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Old 2011-04-28, 17:21   Link #101
Akashin
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Quote:
Originally Posted by adorable plum View Post
Ok here is the new updated version of the first chapter. Liking it?

Spoiler for Chapter 1 - Last entry into her diary:
Holy wall of text. @_@

That aside, this is still really interesting. The diary entry is much easier to swallow when it's Homura's thoughts rather than Madoka's, and it actually sounds like thoughts she would have (we'll ignore the fact that Homura doesn't seem the type to care much for keeping a diary in the first place). The bit I bolded is the only serious problem I could have, since it really bugged me for some reason. I can only assume you mean tears, and while elaborate imagery is all well and good, sometimes tears are just tears.

Like most issues I have with things, though, this is probably more of a personal squick than criticism you should take seriously.
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