Quote:
Originally Posted by sasahar17
“Dear Yuuya…”
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- I like it. Needs a bit more fine-tuning, I think--more on usage of terms, etc.
The one bit I think could be rephrased a bit differently is this:
Quote:
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Even though she was sitting on a simple foldout chair, Yui nevertheless felt lifeless. Had she been standing, she was sure she collapse in a boneless heap.
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- It just comes off as a bit awkward. I know what you're trying to convey, but maybe try describing it differently? Other than that, nothing else really seems to be wrong with it.