‘they that mourn’
Sister Latea thinks Cynthia has a natural affinity for children. But when they pass each other, Sister Latea captures a dense, floating scent, brooding, stirring. It’s deep and sweet like frangipani, playful and tempting like honey crusting at the edge of a simmering pot. Then, it’s intense and smothering, like overripe oranges rotting after summer harvest in the orchards outside Rabona.
~~~ Sister Latea thinks Cynthia has a natural affinity for children.
~~ Present tense form seems awkward. I realize that previous paragraphs were also in pseudo-present tense, but this just doesn't 'feel' right. It seems to be creating more distance between the reader and the primary character (Galatea) than seems appropriate.
When Cynthia is alone, Sister Latea examines the depths of a yoki so stable and weak she can barely feel it. When, at last, she discovers Cynthia (perched on a cathedral balcony like a sculpture), she understands the source of the fragrant yoki: a restless, crushing scent, like untouched blood, like a cut left to fester.
~~~ When, at last, she discovers Cynthia
~~ Odd phrasing considering that Galatea was examining Cynthia's yoki in the previous sentence. Also, repeated use of "when".
“Will you come and help Yuma with the children?” she asks Cynthia.
Her yoki fluctuates. But Cynthia agrees. Sister Latea never really finds out who Cynthia mourns over. But she remembers the scent of her yoki, like the faint air of perfume from a funeral.
~~~ But she remembers the scent of her yoki
~~ really should be joined with the previous sentence as a proper compound.
~~~ like the faint air of perfume from a funeral
~~ Perfume doesn't come from a funeral. Possibly intended to modify "the faint air"? Using "at" instead of "from" would be simpler, but slightly shifts the mood of the sentence.
‘the meek’
She never comes in to be with the children, Sister Latea notices. Even when the group’s together, she loiters at the fringe. She’s a heavy presence, there but not really there, like a misplaced younger twin.
~~~ Even when the group’s together, she loiters at the fringe.
~~ Technically correct, but slightly inappropriate use of a contraction here. Preferred: "group is".
~~~ She’s a heavy presence, there but not really there, like a misplaced younger twin.
~~ Again, inappropriate contraction. Would suggest you use some word other than "is", since a presense is something she 'has' (bears, carries, exudes, etc), not something she 'is'.
~~ "there but not really there" -- clumsy. Suggest avoiding repetitive use of "there". Perhaps replace "there but" with "yet".
“Miria wants you for something.”
~~ Bland. Provide an actual reason for Miria wanting to see her.
~~ Also, ambiguous. Which one is talking?
Deneve shows up at the window this once, her face a totem of shadow against the sunlight. When the children stare and point at the face hovering at them, Sister Latea feels a downshift in yoki, just for a second. Then, a coarser wave of impatience drowns it.
~~~ the face hovering at them
~~ Improper words, assuming Deneve's face isn't actually moving, as "at" implies a direction of motion, while "hovering" implies stillness.
~~~ Then, a coarser wave of impatience drowns it.
~~ The abruptness here doesn't really seem to work. In fact, they are less valuable throughout this work (not always, but often) due to the tone and feel you're trying to convey. You're moving with Galatea, so you want a smoothness, a continuity as you read, not these abrupt transitions. Suggest: "just for a second, before a coarser wave"
“Did you hear me, sister?”
~~ "sister" should be capitalized, as it is a title.
A hand claws her shoulder, its weight extending into the flesh. Sister Latea turns. Deneve’s yoki unfurls before her like a breaker edging into sand. But the children don’t want Sister Latea to leave, and the little ones protest at not having her complete attention. At the uproar, the load on her shoulder dissipates. She traces the load till she can find Deneve’s hand, and she brushes the grooves that are her knuckles.
~~ Repeated use of "load". Second instance should be changed, as it doesn't seem to convey its meaning well.
“Peace, peace,” Sister Latea says. “Last verse, and I will come. Miria can wait for the sake of the children, can she?”
~~ "can she?" >> "can she not?"
A boy at the front makes a face. She hears Deneve sigh, her upper body leaning to fit the window like a fist unclenching. As Sister Latea indulges the children, she feels Deneve’s yoki dissolving, like the sweep of the current slipping into waterlogged sand.