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Though there are still a few errors in the English in this version, I must say I like the result.
I'll admit that some of the suggestions I gave you were a bit wordy, but maybe in the future when you plan on making new drawings for your comics--whether you make new panels for your current comics or when making drawings for your OAV--you can try to scan in only the lineart instead of adding it in pencil.
That way, you could give one of us the raw files with the lineart only along with the edited English script, so we could then make new dialogue boxes through photoshop that aren't quite as cramped.
Good work as always!
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