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Warden of the West
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Casterly Rock
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hari Michiru
Editing again.
Spoiler for chapter 4:
Chapter 4:
The One who brings the Pain
Thelmus had always been Darkhenus’ most trusted servant and there was a good reason for that.
He was powerful and ruthless.
Being the first warrior to enter the battlefield and the last one to retreat, he was respected and feared in the Mainland for his ferocity in battle. Few were those who could fight him toe-to-toe and, unfortunately, none of them were at that town.
Wearing his dark battle outfit, Thelmus looked with disgust to the houses of the town. (this sounds awkward when reading) Such fragile buildings that he could break with only one move.
In his heart, Thelmus didn’t hate humans. (awkward) After all, he was once a human before he was chosen to become the first Dragon and he knew how powerless they felt. To him, humans were food and nothing more; although, some female humans could provide some hours of fun before being turned into food.
Walking down the main street, his evil (evil is overrated xD; try using a better word) black eyes watched the whole village, looking for the slightest hint that could lead him to those girls with blond hair and silver eyes… (awkward)
“Damn, Inez! I hope you didn’t make come here to waste my time! I can’t feel their Yoki anywhere."
“Maybe I should turn into my Dragon-form (I'm sorry, but Dragon-form is so unoriginal XD). That would make them appear.”
He was about to do just that when he noticed the two drunk men who were staring at him. He tried to avoid drastic measures, and walked confidently towards them. The look he gave would surely scare those men to death if it wasn’t for all the alcohol that they had on their blood.
“Answer me; did two blond girls come to this town in the last few days?” he ordered. (since you put the question mark, it doesn't really sound like ordering...)
The two men looked to each other, unsure of what to answer until one of them giggled and looked back at Thelmus.
“Yes, we saw those girls,” he answered, “They are right now in my bedroom if you want them.”
The man and his friend burst in laughter, pointing to Thelmus and giving each other encouraging slaps on the back. Unfortunately for them, they were interrupted when Thelmus clenched their heads with a superhuman strength. (huh...? Try rewording to make it make sense.)
“Who in the Nine Hells do you think you are to talk to me that way?!” he roared.
One move and the men’s head were bashed together, splattering blood, broken bones and brains all over the place. Thelmus was licking the blood that was left on his fingers when someone screamed. It was a girl that had witnessed everything.
She tried to run but in a second, he was already in front of her. His hand met her neck and she was pulled from the ground like if she wasn’t heavier than a plume.
“So, have you seen any blond girls lately?” he asked, all of his anger had been forgotten and he had now a sadistic smile on his face.
“Y-yes.” answered the girl, her voice diminished due to the hand that was choking her throat “O-one of them…is in…the wooden house…p-please…”
“Oh, you don’t have to say please,” Thelmus said, “I do this with all the pleasure.”
Dark canines broke through flesh, veins, bone and finally brains when Thelmus ripped off half of the girl’s face with his teeth. Blood poured from his mouth as the man enjoyed the meat in a gruesome cannibalistic spectacle.
“Hmmm, a little salty,” he said after he had swallowed everything.
Stretching his fingers, Thelmus destroyed the walls of the nearest houses revealing those who lived in there; he moved his fingers like a puppet master would and decapitated everyone that was at his reach.
People screamed, exiting their own houses to see what was happening and that would be a fatal mistake because the Dragon-kin launched his appendices on their direction, ready to claim more victims. (run-on)
However, the fingers never hit their targets because of the blond warrior who appeared out of the air and sliced them. Thelmus smiled when he saw who she was. His blood was boiling in anticipation.
One of his preys had appeared.
“Hello Deneve,” he said, licking his lips, “I was looking for you.”
Deneve unsheathed her second claymore, readying them for their fatal dance.
A golden fire burned in her eyes.
* *
Helen’s arm shot like a whip and her claymore brought down several trees around her. Screaming in uncontrollable rage, the silver eyed woman slashed at every tree like if they were her worst enemies. (awkward)
She hated that town! She hated those stupid people, she hated that salty air and above everything else, she hated her mother! The same mother that had sold her to an organization that would cut her body and mix her flesh with the flesh of a demon.
It was stupid to come back there. Why did she want to come back after all?
It was just another stupid idea in her already long list of stupid ideas. Or did she have another reason to come return to her birthplace?
Maybe to see her mother once again…
“NO! I…HATE…HER!”
