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Old 2008-10-25, 13:03   Link #35
Hari Michiru
Insane Fangirl
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home of the 2010 Olympics
Quote:
Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
Decided to try it...

Spoiler for "Mine":
Um. O_o

You're supposed to separate dialogue into separate paragraphs, so it's less messy. Also, you could have elabourated more on the fight, and use a bit more adjectives. A bit cliched, in my opinion. Ulquiorra wouldn't have shown his feelings JUST like that. And last thing: if you're going to use some Japanese phrases, it's good to give translations. It's annoying if you see a block of Japanese, and you have no idea what it says.
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