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Old 2008-07-18, 11:29   Link #51
whitepearl
Dietrich fan #681675
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
Next one I checked out was whitepearl’s couple of chapters.


First question to you: why did you censor it? (just checking if it was your own personal reason or cause of some rule on Asuki here)
Just personal reasons...I was trying to be considerate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
But wow, I don’t like hayden xD
As in I don’t like his character; he’s someone if I crossed paths with, I’d roll my eyes at them and turn away (that’s probably cause I’m not a fan of foul language in casual speech when there’s no emotional purpose for it)
Doesn’t help to portray your IQ level past double digits either imo, so it’s probably my own personal opinion at work, but without setting a scene that they were in the classroom (for starters), or without any inclusion of some of the characters mental thoughts like for example let’s take hannah:
I know behind that macho, foul mouthed jerk front he puts up, he’s decent. I mean why else would I really be friends with him… right?
It’s just open scene, bam! Straight into dialogue which is sarcastic, friendly (I’m presuming) banter between good mates – kinda feels like we’ve stepped into something personal between two people without having been introduced as to where they are or who they are a little. In real life, we’d probably feel a little lost in terms of thinking ‘what’s going on here, what’s the topic about, I kinda feel left out a little’
True, I perhaps should've put something more introductory but this was all originally conceived on a whim, sorta like at the snap of a finger kinda thing, so everything was just written down. I was going to figure out their history a little later.

But at the start of brainstorming, I had intended Hayden to be the "jerk" character that most people find unsettling, with the exception of Heather (not Hannah) and Jocelyn.

It's not evident from the excerpt posted but he is meant to be a conflicted sort of character. Jocelyn and Heather, too. Their conflicts were meant to be explained later on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
I kinda get the same sensation here, I had to put pieces together real fast to figure who’s saying what, why they may think that way, establish their character in my head. I guess if this was a script, I could tune into it a different way, but at the moment, I’m approaching it as a piece of fiction.
Hayden, Hannah and Jocelyn are obviously real friendly with each other, so introduce us to them a little first, (tho we get more info on Joyce later on) if we’re privy to that much dialogue between them, especially with all the swearing that’s going on there from Hayden.

Also on advice for dialogue, grab a random novel (a chick lit book will do) and analyse the dialogue structure. Very often you’ll see sentences ending as ‘said jenny.’ ‘answered Pete’ ‘Phillip inquired’ ‘whispered Alicia’
The verbs help the reader to imagine the pitch, tone and volume of what’s being said thus bringing more life to the words on the page
It’s funny, when I write ‘said’ ‘said’ ‘said’, I feel kinda stupid, but then when I read and take 2 secs to analyse the page, I notice that almost all dialogue lines will end in some kinda verb+person, but I don’t even notice when reading. The main use for speech only sentences like those in your story may be when the convo is fast paced or something.

Kelly tilted her head towards Jack replying, “okay…. Negotiation time. 100 quid.”
“40 quid only, I told you.”
“100 quid.”
“Didn’t you just hear-”
“Fine! 80.”
“40.”
“80!!”
“Okay, 50.”
“70.”
“55.”
“60.”
“Deal.”
Kelly smiled her appreciation.

Is a random example I just tossed up there.
Yeah, I know what you're saying about how it sometimes feels stupid to write "said" over and over which was why I didn't do so in the first place. I have spent some time mulling over what I have written and thought that the dialogue could use some work, moreso in the mechanics (if that is an appropriate term?) of how it's spoken instead of what was spoken.

Oh by the way, the simile for the description of her breasts in relation to grades?
Nice, real nice, got an approving smirk from me there.

PS: Even if the next scene between Joyce and Hayden is obvious (or is it?), why did you stop there?


The first chapter is insanely long and I didn't want to bore anyone with a verbose amount of text.

But I do appreciate your reading of what I had written and for your honest and frank feedback. Some of my other friends just tell me "it's good" without giving me much in terms of what I could improve. I guess they don't want to say anything negative since we are friends so it's good to get feedback from someone I don't know—the feedback and commentary will be more unbiased.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
No problem, keep with the writing!

Anyways, seems that’s all we got for original fiction, it’s been quiet here for a spell. Since most of you are on summer hols now and may have more time than usual, how about dusting off your virtual quill and ink bottle and penning a few more pages of fun? ^^
I'll try but I have to get back into the whole routine of things. I was away for a few weeks and had no access to my work. I did spend some nights trying to brainstorm but I had no means of writing anything down.

edit: there was some introductory stuff in the first paragraph that I threw in as a sidebar, but I can't recall if I ever included that in the excerpt I posted here. I can send you the full first chapter to you if you want.
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Last edited by whitepearl; 2008-07-18 at 11:39.
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