[Triple_R]

Wow, so many great and thankfully detailed replies! Well, I intend to get to all of them in this post. To cut down on space, though, I'm going to take a page out of my own fanfic and put each individual reply inside of its own spoiler space, lol.

First though, I have an Important Announcement to make!

I'm pretty sure I have found an artist for the VN version of this!

You can locate her here. Here is the piece of Madoka Magica artwork she's done that drew my attention. My view on that piece of artwork is that it's 90 to 95% on-model, but making the main cast look slightly more feminine across the board. In other words, perfect for the purposes of a VN.

Anyway, I'd encourage every reader of my fanfic that wants to see this become a VN to drop this deviantArtist a Note of support and thanks.


Now, as for the fanfic alone, at this juncture, I'm pretty confident I'll have it completed by mid-April at the latest, possibly sooner. That's just to give my readers a general sense of the time-frame here.


Finally, reader feedback on my OC Antagonist and Sayaka/Homura narration has been heard loud and clear. As such, I'm making certain alterations to the Mami Lives chains, and you'll likely see a bit more Sayaka narration (and possibly Homura narration) in the future.

However, there was one particular Special End Scenario that will be lost due to my planned changes. That End Scenario will be given out as a sort of "Bonus Extra" in a "Deleted Scenes" write-up I do once the fanfic is completed.


Anyway, unto specific individual replies.

Spoiler for Kogetsu Response:

Originally Posted by Kogetsu Shirogane

... Okay, it's getting confusing for me to remember branches as "Mami Lives - Mami Friendship - Sayaka Romance," so I'm just going to start nicknaming these things. Hopefully in a manner that makes things funny.

Your nicknames were pretty funny, yeah. I guess that Madoka and Sayaka's wild hair-colors kind of fits the "touch the rainbow!" motif of Skittles, too.

Sadly, it seems this Kotomi girl wasn't meant to be, as I couldn't imagine bringing myself to put that much strain on Mami and her relationship with Madoka...

I honestly think that a certain Kotomi of a different anime looks like she could be Sayaka and Kamijo's daughter. What do you think?

One last remark... I happen to be quite fond of your choice of music here. And while I'd much rather it not be associated with Sayaka's death, it's rather fitting for this.

Thanks a lot for the comment on the music!

I'm glad that this chapter seemed to really resonate with you. Maybe it even resonated as well as Kotomi's violin does when she plays it.

Spoiler for Dr. Casey response:

Originally Posted by Dr. Casey

Oh boy... I'm pretty far behind, aren't I? It's been almost a month since I last posted. Starting with Chapter 6 then (Skipping over Chapter 5 for my commentary because it never occured to me to write down the things I want to comment on until Chapter 6)... Mami's eloquent dressing down of Homura in Opportunity Choice 3B was very cool and well-written, and I think it's very refreshing somehow to watch an alternate timeline where everyone makes better choices than during the series proper. Kind of reminds me of Higurashi and how empowering it felt to see everyone overcome their past mistakes during the final two story arcs. Makes me hopeful that it's possible to earn an ending that lacks the tragic elements of the original bittersweet ending (Which was a great ending, but I'd still appreciate being able to get a purely happy one).

Love the Higurashi comparison. Higurashi is indeed a bit of an inspiration for my work here. Glad you liked Mami's dialogue in Chapter 6. My view on Mami is that she's firm but measured with her human/magical girl enemies. She does a great job of tempering diplomacy with a pragmatic recognition that you can't always reason with people.

I very much enjoyed Mami's battle against Charlotte. It was exciting (Which is a bit rare for me since writing has to be one of the most difficult mediums to craft a good battle with), and Madoka's awestruck description of the fight was sweet.

It's true that it's had to convey an exciting battle with words alone. Thankfully, the witch fights are displayed pretty good by SHAFT, and so simply describing them as precisely as possible with excited Madoka narration tends to do the trick.

The real challenge for me will be fanfic-original fights. I hope I can do decently with those.

Describing Mami's death as akin to someone being hung made for nice imagery -

That's honestly what it made me think of the first time I saw it.

. Chapter 6 is where the complexity of the story's branching paths started to disorient me a bit, though it's not nearly as overwhelming as later on.