Helen jumped and, while on air, she twisted her arm and descended, breaking the ground with a devastating Drill-sword.
Helen jumped out of the small crater that had been created and looked at the starry sky, the same sky that she had watched so many times during her childhood when she could run in the beach during hours, enjoy the waves of the sea and eat apples on the woods, all of this with her mo… (run-on)
Helen shook his head to dismiss those memories. “It’s decided. Tomorrow early (incorrect grammar), I will return to Rabona to never come back. Helena can rot in Hell as far as I’m concerned.”
Helen stretched herself and was already picking the best spot to sleep when she felt like her head was going to explode.
The Yoki was gigantic, monstrous...
It had appeared so suddenly that nothing could prepare Helen to that abrupt feeling. She turned in the direction of the town. There was something there, something that was fighting Deneve.
“Isn’t this the Yoki of that guy, that Thelmus?”
All of her anger forgotten, Helen rushed to the town to help her friend when her right leg failed and she fell hard on the ground. There was yet another gigantic Yoki coming in their direction.
“What the hell his happening around here?” she though, standing up and continuing to run. Begging for her legs to not fail her. (fragment)
Deneve needed her and she wouldn’t let another friend die.
Not after Pieta! (corny)
* *
Deneve stared sadly at the dead bodies that were everywhere. Most of them were unrecognizable due to their gruesome deaths.
“Helena, please take the people to safety,” she said, looking to nothing but Thelmus, “This might be a devastating battle.”
Helen nodded “Please be careful.”
“I remember you. Jullianna’s Lord, Thelmus, right?” Deneve said as soon as she saw that the people were far away, “This time you are alone.”
“Indeed I am,” he said, ignoring every thing but Deneve, “My master has decided that it’s time for you to play your role on his plans.”
“Who is this master that you talk about? Who do you serve?”
Thelmus waved his fist forward and clenched it “I serve only the High Lord of Darkness, Darkhenus himself. (too direct) You will meet him very soon, don’t worry. Where is Helen?”
“She is not here.”
“You're lying to me. Our Eye felt her Yoki coming from this town,” Thelmus said, looking around.
“I do not tell lies,” Deneve answered, “I guess we don’t have anything more to talk about. I will strike you down and avenge every life that you’ve taken.”
“That is impossible for you,” Thelmus unsheathed his claymore and pointed its edge towards Deneve, “I took this claymore from a number 3 I killed. Allow me to make you feel the taste of your own weapon for the first time.”
Deneve assumed a defensive stance with her twin claymores crossed and her right foot in front of the left. Thelmus raised his own weapon in the diagonal.
“You know what?” he said. “I was told to bring you unharmed but this is so much more fun.”
With these words, Thelmus disappeared and appeared behind Deneve. She raised her claymores to parry the first downwards slash and stepped aside to avoid the second. The man slashed downwards again and the woman blocked his strike with her crossed claymores. Deneve blocked one strike…two…three…four…five…
Thelmus’s strength was impossible (wrong word to describe strength) and Deneve knew that she couldn’t hold own for much longer, so she stepped aside and let Thelmus’s claymore pass by her. He lost his balance, but was able to recover it in the middle of the movement and slashed to his right side, aiming for Deneve’s stomach. She defended herself with her left claymore and attacked her nemesis with her right claymore. Thelmus dodged it but Deneve didn’t give up and she persisted with her strikes; Thelmus danced between those twins claymores, avoiding every cut. He slashed upwards in the diagonal but Deneve jumped back.
“Just give up. You can’t beat me!” he yelled while pursuing her.
Deneve attacked with her twin claymores but Thelmus swung his own and pushed them aside; he tried to stab her and Deneve twisted her waist to avoid the attack; she saw that she was with her right shoulder turned to Thelmus so she attacked with her right claymore. (very, very run-on) Thelmus kneeled and tried to chop off Deneve’s legs; she jumped and stabbed at him from above; the man rolled aside and got up at the same time that Deneve started attacking again.
Thelmus raised his weapon to block a strike that came in the direction of his head and had to twist his wrists to bring it down to block the other claymore. Deneve slashed upwards, Thelmus let them slide on the flap side of his claymore and pointed with the edge of his weapon to Deneve; she thought that he was going to stab her but, in the middle of the movement, he twisted his wrist and turned the attack into a diagonal strike that was coming from above; the woman crossed her claymores and blocked the strike.
