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Old 2008-10-25, 15:32   Link #40
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Over the rainbow.
Age: 32
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Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
@Amir...I agree with Monir. I read a lot of romance novels and sometimes perfect grammar does take a backseat to great storytelling.
Originally Posted by monir View Post
I also think your story will flow much much better if you don't rely on longer sentences.
Actually, I agree with him on that too. I meant I disagreed with him that Langus shouldn't use long sentences. I've edited my post and my quote of Monir so that it's not as ambiguous what I meant.

Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
But since Ulquiorra is emo-static, he is like a Blank page... You can keep him in character or add dimensions to his character. I wanted to take him to a place where he is begining to feel something other than curiosity and I wanted him to show it. . I wanted him to profess feelings that would seem like love, while he denies it. Because he's has pride and I am sure he would downplay Orihime's importance. I also made him state out loud all things Kubo has had him think about Orihime. I also wanted to show how much Orihime's being hurt disturbed him enough that he was OOC and talked to his enemy.
I don't personally have any issues with morbidity. One of the all-time greatest novels, Les Miserables, had a mother ripping out her own teeth, shaving her head and prostituting herself in a brothel to save her daughter. Compared to that. a sword through the belly seems tamer than Barney the Dinosaur.

But the dialogues of the characters and sequence of events all felt forced and slightly off. I don't mean to discourage you. I've seen enough of your posts to know you're a very talented writer, O favorite cactus of mine . And you know I wouldn't say that to you lightly. What happens sometimes to people of strong charisma is that they can't give the stage over to their characters. So instead of it being Ulquiorra or Ichigo speaking, it's actually you speaking as you normally would, or would want them to.

Notice how many times you use the word "I" in your above quote saying what you wanted to write, and that's what hurt your effort here. I can never pull this off myself, but if you can loosen your control and let the characters speak for themselves, I think it'll flow much more powerfully. You already have the creativity and ideas, now you just need practice/experience. I'd love to see you try again.

Last edited by Amirali; 2008-10-25 at 16:02.
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