[Heatth]

Originally Posted by luap1138

Shouldn't there be more variations on "Premonition"? If I recall correctly, you can still get it even after completing a girl's subset if you don't have enough points/that girl's points are less than another's, so (assuming I'm correct/you haven't changed it) there should be variations that tie into these subsets.

Other than that, though, good scenes. I can't wait for the rest.

Probably should be just a few extra lines for each variation. For Nagato and Itsuko there should be a different line in the beggining, refering to the headphones. For the others just an extra line in the end to give a sense of continuity. Not real need for a whole new scene.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- Premonition/Phone Call/The Fox's Curse:

(...)

Nice scene over all. Due to it nature I will comment each sub-scene separatedly.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- Premonition:

Premonition

After dinner, I head up to my room, having come to the decision that I should probably lock up these headphones somewhere safe forever.

I have a heavy steel box containing everything I had kept from my naive childhood, things I didn't want to or couldn't throw out. I shoved the headphones in there, locked it tight, and put it back deep in the recesses of the closet.

Out of sight, out of mind.


As I was sitting on my bed, I had a sudden pronouncement of doom. It came out of nowhere, which is why it was sudden.

For a few precious seconds, I felt as though I was about to die. I felt as though I had simply squandered the last week, that I hadn't accomplished anything. That it was this laziness of mine this was what was going to kill me. That I had made the wrong decisions. That the world was going to end and there was nothing I could do about it.

But the feeling soon passed. It was just a feeling, after all.

Goodnight.

Premonition (Thiefless)

Dinner was the usual affair, with my mother asking where I had been all day and my sister teasing me.

To escape her assertions that I had been with a girl the whole time, I escaped to my room before my mom could request to know more about my 'new girlfriend'.

It was as I was sitting on my bed that I had a sudden pronouncement of doom. It came out of nowhere, which is why it was sudden.

For a few precious seconds, I felt as though I was about to die. I felt as though I had simply squandered the last week, that I hadn't accomplished anything. That it was this laziness of mine this was what was going to kill me. That I had made the wrong decisions. That the world was going to end and there was nothing I could do about it.

But the feeling soon passed. It was just a feeling, after all.

Goodnight.

First, as luap said, there should be a few variation here. Nothing big, just a few, or even a single, lines for the sake of continuity. The most important ones are related to Nagato and Itsuko, since having the headphones back in these scenarios is particularly weird (having Kyon mention the bandage is also cool, but not realy necessery).

I just didn't understood the Premonition (Thiefless). It is for when you leave the headphones with kyonko but don't bring her to your house?

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- Phone Call- Haruhi:

Phone Call- Haruhi

...

I am going to have to do something about these evil, evil, terrifying, and evil headphones. Throwing them out the window clearly didn't work... perhaps I should try destroying them? Or would that release the demon within, setting it loose upon the outside world?

I don't want to think about it. I'll just lock them in a box and pretend they don't exist.

I have a heavy steel box containing everything I had kept from my naive childhood, things I didn't want to or couldn't throw out. I shoved the headphones in there, locked it tight, and put it back deep in the recesses of the closet.

Out of sight, out of mind. At least until they show up on my pillow again.

Just as I had finished doing that, my cellphone rang. Checking the call display revealed that it was Haruhi.

Damn it. She was just here, why is she calling me again? My body can only handle so much Haruhi in a day, you know.


Kyon: Hey, Haruhi?

Haruhi: Before you get the wrong idea, I'm not calling you just to check up on you! I left a, er, pencil at your place when I visited, and was just wondering if you had seen it.

Kyon: A... pencil?


Of all the flimsy--! If you need a pencil, I'll loan you one. We have about twenty extra, as I'm sure you do as well. What was so special about this one?!


Haruhi: Oh, nevermind, I found it. It was on my desk. Anyway, I've organized another Search for Mysterious Events tomorrow! You had better be there!

Kyon: But... you just looked around today... do you really think that fantastic things are just going to--

Haruhi: Oh, shut up. Anyway, we're meeting at the usual spot at nine-thirty, so you had better be on time! If you aren't, you'll be facing a triple penalty! See you then.


She hangs up.

...My... Sunday... it's gone...

...A triple penalty sounds pretty bad. I should endeavour to be as early as possible tomorrow. Like at the end of last may, I'll arrive about three hours early, just in case. Let's see her stick me with the bill this time!

Looking at the clock, if I'm going to get up that early, I should probably go to sleep now.