The good thing about this being converted into a VN is that it'll enable you to follow one route to completion in a more natural way, with no distractions from alternate routes. So that's something to look forward to.

Madoka's a nice kisser, huh? (I know, I'm terrible... I'm about 55-65 years old whenever Madoka is born... I've just always found her the most attractive character somehow.)

I honestly think Madoka's sex appeal is a bit understated within the PMMM fandom. I perceive Madoka as a romantic (in the philosophical sense of the term, as described at that link), and when you combine that with her charming ideals and personal style, it does create a certain allure I think. I definitely think that this is part of what draws Sayaka to her, at a deeper level.

And I laughed at Kyubey's "That's up to them!" Overly eager much? And man, C1C was intense. I'm guessing these three are too mature and levelheaded to have things degenerate into a bitter clusterfuck of a love triangle (Not that I'd mind that - I am a School Days fan, after all) though I hope the drama hasn't completely been defused because I like drama.

If I write a route similar to School Days' more infamous ones, you'll be the reason why. Congrats.

Mami's backstory with the first girl she developed feelings for was really interesting, and is sadly characteristic of the sort of experiences that many non-straight people have growing up (Like a friend I made last semester at school that was bullied growing up for being gay).

I'm glad that bit felt real rather than contrived. That's good then. Like yourself, I hope there's not too many real life stories like it come the 2050s and 2060s though.

"Is there anything else you'd like him to sacrifice to you, Madoka?" Oh, Sayaka.

Well, that would simply make Madoka like almost every other female cast member of Nise, but I digress... Glad you liked the joke there, as well as the Urobuchi candy bar joke.

Madoka... NTRing Sayaka, leading Homura on, and in the end you might go for Kyoko anyway. I bet Kyubey loves all this negative energy you're giving to him, you little heartbreaker.

lol! It just occurred to me that Kyubey might have been the guy that wrote School Days.

I loved Opportunity Choice 5, definitely one of my favorite parts of this story so far. The idea of Madoka being invited to a rave party is interesting, I doubt that someone as pure and innocent at Madoka would feel comfortable at such a place.

I have to admit I sometimes like going a bit wild with Madoka's character, lol. While I really like her character as is, it's fun to imagine her in really atypical contexts and situations.

The idea you mentioned of an angry, bitter, vindictive Madoka sounds sexy interesting, though honestly I have trouble picturing her reaching that sort of state; what you said that one time is true, Madoka has a less than normal amount of malice in her heart. I'd still enjoy that sort of transformation, though, and if nothing else it could be featured in an Opportunity Choice somewhere down the road.

I'll keep your suggestion in mind.

Madoka falling asleep on Mami's lap was cute. ^^ I really like reading about them, their relationship's very tender and romantic.

That's what I've been aiming for, so I'm glad I hit the write note there.

Were I going down this route, I think I'd have gone for MOCA. MOCB is certainly more in-character, I think - I find it very hard to imagine the super innocent Madoka of Timeline 5 agreeing to Mami's offer so readily (Though I could picture the more confident Madoka of Timeline 1 doing so) - but MOCA's the more interesting choice. Too bad Junko probably thinks her daughter's a whore now. "Man, Madoka, not even I was ever that fast... you really are a slut, aren't you?"

lol!

"That girl sure loves her secrets, doesn't she?" Haha. I love Sayaka's gruff aggravation with Homura. I think it would be interesting to see Sayaka with Mami's hairstyle in the Visual Novel, perhaps even adopting a new character model if she does model her hair in that fashion later on.

Enjoy.

I really enjoyed the flashback to the first meeting of Madoka and Sayaka. It's very true to life the way that little kids try to strike up 'relationships' so quickly sometimes (The courting process becomes a lot more complicated later on), and it's touching the way that Sayaka never really forgot the way she felt when Madoka asked to be her girlfriend. That really does seem like the sort of thing that would stick with you. And I have to admit that come Choice 11, I had no idea what I was supposed to be thanking Homura for because I'd lost my point in the story. It's getting hard to untangle this story's twenty billion branching paths. Ah well, I like it this way.

I'm glad this all worked well for you!

