[innominate]

Heyya! =)

Since you took time off to comment on my oneshot, I thought I might drop by to speak a word or two.

So let's begin =)

Spoiler for the harsh-er D::

Normally I read very much into style, which is basically what keeps the reader eying for more. Why do I feel like I've written this somewhere before?

Your style is: matter of factly. The way I see it, you've been writing alot of I did, I felt, she did, she felt. I know you don't do that all the time, but for most of the journey... =)

Not saying that being matter of factly a bad thing, but to write a piece of fiction matter of factly would require one to conform to a particularly rigid structure. Which is extremely difficult to keep up in the long run. Also, this means that you have to play alot more with descriptions rather than emotions.

Secondly, watch out, you are only developing two characters, which is insufficient. I know you write about some minors, but these don't really play a large role in the character relationships. You can't keep on writing about two characters because the only in-depth interaction possible would be between themselves.

You can avoid this by including a 1) love rival 2) overarching antagonist.

Lastly, please do not, push romantic relationships on your own as a writer. If you get what I mean. I'm not a good storywriter (I only write oneshot), but I can tell you that, it is always best to have the reader/viewer/appreciator conceive the notion of love on their own.

I know it's hard to refrain from spilling your emotions onto paper, but bear in mind that your readers don't have the same in-depth understanding of the characters as you do; your readers are always one step behind you in character understanding, which means you have to try to follow their train of thought rather than your own =)

Spoiler for the not-so-harsh =):

You write dialogue pretty well. Which is good. But you shouldn't base your entire story on dialogue. Describe too =)

And, you also do character dichotomy quite okay. It's good that I'm not reading a story where both protagonists share the same character, a syndrome which many new writers suffer from. But I'm telling you this so you won't deviate, which alot of people do subsequently.

One way to curb this would be to employ character stereotypes, which you have done (I see, a tsundere? and an emo daoist). This is a good thing to do, but if you want to develop your characters further, you would have to remove the stereotyping as the story progresses.

Thirdly, you write alot of words. Damn, I wish I could write 2k words in even five hours, seriously.

Also, you have partly inspired me to start writing my story. And I've not written stories for like a year and a half or so (as aforementioned, I only do pulp fiction/prose and poetry). Cheers =)

Spoiler for nitpicking:

I don't nitpick, sorry, err, but I do spot some sentence irregularities... Don't want to wake the inner troll in inno. ;D

So that's all for today, I need to get down to writing xD... hope I helped! =)