I should have also added "Special thanks to
RadiantBeam for doing a readthrough."
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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin
Read it. Well-done first chapter (except that you misspelled "fervor" in one place) from a "easy to read and understand" standpoint, introducing the new Empire which, one presumes, will be the hostile force.
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Oops. I'll try to remember to fix it tomorrow >_<. However, the Empire... well, let's just say it's more complicated than that
.
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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin
That said, the problem with this prologue is that it really doesn't tell me anything about the story. I assume from the story summary and the details about the Empire being big on expansionism and conquest that it's going to be "hostile nation encounters TSAB," but not really how that plays out--it could be anything between a series of action-thriller engagements between espionage-type agents (let's face it, the TSAB is big, and if the Empire is itself large, simply flinging itself into a war that might end up being Mutually Assured Destruction isn't too bright...plus you identified Fate and Tea as the main characters), or it might be a sci-fi fleet-battles type of thing, or...well, you get the idea. The addition of the Silver Blur and its crew makes me wonder where they'll come in...I'm mentally channeling any number of rogue-trader variant storylines there...
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To be honest, the chapter was not about introducing the main plot nor the Empire itself... just the lead OCs. While the other set of characters for this story are really easy to identify with since they're Canon, I had to make sure that the OCs had enough of an intro to be... familiar.
The scope of the main plot... well...
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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin
I find it intriguing that Quicksilver exists, with the same kind of relationship with its master as TSAB Devices have, although you neither confirmed nor denied whether that is an Intelligent Device talking or something else entirely, so I'll try to avoid conclusion-jumping.
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I love neither confirming nor denying. One thing I'm trying to make sure is interesting and consistent is the differences between the way magic is and the way magic and things that do magic are treated between the two organizations.
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Originally Posted by DezoPenguin
However, the first chapter being well-written and enjoyable. I'll simply wait and see what the next one brings. The advantage of serial fiction and all that.
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\o/ I'm really happy you like it [thus far].