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Old 2009-01-16, 10:03   Link #3155
Every word must conjure
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: City of No Yesterdays
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Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
Feel free to point out any errors, I feel like it could flow better at certain parts.
1. Your stories seem to follow a similar kind of format: an anecdote about something very abstract, a conflict (external, but in Yuma's case internal), a climax & then a very soft resolution which doesn't really resolve the problem but casts it in a different light. Of course, there's nothing a talk with Miria can't solve The pattern is essentially ok. Although if you're going to take turns with the Ghosts you'll be hard pressed to continue this after another 2-3 more chapters.

A suggestion would be to keep the anecdotal tone, but start & end with Miria's POV. Yuma's perspective here seems a bit limited, so maybe you might want to eliminate it altogether. Anyway, Miria would be a better "voice" to tell Yuma she's improved, since she has most of the authoritative voice in the story.

2. Also the story is more scripted than narrative: it seems like a stage play, because each paragraph is only conveying one very bite-sized chunk of idea. There's no continuity of story within the few paragraphs that focus on either action or setting - this means that the action in the Miria VS. Yuma scene is quite stuttering (e.g hit, then defend, then attack, then defend). It does no justice to Miria's speed or Yuma's sudden lashing offensive.

Your dialogue is very well done (mainly because the story is majority dialogue), since every phrase moves the story in the direction intended. But maybe you can scrap the "...." since they are better described rather than spoken.

3. I really respect your work on this chapter because of the way you let us take a look at Yuma. We all imagine her as being quiet, overwhelmed & psychologically weak. Here you justify it reasonably well, but by making it no fault of her own as many other writers have done. Miria believes that Yuma is just repressed & needs to let loose more - this seems a bit of a simplistic conclusion, but the complexity lies when Miria mentions their progress over the years.
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