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shelter · 2009-01-14, 10:34

For Chps 36-41:

I see that you've decided to pursue a kind of side-story here. Although Flora & Zhao Yun were already a so-called couple previously, you seem to have devoted these 6 chapters to them & their budding relationship.

The following section is my technical analysis:

Spoiler for Review:

1. These few chapters are essentially very - Chinese: for every loving couple there have to be a pair of equally determined devil's advocates. The conflict between Flora/ Zhao Yun & Cao Pi/ Zhen Ji made this sub-story even more exciting - it serves to illustrate the micro-conflict that the Wei-Shu-Wu macro battle has produced. It's "on the ground" & showing how Cao Cao's ambitions play out within the characters which follow him.

I suppose that making Cao Pi the lecher & Zhen Ji the seductress was inevitable then? Cao Pi, beyond Cao Cao, is probably the most demonized character in your entire story. And - unlike his wife who has a moment of downfall after Zhao Yun conveniently fights the clothes off her & his father, who gets on Galatea's wrong end sometimes - he seems un-redeemable, without remorse & a much greater evil than Cao Cao, who can at last control himself. This is not really flat characterization; it's more strangling how a character plays itself out relative to the plot.

2. And then there's this part which I felt - ugh, wrong place, wrong time. I'm not sure why you choose to include a sex scene after Flora & Zhao Yun fell from the tower. I think you ruined a very tender moment - where both of them celebrate their survival - with an overly physical & visual offering. It comes across as very cliche, like you needed it to be there if not the chapter couldn't conclude. I know you have an eye for detailed intimacy, but with the over-conservative Flora & the humanized Zhao Yun, perhaps less would be more.

3. I'm not exactly sure either why Galatea considers Flora so dangerous. It seems very apt that Galatea reaches this revelation only after you refocus the narrative on Flora, which seems a bit obsessive for readers to stop thinking of Cao Cao vs. Zhuge Liang & maybe even the ABs vs. China for this personal conflict to spring up after 2 prior meetings. But the rivalry is quite an idea worth exploring, & I'm glad Galatea is thinking of something else other than warming Cao Cao's bed, so - yeah - I encourage you to see this to the end.

2009-01-14, 10:34	Link #3143
shelter Every word must conjure Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: City of No Yesterdays	For Chps 36-41: I see that you've decided to pursue a kind of side-story here. Although Flora & Zhao Yun were already a so-called couple previously, you seem to have devoted these 6 chapters to them & their budding relationship. The following section is my technical analysis: Spoiler for Review: 1. These few chapters are essentially very - Chinese: for every loving couple there have to be a pair of equally determined devil's advocates. The conflict between Flora/ Zhao Yun & Cao Pi/ Zhen Ji made this sub-story even more exciting - it serves to illustrate the micro-conflict that the Wei-Shu-Wu macro battle has produced. It's "on the ground" & showing how Cao Cao's ambitions play out within the characters which follow him. I suppose that making Cao Pi the lecher & Zhen Ji the seductress was inevitable then? Cao Pi, beyond Cao Cao, is probably the most demonized character in your entire story. And - unlike his wife who has a moment of downfall after Zhao Yun conveniently fights the clothes off her & his father, who gets on Galatea's wrong end sometimes - he seems un-redeemable, without remorse & a much greater evil than Cao Cao, who can at last control himself. This is not really flat characterization; it's more strangling how a character plays itself out relative to the plot. 2. And then there's this part which I felt - ugh, wrong place, wrong time. I'm not sure why you choose to include a sex scene after Flora & Zhao Yun fell from the tower. I think you ruined a very tender moment - where both of them celebrate their survival - with an overly physical & visual offering. It comes across as very cliche, like you needed it to be there if not the chapter couldn't conclude. I know you have an eye for detailed intimacy, but with the over-conservative Flora & the humanized Zhao Yun, perhaps less would be more. 3. I'm not exactly sure either why Galatea considers Flora so dangerous. It seems very apt that Galatea reaches this revelation only after you refocus the narrative on Flora, which seems a bit obsessive for readers to stop thinking of Cao Cao vs. Zhuge Liang & maybe even the ABs vs. China for this personal conflict to spring up after 2 prior meetings. But the rivalry is quite an idea worth exploring, & I'm glad Galatea is thinking of something else other than warming Cao Cao's bed, so - yeah - I encourage you to see this to the end.