It looks good, although it's not that long. It's to expected since it's 1st person POV. The chip thing was funny.
Here's a random one from the date peepers.
Spoiler:
POV: Irish
Location: Shopping Mall.
I was waiting for Bodewig to finish changing into those casual clothes she bought earlier.
'It's awkward being here'
The place was obviously made for female customers. The clothes around me ranged from dresses to skirts and the lack of other males was...uncomfortable.
"Hey, is that a guy?"
"I dunno, it's kind of hard to tell"
Females from all over were all around me and most of them kept pointing in my direction. I had to resist the urge to yell at them, knowing Laura she'd skin me alive.
"Hey, Irish"
'That's Bodewig's voice' I turn around and look at the dressing room. "What is it?" I ask.
"This thing is hard to put on, I need your help."
"Can't you do it yourself?"
"I just said I couldn't."
"Fine, at least it's not Sarashiki."
I enter the changing room to help her, it's not like anything will happen anyway.
POV: Kyuukai.
"Did you see that? He just went into the changing room!" I point out to Tatenashi.
She just sighed before speaking, "It's fine, I'm sure nothing is-"
Her voice was interrupted by another.
"Wait, it's too tight!"
"Just stay still! I can't put this in if you keep fidgeting!"
"It's too big to fit! I won't be able to walk if you keep trying to push it in!"
"Just stay quiet, you wanted this and now you're complaining?"
"I didn't think it'd be so-Ow!"
"There! It's finally in!"
The conversation stopped.
"..."
"..."
Tatenashi and me stood still in shock after what we heard, they couldn't possibly be....no that's impossible.
"Alright, time for your behind. Bend over, I can't do this if you're sanding up straight."
"Alright, just be more gentle this time."
"Quit complaining."
Please tell me what you think.