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Having just caught up with the story, Megu-Chan, let me give you another critique:
Things done well:
-- You've done a better job of recreating the general atmosphere found in the actual series. Chapter 17 is the best example of that. Including the vast majority of canon characters also added to that familiarity.
Things to work on:
-- Narration. Right now the voice of narration you use in the story is a bit too familiar, as if you yourself were telling the story. When this happens and your personal biases and excitement slip into phrases of the narration it makes it seem very young and unprofessional.
-- Your chapters are a bit... episodic. I mean that problems tend to introduce themselves and get resolved in very short order. You should think about weaving plotlines together rather than building them up and breaking them down one-at-a-time.
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