nagato again, her chest faintly moving up and down with her breathing.
"Yuki-rin." I said softly.
Her face did not stir, as she continued to sleep.