... Sexclaimed? >_>

I'm going to let that typo stay as is. It's too funny given what Sayaka was saying when she "sexclaimed" it.

Oh, and "That's... *teleports* ... easier said than done." was badass. Homura <3

Probably the most fun three lines I wrote in the entire fanfic, lol.

And I actually like Emperor Jinnai quite a lot.

Yes! Somebody who likes him who (I think) hasn't seen the El Hazard anime.

Good to know my all-time favorite anime villain can work well as an inspiration for an OC villain.

He's charismatic, sounds like he has an interesting past, and I'm curious as to his relationship to the Incubators. Do you have a backstory mapped out for him yet,

Yes, I do. It'll come up in Chapter 10.

... and now I see that you posted a new update while I was writing this. I'm getting braindead, so I'll save this newest addition for later. This continues to be a very nice story though, I think I'll start posting every Friday or two to review this.

Sounds great to me! I'll be looking forward to it, Dr. Casey.

Spoiler for Deikan response:

Originally Posted by Deikan

The read was definitely worth the wait hats off to you as always "Thumbs up". I literally spent over 25-35 minutes going over all of the scenarios and how each of the characters interacted, reacted, and gave insight of their feelings regarding their own agendas and other choices that could affect not only their lives, but of those around them. You've done a really phenomenal job of doing that.

Thanks a lot! ^_^

Part One:

Current Mami x Madoka Route Scenario:

I enjoyed the way you've transitioned the parts of a happy loving couple who love each other deeply to how their relationship could be possibly threatened.

I'm going to give some credit to Sol on this one, as Sol and I talked over some ideas via PMs.

In this scenario Madoka is tore between her keeping the promise she with Homura about not becoming a magical girl and staying in a deep loving relationship with Mami. I liked how you captured how Mami is a magical girl who's forced to bear the world on her shoulders and takes her failures (ie. saving Hitomi) pretty hard and responsibilities seriously.Madoka is someone who has to sit on the sidelines praying for the safety of her friends and girlfriend, unless she makes a decision that could end up hurting her friends, the person she made a promise with, and the person she loves. It showed how their relationship progressed over a short period of time and how realistic it feels when we face insecurities regarding the safety and the responsibilities of ours friends and loved ones.

Spoiler for Prime Example:

Mami was thinking of possibly breaking things off with Madoka so that she can resume her magical girl responsibilities. Like Homura to an extent, she seems to hate the idea of Madoka become a magical girl in the last couple of romance chains I've read.

As for Sayaka she's definitely torn between keeping things the same between her and Kamijou or take a risk and give him the happiness he could obtain again. Sayaka's characters strikes me as someone who can't handle heavy burdens or risks pretty well, but despite those flaws she can be strong minded girl as what she has shown in the series.

Spoiler for Prime Example:

During the second choice of when Madoka encourages Sayaka to become a magical girl and she got wish she wanted. Hitomi got in the way of her having a relationship with Kamijou knowing that she liked him first and took the time to be there for him during his depression. Homura warned her about the wish part will only bring misfortune but went with it despite the risk. Like the anime her regrets mixed with the lack of resolve to accept the changed caused her downfall, despite Homura's objections and fair warnings.

Very well said.

Ending Critics:

First Ending:

Spoiler for Verdict:

My heart broke when Mami died especially when her and Madoka were going to get married, and Madoka had to live on despite the pain she and live for her sake as well as Mami's. I know it sounds weird but it really made me sad. Kyoko as the priestess for the wedding, nicely done. You sure pay attention to your Madoka homework

Second Ending:

Spoiler for Verdict:

I really liked it. It shows that there was a way for magical girls to prevent becoming witches in a more "safe" way. Yuri I approve "thumbs up". The way you've written it, in my eyes, was convincing and beautiful. Sayaka's sacrifice was really touching and I'm glad that Mami and Madoka will always together, my favourite pairing in the series Mami x Madoka ftw

I'm glad that the Superman ending was appropriately super for you.

I'm also glad that the emotional impact of Mami's death in the other ending came across well.

Part Two:

Current Madoka x Sayaka's Route Scenario:

I really like the pace of their current romantic relationship (Sayaka is my second favourite heroine in the series).

