This is fun...
First paragraph: The alchemists had long looked for "The philosopher's stone", which could turn lead into gold and grant immortality.
Marco Polo's tales of the far away land of gold, "Zipangu", mentioned how it had vast amounts of such material.
(yep, you guessed it. The PS is Sakuradite, and Zipangu is the old name for Japan.)
Now, I couldn't get the names properly, so all the later paragraph are fuzzy to me... I am just waiting for some REAL translators.
The 2nd, short, paragraph was on the members of powerful nobles/royals.
The 3rd paragraph was about how America's attempt at independence got crushed, and poor George got killed. (CC was probably there when it all happened, as the sound dramas suggested.)
The 4th was about how the people's revolution in the British Isles affected everything. The Battle of Trafalgar lead to the the Spanish victory, and London was invaded. The Monarchy was abolished in Britain, and the surviving Royals escaped to America.
The 5th was on the current Britannian empire managing to reborn in the Americas.
...Please, someone, help me fill the gaping holes in this joke of a simplified translation!
There are many names, and other things I just left out.