The two warriors were now tied in a match of strengths; Deneve sent a burst of Yoki through her muscles, the veins on her arms becoming very salient and her face started to mutate a little. She was pushing with all the strength she had. However, Thelmus was even smiling; if he was making any effort at all, he wasn’t showing it. Deneve sent another burst of Yoki and Thelmus was pushed back some centimetres but even after, the Dragon-Kin just kept on smiling.
“C’mon. Just Awaken, already.”
However, Deneve acted differently; she twisted her claymores, pushing Thelmus’s blade aside and kicked him right between his legs. Even he was vulnerable to that kind of attack.
“Holy…shit…” he said with a very weak voice.
Deneve slashed downwards with both claymores but Thelmus stepped aside and kicked her in the stomach, sending her flying away before he was brought down on one knee by the pain. Deneve (don't start two sentences in a row with the same word) rose from the ruins of the house where she had landed and seized that opportunity to rest a little. Thelmus was undoubtedly stronger and faster. He also knew very well how to use a claymore.
That could become very dangerous if the fight lasted much longer.
Fortunately for Deneve, it was at that moment that Helen arrived. The apple loving former-claymore ran to the side of her friend.
“You took you time didn’t you, Helen?” said Deneve.
“Sorry about it,” Helen excused herself, “I come as soon as I felt his Yoki.”
Helen looked at Thelmus and she saw that he still had on knee on the ground. “What did you do to him?”
“I kicked him where it hurts them most.” Deneve answered.
“You…kicked him?” Even in such a dangerous situation, Helen could avoid laughing. (so is she laughing or not...?), "I guess you found his weak spot.”
A fragile smile appeared on Deneve’s face but it dissipated when the rocks around them started moving like if they had their own will. The duo looked at Thelmus and their hearts almost stopped.
The Dragon-kin was staring at them with a deadly look; waves of red Yoki were swirling around his body. Helen felt those menacing black eyes penetrating her again, reading her soul like an open book.
“I go easy on them and this is how they repay me,” roared Thelmus; his dark canines were very visible. “I will make you pay!”
Even Helen and Deneve were crushed by Thelmus’s Yoki. He was clearly furious. The duo raised their claymores, readying themselves for the collision.
But the collision didn’t come because Thelmus had to jump aside to avoid the dark projectiles that were sent against him. Helen and Deneve stared speechless at the one that had sent those projectiles.
It was a gigantic dark centaur whose left hand had the form of a bow.
“Thelmus!” roared Isley, “Let’s finish what we started 100 years ago!"
Thelmus looked closely at the Awakened Being and his eyes opened with amazement; he had acknowledged him by who he was (grammatically incorrect). “I remember you. You were the one that gave me this, all those years ago,” he said, pointing to the scar on his forehead.
Isley sent another wave of arrows against Thelmus. The Dragon-kin jumped aside and landed on all four members.
“I guess I will have to fight seriously this time.”
The waves of Yoki that were swirling around Thelmus’s body turned into a red pillar that rose into the sky as he started to mutate into his Dragon-form.
Isley turned his hands into a shield and an axe.
Once again, he would have to fight an Abyssal-level fighter.
Next chapter Evil vs Evil: Isley vs Thelmus. Place your bets now
Review:
You still retain ALL of the mistakes I have corrected the past two chapters. I suggest you edit it yourself before posting; it really does help. Sometimes, when you write something for the first time, you don't notice such details. Try to step away from it, and imagine your work was someone else's and look at it with a critial eye.
Try asking these questions to yourself as you edit:
- Has every been spelt correctly?
- Is the grammar correct?
- Would this make sense to the reader?
- Are there a sufficient amount of adjectives and adverbs to fully describe the setting/feel/mood I am trying to set up?
- Do I see the scenes like a movie running through my mind as I read this?
Also, when you write action scenes, I see you tend to just write things as it happens. It gets boring after awhile; you should add some imagery into your action scenes to make them beautiful and realistic. If you just go: x did this, and y dodged that, the reader gets bored of reading the story.
You are too straight forward when revealing something; try to be more subtle, as it creates suspense and makes the reader want to read even more. Sometimes it is good to make the reader walk in circles before you get to the point  .
I'll repeat again: edit it yourself before posting!  Hot off the press items are never at their best. |
Thanks for the editing and the advice.
I edit it myself but I always let something escape.
What do you exactly mean by repetitive mistakes? Run-ons and stuff like that?
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