Spoiler for Madoka and Sayaka's New Relationship:

During the park scene I found it cute how the two are coming to grips with their new found relationship. It's understandable considering that they've been best friends for years and now they're taking their relationship to the next level, with I'm sure a bit of hint of intimacy. What impressed me is when they were playing together at Sayaka's house, they've consented to take things slow as in contrast to Mami their relationship kind of felt like lust (romance was obviously there though) but as a Mami fan I enjoyed 110% of it because the pairing is awesome, and it's great writing on your part in my opinion. Getting back on topic; I hope that you can keep the "slow" pace of their relationship, plus add the intimate features bit by bit, be a tease, but keep your pace.

My thinking here is that Madoka/Mami is more or less that intense "love at first sight" sort of relationship where quick, passionate pace makes sense. However, a transition from a long-standing friendship to a romance should probably be more subtle and gradual than that, so that's why I'm taking that approach with Madoka/Sayaka. That, plus my view on Mami is that she herself is a flirtatious Mrs. Smooth, while Madoka and Sayaka are more normal/average in their ability to make confessions, display romantic affection or desire, etc...

Part Three:

Homura and Madoka Affection Act:

Spoiler for Affection Choices:

It's nice to see you've put a more "human" emphasis on Homura ice queen personality. I know in the anime we see more sides to her and I liked how you allowed her to keep her "mask" as the ice princess and the "mask" of a girl who loves/treasures Madoka with her life. Since their relationship is practically canon to the original (I'm sure the Sayaka and Mami counted as well), I definitely enjoy her cryptic interactions with the other girls and I like learning more about her.

Thanks. I will admit though that Homura's very emotional response here is heavily influenced by the Homura/Madoka scene of Episode 11 (the hug one).

Spoiler for Pros:

You've pulled off another winner out of the hat. I enjoyed these scenarios and I have faith that the next segment will be even better. I give you a 9/10 in terms of scenarios, relationship development, length was excellent, and the pace where the girl interacts with each other both positively and negatively

Spoiler for Cons:

Take Sayaka and Madoka's romantic relationship a bit slow, that's all. (All is explained in the Madoka and Sayaka romance column)

Phenomenal work as always and keep going at your own pace. I'll be waiting!!

Thanks a lot!

Spoiler for Sol Falling response:

Originally Posted by Sol Falling

Great work on yet another chapter. Wow, the extent of all of these different possibilities and the endings they lead to is really fascinating.

Thanks. Glad you're liking it!

On the Mami romance route, I see that there is only one route which will lead to continuing developments in the story: Sayaka becoming a magical girl. The cases where both Madoka and Sayaka either reject becoming magical girls or decide to do so together are interesting in being bittersweet, with the losses of one or the other of the characters, yet in the end still leading to some degree of happiness.

My sense is that anybody who gets to this point in the story probably deserves at least a bittersweet ending (especially due to successfully saving Mami). My sense is also that one of the three choices implicitly favors Mami most, one choice implicitly favors Sayaka most (given Homura's warnings), and the other is inbetween. And so I wrote special ends with that in mind.

I have to admit, the new development where mahou shoujo are able to cleanse their Soul Gems by making love to each other seemed like an amazingly convenient solution to the story, but it is still such an amusing and fun addition to the story that it wasn't bad at all.

All I'm going to say here is that there is a method to my "convenient" madness here. Through chatting with Kogetsu, I can tell that he's already figured it out. It'll be interesting to see who else does before I make the reveal in a future update.

Of course, there's also the fact that VNs are largely about happy romance ends, so either a means must be found for magical girls to "live happily ever after" or a means must be found to turn them back into normal girls (without involving the use of wishes). The other idea I had for this was pretty lolzy (I was thinking of having a Puella Magi OC Hero based on the Morning Rescue commercial and have him give magical Morning Rescue drinks to magical girls to turn them back to normal girls ), so I went with this approach instead.

Also, at the same time, the alienating effect of Madoka alone staying back and not becoming a mahou shoujo might end up distancing her in her relationship with Mami. Beyond that, I've also noticed a certain lack of Homura in this route where Madoka's already committed herself to a romance with Mami. I imagine there's good reason for that--Homura saved Mami, only to somehow have enabled a romantic relationship between her and Madoka--there's a certain fairly strong element of NTR there, lol.