Goodnight.

Haruhi's excuse is sooo lame. Well, while it is funny, it is really needed? Since she has a 'legit' excuse anyway shouldn't she just use it from the beggining?

Also, I found interesting as Haruhi make the scene being more lightheaded(not a good word). I few something 'dark' for every scene but thies one.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- Phone Call- Asahina-san:

Phone Call- Asahina-san

...

I am going to have to do something about these evil, evil, terrifying, and evil headphones. Just leaving them in the hospital clearly didn't work... perhaps I should try destroying them? Or would that release the demon within, setting it loose upon the outside world?

I don't want to think about it. I'll just lock them in a box and pretend they don't exist.

I have a heavy steel box containing everything I had kept from my naive childhood, things I didn't want to or couldn't throw out. I shoved the headphones in there, locked it tight, and put it back deep in the recesses of the closet.

Out of sight, out of mind. At least until they show up on my pillow again.


Just as I had finished doing that, my cellphone rang. Checking the call display revealed that it was... Asahina-san?

I answer without haste!


Kyon: Hello, Asahina-san?

Mikuru: Is that Kyon-kun? I hope you're feeling okay...


Whenever I hear your wonderful voice, I regain all my lost hit points. You needn't worry, Asahina-san.


Mikuru: Um, I was wondering if you'd like to, um, h-hang out together tomorrow, as well...


......Kaaaaaaah! Time alone with Asahina-san two days in a row!? This is definitely worth all the fainting and nightmares.


Kyon: Of course! How can I refuse?


Asahina-san breathes a sigh of relief.


Mikuru: Then I will, um... is it okay if I come get you, at your house?



......Kaaaaaaah! Now this is a girl I'd like to brag to my mother about! I'll definitely introduce her, definitely.


Kyon: Of course! How can I refuse?!

Mikuru: Thanks, Kyon-kun. ...I'll be there at eleven, unless you're busy then...


After assuring Asahina-san that I was indeed not busy, we said goodbye and hung up. ...Tomorrow is going to be wonderful.

I'm going to have to get up early in order to get ready, and to plan out an escape route if Haruhi sees us together again. In that case, I had better get to sleep very soon.

Goodnight.

Kyon's reaction here are funny. And fitting in how he generally act when talking with Mikuru. He is so careless around her he woudl'nt notice if she had him in the point of a gun.

Every time Mikuru wants to have a time alone with Kyon something weird (and potentially dangerous) involving Time-Travel happen, which make me wonder what might be here, since Mikuru shouldn't be able to know nothing about the sliders here. Of course I might be overthinking and Mikuru just want to hang out with Kyon. But I definitivelly feel something dark here.

Edit-

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

I knew it. /Edit

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- Phone Call:

Phone Call- Nagato

...

I am going to have to do something about these evil, evil, terrifying, and evil headphones. Even after Nagato apparently destroyed them, they have somehow reconstituted themselves. This is not normal.

Not that I ever thought it was, of course.

Argh, I don't want to think about any of this. I'll just lock them in a box and pretend they don't exist.

I have a heavy steel box containing everything I had kept from my naive childhood, things I didn't want to or couldn't throw out. I shoved the headphones in there, locked it tight, and put it back deep in the recesses of the closet.

Out of sight, out of mind. At least until they show up on my pillow again.


...I guess I should probably contact Nagato, though.


I dial her number and, like usual, am greeted with silence on the other end.


Kyon: Hey, Nagato? I have bad news. The headphones came back.

Yuki: ...That is impossible. The data link to the physical universe was severed.

Kyon: There seem to be a lot of impossible things going on with these headphones. Regardless of data links and severing, they're here right now, in my room.


In my opinion, they're possessed by devils.


Kyon: ...Say, Nagato, could you perform an exorcism? Like, as soon as possible?


Silence. Well, I suppose that was a stupid request.


Yuki: ...I will need time to gather the necessary materials and research the proper techniques.


Wait, that's a yes, isn't it? Yes, it's a yes.


Kyon: So, maybe... tomorrow morning?

Yuki: ...

Kyon: I can't hear you nodding over the phone, Nagato.

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: Great, I'll see you then.


I hang up.

I don't think this would normally work, but if Nagato thinks she can actually get rid of these things for good, I'll have to believe her.

Looking at the clock, if I'm to be up for the exorcism tomorrow, I should be getting to sleep about now. Argh, there goes my wonderful Sunday...


Goodnight.

