Hello, NobodyMan.
Quote:
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He refused to though, not in front of Raki, who knew not of his or Priscilla’s true nature. He wasn’t about to let that change if he could help it
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At the moment, this is one of the more glaring tense errors I could spot. There are some awkwardly phrased sentences, but since all of them are dialogue, I don't think they do matter too much.
It's interesting that you begin your fic in action, & hold Raki's perspective all the way. Because the entire chapter, despite the near-death duel Raki had, comes across as very light-hearted. Add to that our knowledge of Isley as a master swordsman who's simply playing with the bandits & the atmosphere is more comic than dramatic. Was that your intention?
There is also nothing 'sloppy' about the action sequence. There's a lot of repetition of one particular conjunction - "however" - which shows the turn of our expectations in who would win. Another thing about your fight scene is that written one move at a time: each character's movements are described nicely within a sentence, sometimes a paragraph. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But it gives an impression of a very, very calculated fight. Compared this to MisterJB in his last chapter (each sentence has multiple moves by multiple characters, creating a very confused but detailed brawl), or Yosei (fight scenes are moderated by setting descriptions & dialogue). In building your own style, it's always good see how others describe action-filled sequences & try to fill each scene with the appropriate amount of tension, detail, dialogue & structure.
But good effort. Especially from someone whom everyone has been waiting for to continue after that prologue
Update soon!