That's my thinking too, lol.

Now as to the Mami-Friendship side of the developments. Haha, I have to agree with some other posters that the shy/awkward MadoSaya romantic scenes are extremely cute.

I'm glad that came across well.

However, at the present moment, the immediate threats or conflict do seem to be somewhat subdued. You mentioned that this would've been your personally preferred route as well, so I wonder what you have in mind.

Originally, Emperor Jinnai was going to be in multiple chains. But I have a back-up plan for fighting conflict here, don't worry. As for romance drama, I have a couple ideas here too. How far I go with it depends on how lolzy I decide to be.

With regards to the issues you've brought up about whom to inform about Madoka and Sayaka's relationship. Kogetsu Shirogane did make a good point about how it feels like we've lead Mami on. Having disappointed Mami's romantic hopes, I do wonder whether there'd be any smooth or tactful way to inform her that Madoka's instead formed a romantic relationship with Sayaka.

Good point by you and Kogetsu here.

(Also, as far as Hitomi's "forbidden love" comments go--I do wonder whether Hitomi's exaggerated reactions to this kind of stuff haven't hidden a buried attraction to yuri herself (lol). As one tentative step towards the polyamourous possibilities of this story, given that Madoka and Sayaka are both still normal girls, I wonder if Madoka and Sayaka's sympathy to Hitomi's jealousy over their relationship might not be able to rope Hitomi into it :P. Given Madoka's timid personality (at least in this timeline), we may need to start small somewhere if she is ever to become a glorious Harem Queen.)

I'll keep your suggestion in mind. What you write about Hitomi is at least possibly true.

As for the chain where Madoka friendzoned Mami and Sayaka and didn't have enough affection points to open the route with Homura, she's now currently looking very lonely. I can't help wondering whether that'll lead to Bad End for Madoka there.

It might. At least a romantic level.

Good stuff though. I'm also curious where you'll lead that route of the story.

Pretty massive chapter full of fascinating possibilities this time. Good work. Thanks for all your updates thus far, and do keep it up.

Thanks a lot! I hope to have Chapter 10 up sometime tomorrow.

Spoiler for Coldlight response:

Originally Posted by Coldlight

Mami Lives, Chapter 4: Mami Friendship Chain

Well, this one was pretty much straightforward. That's not a bad thing in itself, and I didn't really find anything objectionable. Since I chose [SOC1B] last time, I went into "MadoSaya begins" and "Sayaka Stays a Normal Girl". What I liked about it is that both Madoka and Sayaka have come to an agreement to take their relationship slowly forward. Basically, I agree with Deikan here. I'm impressed by their decision not to rush things. Especially now that they've both declined to make the contract, the risk of sudden death in combat that was a potential reason to rush the romance was lessened greatly. They have time to take things slowly, than if one or both of them were Puella Magi. Plus, I think it's cuter this way.

Agreed. My view is that both Madoka and Sayaka are actually very careful and considerate girls who would rather not recklessly rush things, especially when they have a longstanding friendship that is important to both of them.

Come to think of it, Triple_R, you have essentially achieved here what you were originally planning for "Love Shatters Ice". MadoSaya without the problem of contracts with Kyuubey.

Right. I'm glad that's your take on it too.

Just so everybody else here knows, "Love Shatters Ice" was an experimental MadoSaya fanfic I shared with just Coldlight and Kogetsu. It was pretty short, and about half of it has already been integrated into this VN-style fanfic, so nobody's really missing much there.

Integrating parts of it for Sayaka's route was a very good move. It's the most natural choice in this case, yes?

Agreed. I'm glad you approve.

And wow, those were some impressively long replies you already have there, so I kept mine relatively short.
Good work once again.

Thanks! However, if you have any comments to make on the Mami Romance bits, feel free to share. I do consider you the resident expert on all things Sayaka, Coldlight, so your feedback on her character in any section is much-appreciated. I even joked to Kogetsu that if you somehow failed to get enough Sayaka affection points to go on her romance route then I'd seriously considering redoing the choices for her, lol.

And phew, finally done. Thanks a bunch for all the great replies.