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Old 2008-10-25, 14:58   Link #37
Amirali
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Over the rainbow.
Age: 33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Langus View Post
That is weird...

Speaking of which, I have another I forgot to add. This is my only complete, full length work of Bleach fan fiction. It's a look at Gin and Matsumoto's relationship and my prediction of how things will turn out between them when all is said and done.

I'm rather proud of it so if you've got the time please give it a read and give me some feedback

"Secrets of an Unworthy Heart" http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3362719/...Unworthy_Heart

Thanks guys!
Quote:
Originally Posted by monir View Post
I also think your story will flow much much better if you don't rely on longer sentences.
Very good read so far! Matsumoto and Gin are a match made of win.
Having read the story, I disagree with Monir on this. People prefer different writing styles, so there's no absolute answer on what rhythm and length of sentence work better. Terse bullet sentences have their own merits, but the long sentences are what let your narrative drift gently, like the ebb and flow of a river coaxing the landscape to meld with it's path. I have no complaints.


Regarding your interpretation of Gin and Matsumoto's past, I'm not going to nitpick about creative differences with the manga version. There are many different paths that a writer could take to bring Matsuomoto and Gin to who they are today, and yours was as good as any. The only element lacking was an exposition of Gin's macabre sense of humor. Gin laughs at all creation's follies. To laugh at his enemies , his comrades and even himself is the only experience he has of handling this world. Without tracing the emergence of that dark humor bordering on the sadistic, you didn't bring out the cruelty only a bitter man can display. It just felt like there was a gap in the telling somewhere.

But it was a damn good story, for you to make me care enough to complain. And yes, I'll admit the ending made me cry like a little girl.

Last edited by Amirali; 2008-10-25 at 16:04.
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