Is in time like this I know how much better Kyon treats Yuki after Disappearance. He is kinda being a jerk here, pushing her so much, even tough it is comprehensible (these headphones are really evil).

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- The Fox's Curse:

The Fox's Curse

...

There's no way this is happening, right? This has to be a bad dream, right?

I mean, to begin with, how would Koizumi-san have gotten in here? The trellis? No, no one is stupid enough to climb that thing.

This could just be another trick of those blasted headphones, but... I do have to wonder.

Could she have been the one that left these here in the first place? Could everything today, even the things that seemed sincere, have been acts?

How can I tell what's false from what's real?

Wait, hold on, calm down, deep breaths, let's examine the situation. What do I know about Koizumi-san and the headphones? What do I know for [i]certain[/b]?

Let's make a list.

a) Koizumi-san is inherently suspicious. Not only did I meet her by what seemed like chance, but she lied to me about her name and identity. Futhermore, her 'real' identity is probably also a lie; it's much too convenient for Koizumi's cousin, who belongs to the same Agency and has the same mission, as well as a similar name and appearance, to just show up out of the blue. I'm going to mash Koizumi's face in the next time I see him.

b) Whenever I listen to these headphones, I fall into a coma and start dreaming about things that either never happened to me, or happened in a very different way. There has to be some kind of supernatural effect imbued in them or something like that.

c) I first met Koizumi-san the day I 'received' the headphones.

d) As an esper, Koizumi-san presumably has supernatural abilities.

e) Koizumi-san was asking about the headphones all day. She also claims to know their original owner.

f) I have here a rather creepy note purportedly written by Koizumi-san that would suggest that she's the one who left them here in the first place.


...

Sure, it could be anyone other than her. Sure, the headphones themselves could be screwing with me.

But in the face of this (admittedly circumstantial) evidence, what other conclusion am I supposed to come to?

I'm going to have to believe that I was played like the fool I am, completely and utterly. I am going to have to accept that a girl I was willing to trust has been behind all of the strange events today, and probably those of the past week as well, come to think of it.

...This pisses me off. It really, really pisses me off.


Kyon: Arrrrrrgggghhhh!


The decisions that end up being life-changing are often ones we don't even think about. In my righteous rage, I reach up to my cheek, and... rip off the bandage covering it.


...



It hurts. It's not a sharp pain, but a dull one.

It hurts like an injury I've had for several years but never quite recovered from.

There is a full-length mirror leaning against one wall of my room. Standing in front of it, I see something I should have expected, given what Koizumi-san said earlier.

A long, thin, pink scar runs up the side of my head, from just above my jawline to the middle of my temple. Although it looks as though the scar has gone through ten years of healing in only a few hours, it's still... unsightly.

Beginning to panic a little, I find the bandage and stick it on the scar. It falls off. I stick it on again. It falls off.

What else did she say... 'whatever you do, don't take it off'?

...There's no way this is happening, right? This has to be a bad dream, right?

Goodnight.

Funny, at first I tought Kyon was, at once, not being stupid, making that list with clever deductions. Soon after he just went and tear of these bandages. Oh, well.

However, this list was very interesting. Specially the item c), that is, while correct, pretty missleading. I wonder if he is going to conclude she is, somehow, the responsable behind the headphones.

In any case, their next meeting is going to be pretty interesting.

Also, this was the only scene in where he don't lock the headphones in the box right?

Speaking in the box...

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Sixth, Day 5, Flag Check: My Room- Premonition/Phone Call:

I have a heavy steel box containing everything I had kept from my naive childhood, things I didn't want to or couldn't throw out. I shoved the headphones in there, locked it tight, and put it back deep in the recesses of the closet.

I believe you posted something about it already, but "my naive childhood" is the same as "before I met Sasaki" right? And waht is locked tehre are the supernatural related stuff he was fan before that, right?

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

I know I always say this and am lying, but there WILL be more later on.

But you always says it, and you are usually lying.

PP:

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Just take the first bits of each Phone Call scene and add the Premonition bit to the ends of them.

Problem solved.

Sorry, but I don't think I get what you mean.

Originally Posted by otai

Itsuko's path is dark interesting. A large visible scar? Also funny how Kyon comments he wants to punch Itsuki; why blame Itsuki, Kyon? It's not his fault this time, as far as you know.

Silly otai, it is aways Itsuki fault. Giving how much he deceive with that smile, I am not surprised Kyon went to that conclusion. He and his 'cousing' were being really suspicious here.