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Old 2008-06-03, 13:31   Link #776
Σ(。дį(o--(ಠ益ಠ )
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Hotsprings Resort
Age: 31
Hmm. Well, I have the time, so I might as well.

Originally Posted by Raging Heart View Post
it's done, yep i made it, here is Karu's profile.

Name: Karu Takashi
Nickname: Lightning Devil.
Gender: Female.
Age: 14.
Birthday: 12th Feb.
Eyes: A mix of blue and gold
Hair: Black.
Magic System: Belka and Mid-childa.
Magic Color: blue, dark blue and black
Occupation/Rank: TSAB, Special Agent.
Mage Rank: B
Favored Element: Lightning and Shadow.
Device: Destiny.
Familiar: Willow.
Appearance: Karu looks like Fate, they both look like a twin but the hair color, eyes and style are not the same.
So good so far. However I'm a bit hesitant to accept the "looks like Fate but..." description. Expand upon it and make your own unique style and appearance rather than have Karu here look like a pseudo-clone of a character.

History: Karu lost her parents when they were at trip, she was the only survivor of her family, her life change from that day, Karu along with her parents went to cruise, the ship stopped at island, Karu along her parents and some of passenger went to look around, they all got in cave, the only thing Karu saw is the black hawk real form before she black out, she didnít remember anything of what happen, Karu moved to leave with her aunt and her family, Karu began to change both in her behavior and appearance, she become more aggressive, her blue eyes mix with gold, Karu is known as dangerous girl because she kicked ten boys on her own, Karu been castaway by others, she became lonely till she met a mage her name is Karai Tenshi who change Karuís life, Karu began to learn magic from her teacher Karai, Karu learned how to control black hawk abilities, when Karu active her black hawk mode, Karuís eyes become pure gold also a face of black hawk tattoo appear on her face (she looked like Devil Jin when the tattoo appear), Destiny was given to Karu by Karai, she learn how to create a familiar with a little help from Karai.
Ack. To be honest, this was a little difficult to read. Please work on the grammar and sentence structure.

Personality: Karu is the type of person who can be your friend and also your enemy that make her hard to figure. Not being afraid to speak her mind, Karu will speak regardless of who she upsets, Karu is type who work alone, sheís shy about the people who donít know, easily got embarrassing when someone tease her, sheís has sense of humor, sheís caring, kind and gentle, she also sensitive and hothead, aggressive Ė protective.
She's rather complex. I don't see anything wrong here.

Device name: Destiny
Device type: Intelligent Device
Stored mode: a pendant has blue jewel (looks the same as Raising heart)
Command Phrase: Strike.
Address Karu by: Master.
Destiny looks exactly like Bardiche but the bladed of axe is broad at the top and thinner at the bottom, thinning out in straight line, the jewel is blue, Destiny retrofitted with a revolver-style cartridge system, Destiny has three forms: Haken, Lightning blade and Spear.
Again, I don't like the "Looks like this but..." descriptions as it feels like a cop out. Take your time to describe how Destiny is in the shape of a long-handled halberd or axe, and not a copy of Bardiche.

Familiar: Willow is Karuís familiar, she has green eyes, she can change her from to a little fox, woman-fox, woman and fox-demon, her hair in woman-fox and woman is red, Willow process with fire element, sheís strong and powerful, also fast, Willow process with fire element.
Fine here too.

Barrier jacket/Knight armor:-

Barrier Jacket: dark blue blouse, sleeveless jacket, black trousers, belt, armor boots, black fingerless gloves.

Light Form: dark blue top, chest armor, steel gunlets and steel boot, belt.

Knight armor: dark blue top, black gloves, black and dark blue battle jacket, black trousers, mini open skirt, belt and the skirt gains several plated armor patches.
This is alright. Though I would like a description rather than a clothing list[/nitpick]

Fight Styles: hand to hand combat, marital arts and street fight.

