Quote:
Originally Posted by adorable plum
Ok here is the new updated version of the first chapter. Liking it?
Spoiler for Chapter 1 - Last entry into her diary:
Madoka Magica - Dooming Wish
It is the name of an ancient love,
Two maidens who govern magical powers,
The peace of this newly born hope their hands protect.
Chapter 1 - Last entry into her diary
Small near crystalline droplets were purchasing ground on her cheeks as she opened her battered diary. The last page of it. This far the two of them had never gotten before but still the looming doom above their heads was tearing her up and her tears flowed without hesitation. Homura watched her friend with a distant glimmer and mused what she would be writing if it was her diary.
12.07.2014
It has been long since I have been able to write something in a calm hour lately. The Incubators are coming closer to find our hiding place once more. Madoka has been calm the last few hours, she probably thinks another end is near once again and preserves her magic energy supply as much as possible. With each cycle the Incubators were becoming aware of us more quickly and respond to us with ever more ferocity. I write this in hope that in this time I may be able to prevent someone else making the same mistake as me, Madoka and any other Magical Girl. The Incubators are evil and cruel to mankind playing some kind of important game on the shoulders of us Magical Girls. If you read this please hear my voice and never contract with an Incubator. Nothing good will come of it! Despair will consume you and everyone you love! The story of Madoka and me has become obscure irony after my mistake of letting her contract. My wish that made me a Magical Girl has gone so very wrong... Kyuube deceived me promising my wish could change Madoka's fate who I want to protect with everything I got, yet I was not powerful enough and though this wish changed two fates. Madoka's and mine, we are still trapped in a nightmare so ever lasting it even might see the end of all other existence. Suddenly exempt from the system with a different system in place for just the two of us Walpurgis Night was not defeated but we were, by Madoka's wish to protect the world! Our misery became certain and inescapable reality once the Incubators discovered the true nature of her wish. Magical Girls suddenly would not give emotional energy upon converting to witches anymore and would not serve any purpose to the ever plotting Incubator race anymore. Well it is not entirely true that Magical Girls do not give energy anymore. All but two are like that. Upon death Madoka and I have been the most delicious energy snack for Kyuube ever in existence and thus he pursues us never ceasing. If death would be the end however I could rest next to Madoka in peace content to have seen her blissful smile a last time... But life has been torturing us ever since it became impossible for Madoka to change the Magical Girl system through her wish. Every time we die, releasing more energy the more prolonged and painful our death is, we are reincarnated immediatly giving the Incubators another new target to chase, as Madoka's and my wish granted us near immortality.
The only that keeps me going is... Madok...
The door burst open and a gust of wind startled the two inhabitants as they warily looked up to the open door. Three Magical Girls with mean looking weapons were just outside of their temporary sanctuary grinning and them with unhidden disgust and hate.
"Time to die evil witches!" One of the three shouted, yet in a second gust that blew through the door, both Homura and Madoka were gone, leaving just a small ticking package onto which a card leaned reading: "I am sorry."
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Holy wall of text. @_@
That aside, this is still really interesting. The diary entry is much easier to swallow when it's Homura's thoughts rather than Madoka's, and it actually sounds like thoughts she would have (we'll ignore the fact that Homura doesn't seem the type to care much for keeping a diary in the first place). The bit I bolded is the only serious problem I could have, since it really bugged me for some reason. I can only assume you mean tears, and while elaborate imagery is all well and good, sometimes tears are just tears.
Like most issues I have with things, though, this is probably more of a personal squick than criticism you should take seriously.