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Old 2008-03-05, 22:19   Link #2023
Junkedcat
Floater
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Frosty Hill
Age: 30
Thanks Satashi for pointing out the errors. I kind of just pounded this one out quick without doing much of a read trough.
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I like the first/third person POV you have going on. How it's following Fate and her thoughts but is still third person. Nanoha being called "Princess" as a title instead of just by Fate made me smile. It's interesting.
I decided to use "Princess" because "that girl" was starting to get a little bit annoying. That and i want to keep Nanoha's name out of it until she tells Fate her name (a little first person controlling the third person).
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the "leading to a fumble" had me a little lost
I'll fix it in a final draft. What i meant is that she made worded her comment so that opened herself up to more harassment from Fate.
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I wouldn't be surprised if she was in the porno business to make ends meet
For some reason i feel like shooting that one down right now. Fates job pays enough.
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Princess's father doesn't like Fate :3 That will be great later.
You have no idea...

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Edit: I claim this page in the name of Landscaping!Fate
*Camera pans up the bank revealing Fate standing atop. With a lawnmower on one side, hedge trimmer on the other she stands proud holding a weed eater like it was a scepter. With the wind blowing the long hair from her ponytail she declares her title.*

"I AM THE LAWN QUEEN!"
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