Offensive Spells:

Lightning ball: Karu crouches a little and pulls a hand behind her. she focuses energy in the palm for about a second and a half, and then letís loose with a blue lightning ball.

Lightning Hammer: thunderbolt hit the target when Karu swing Destiny like a hammer.

Shadow coffin/s: this attack to catch and hit her target/s at same time then shock them.

Lightning befall:- this attack can uses to

Black Dragon nova: Black fire beams; that spell can only be done when Willow is around.

Massive lightning balls: balls of lightning appeared around Karu before it grow bigger and aim at her enemies.

Lightning Lancer: An attack that shoots several magic beams, which can then be controlled by Karu. This is a close second in terms of most used spells, mostly due to the increased hit rate and the ability to control the shots after firing.

Lightning swords: swords made of lightning aim at enemies.

Hawk claw: this spell only be use when Destiny in haken form.

Wing of death: this spell is powerful and can wipe up troops on mages.

Order of chaos: that spell is the most powerful of Karuís spell, this spell can destroy the enemies with single one blow (this spell can be done only when Karu in Black Hawk mode.)
I'm sure you've been called out on this already, but I find the descriptions very lacking. With simple descriptions like that, there's a high chance of misinterpretations and thus, h4x. We want to avoid that, so give us more description. Tell us what the spell visually looks like, how it's fired and what Karu has to do in order to invoke the spell.

Wing of Death here has that issue. Is it literally a giant wing? Or a wave of energy? The way it sounds now, it can take out just about anyone regardless of skill or rank.

Order of Chaos is also highly susceptible to gross misinterpretation. Better description is needed. As it stands, Order of Chaos can one-shot anyone from a TSAB grunt to Nanoha. It's not to say that it actually can, but that's how it may be translated as.

Also at the risk of sounding like a nitpicking ass, the names could use a little more creativity other than stuff like "Lightning Ball."[/QUOTE]

Defensive Spells:

Light flash: this spell can make someone blind for few moments, which make Karu escape.

Blocker: a defensive barrier such as Protection. It can defend a wide range of directions, but are relatively easy to break easily broken.

Shield: a defensive spell can only guard in one direction, but are much more difficult to penetrate. Itís much stronger can Blocker; this defends by repelling the energy driven against it.

Double shields: a defensive spell much stronger than Blocker and shield, it guard in two directions.

Force field: Defensive spell, it surrounds Karu or other in a blue field of energy.

Eco Scatter: Fires several bursts of magic like waves. Karu can also shatter the spheres, scattering them into many tiny magical particles into the air, which disrupt other magical abilities already active. When used like this, it is designed to break magical prisons, illusions, force fields and bindings.

Lightning binds: a spell can use to hold the mage on itís place.

Hawk Full Drive: a spell to power Destiny attacks or defensives.

Shadow Move: An instant movement speed, used to close or create short distances. Karu has mastered the use of Shadow Move in combination with Lightning shooter.

Lightning Move: A movement increase speed of great proportions. This move literally shoots Karu forward in an aura of blue energy, this spell is mostly used to withdraw, give chase or get to a scene as fast as possible.

Binds breaker: a spell to break magic binds.
That's a lot of defensive spells for an assault oriented mage, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, the list seems alright.

In general, I will have to agree with Comar in that your spelling and grammar need to improve so that reading and interpretation of the profile is easier. That said, I also would like to repeat Kha's suggestion to tighten up and refine your descriptions so that it doesn't trigger any "WTFH4X!" moments. Karu looks interesting, you just need to refine it some more.

Originally Posted by Raging Heart View Post
i need a help in fiction i am writing i am doing on it a crossover with an anime, i have two anime: Strawberry panic and Kannazuki No Miko which one to choose, i don't know.
How many characters do you want to work with? Strawberry Panic has a much larger cast than Kannazuki no Miko. Both series deal with yuri and shoujou-ai, but Kannazuki deals with one pair, whereas Strawberry has a whole slew of them.
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